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Everything posted by DawgDaddy

  1. Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........ "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua?!"
  2. I'm giving the Vice Pro Soft Drip balls a try right now, I agree the Pandemic has really messed up Dean and Snell Golf. Not too sure I'll ever go back either.
  3. One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!” Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But, instead of running, the old dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says… “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!” Moral of this story… Don’t mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery.
  4. Decided a dozen to give these a try, I like the idea of playing something different, I have played the Truvis and TM Stripe & Pix in past, wanting to have another option of a different look.
  5. The Murphy brothers were having a drink in their favorite pub. Frank told his brother "Me and the Missus had an awful fight last night. But finally she came to me on her hands and knees." "Oh yeah, what did she say?" She said "Frank Murphy, you come out from under that bed!"
  6. Two men in their twenties are sitting at the bar talking. One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy you look really tired!” His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted, the girl I’ve been dating wants sex all the time! three, four sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!” A fellow, in his seventies, is sitting a few bar stools down from them overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says, “Marry her. That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”
  7. Dick's has a one day sale that includes the Maxfli Tour and Tour X 48 pack of balls for $104.98 https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/
  8. There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life. The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.” He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?” He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.”
  9. The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a genealogist and writer to help them. Only one problem arose: how to handle great uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair. The writer said she could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read: Great uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.
  10. My Bag Boy Chiller bag has begun to grab the grips of my clubs when I pull them. I ordered this Tour Edge Exotics Xtreme Cart 7.0 bag because it has good reviews and I really liked the looks. It should be here Tuesday.
  11. Danny, Alex Elliott & MrShortgame are the 3 I check out fairly regularly. Alex is my current favorite.
  12. Looks like losing 5 defensive players to the NFL in the first round and 15 players overall in the draft did not hurt as bad as predicted by the sports writers. Go Dawgs!
  13. One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church starting at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.” “Good morning, Pastor.” He replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?” The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, “Which service, the 8:00 or the 10:30?”
  14. A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed me has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."
  15. An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital. Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away. When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried: “So, how’s my mom doing?” “She‘s great!” he replied. “She will be released from the hospital any day now, and will move in with us when she’s released, and go on to live for many, many years!” “Wow! That’s amazing!” says the wife. “But also very strange. Before I left the hospital, she seemed very ill, and the doctors said she may only have a few days left. Did she have some kind of a miraculous recovery?” “Well, I don’t know about that,” replied the husband. “But today, the doctor told me that we needed to start preparing for the worst!”
  16. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
  17. An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son as as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!” The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins."
  18. A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”
  19. I play something in the range of 125 to 150 rounds per year, so I use mine every hole at least once and I will shoot for friends if they don't have a rangefinder.
  20. I use a Precision Pro rangefinder with slope built in.
  21. Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual organism’. ‘Mutual organism’ here and mutual organism’ there – that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual organism?”. Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.
  22. Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
  23. Schauffele just iced it. Nice win.
  24. As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the heck are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my butt… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”
  25. A redneck had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man. “Sir, are you aware it’s not lobster season, and it’s illegal to fish lobsters?” “Dang son,” the redneck said. “I didn’t fish ’em. Them lobsters are my pets.” “Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I’ll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim.” “Well, I’ve had ’em since they was babes. Trained ’em myself. I can let ’em go play, and when I call ’em they comes right back to me.” The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The redneck put the lobsters on the sand and said “Go ‘n play, guys." The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement. “That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it! Now call them back.” The redneck turned with a sly smile and said, “Call what back?”
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