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Best Golf Jokes


jbil8802

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From the Scotty Cameron Goods FS (Masters, CC, etc.) thread...

 

SPY ZINGER

MYGOLFSPY (STAFF)

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  • MYGOLFSPY (STAFF)
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  • 1,790 posts
  • LocationMinneapolis, MN
  • Handicap:12

Posted Today, 09:11 AM

Any Nike 006's for sale? 
post-872-045366600%201372373537.jpg

We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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  • 2 months later...

The dreaded phone call...

My boss phoned me today. He said "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the Foursome behind you.

What's In the Bag

Driver - :callaway-small: GBB 

Hybrids  :cleveland-small: Halo XL Halo 18* & :cobra-small: T-Rail 20*

Irons  :cobra-small: T-Rail 2.0

Wedges :ping-small: 60* TS / SCOR 48* 53* 58*

Putter     :scotty-small:

Ball :callaway-logo-1:

Bag Datrek DG Lite  

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A woman walks into the pro shop and starts hollering at the pro behind the counter

 

"What kind of place are you running here I just got stung by a bee between the first and second holes"

 

The old pro calmly looks up at her from the counter and says "sounds like to be you need to narrow your stance a bit"

My Bag

Driver Diablo Edge

Fairway Nickent DX 3 and 5

Hybrid Nickent DT 3 and 4 hybrid

Iron VR Pro Combo5-pw

Wedge Adams Idea Pro 60 and 56

Putter STX X-Form 1

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the course.  What's your secret?"

Phil replied "The holes are numbered."

We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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Sorry Rev!

 

A young man and a priest are golfing together.

At a short par 3 the priest asks "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron father, how about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father; but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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A new golfer confidently stepped onto the first tee all kitted out with new gear.
 

Squaring up to the ball he turned to his caddie and said, “This is my first game you know. It would really surprise my friends if I got a hole-in-one on my first stroke.”
 

“It certainly would,” replied the caddie. ”Especially since you are facing the wrong way.”

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A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

 

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid……

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And finally something I hope to make you smile.

Four old men (82, 83, 87 and 90) went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old timer, "I had the most riders ever, five."

The third, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

And the last said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had overheard the conversation, went to the pro and asked, "I've been playing golf a long time and I thought I knew all the terminology, but what the heck is a rider?"

The Pro responded, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the cart and ride to it!"

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The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:  "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said,  "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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Jesus and Moses are out on a course one day and they reach a hole where Arnold Palmer made a famous hole in one.  It's across water and Jesus turns to Moses and says "Moses, Arnold made a hole in one here and he hit a seven iron that's what I'm going to do."  Moses replies "Boss I really think it's a six iron for you, that's what you should hit."

 

"Nope" Jesus replies and pulls the seven iron and lines up his shot.  He makes a text book swing and at impact there is the sound of thunder and the ball takes off on the perfect trajectory but falls short and into the water. "Damn" says Jesus "Moses that was my last Titleist duck down there and part the waters and get it back for me will you."

 

Now this goes on several times and Moses is back and forth parting the water and retrieving the ball while Jesus insists that he can make the shot but it keeps falling just short of the green.  On the last journey back to the tee when Jesus has finally agreed to hit a six iron two members who have been watching what has been going on and notice Jesus long hair and beard approach Moses and say to him "Who does that guy on the tee think he is, Jesus Christ?"

 

Moses looks at them and says rather tersely "Nahhh thinks he's bloody Arnold Palmer!"

 

 

Sorry about that one men it was funny when I first heard it <_>

My Bag

 

Driver:  :ping-small: G25 Stiff shaft
3 Wood:  :mizuno-small: JPX 850 16 degree. Fujikara Orichi 65 gram stiff shaft
Hybrids: 3 & 4 :mizuno-small: JPX 850 Fujikara Orichi 65 gram regular shafts
Irons:  :mizuno-small: MP- H5 3 - 6 iron dynamic gold XP 115 gram stiff soft stepped
Irons:  :mizuno-small: MP 54 4 - PW dynamic gold S300
Wedges:   :mizuno-small: MP T4 52 degree,  :titelist-small: :vokey-small: 56 degree 10 degree bounce, :titelist-small: :vokey-small: 60 degree 10 degree bounce.
Putter:  :ping-small: ZB S

 

Evil prospers when good men do nothing.

 

Honorary member Texas BBQ Curtin Circa 2015 

 

 

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I liked it!

Driver- Tmag 2017 M2 tour issue 8.5* actual loft 7.8* w/ HZRDS Green PVD 70TX"
Fairway Metal- Taylormade SLDR Mini Driver 12* w/ Fujikura Rombax TP95-X"

Utility- Mizuno MPH5 1 iron w/ Aldila RIP 85X (depending on course/ conditions)

Irons- Mizuno MP- FLI HI 2i w/ Aldila Proto ByYou 100X
          Mizuno MP59 4i-6I w/ PX 6.5

          Mizuno MP69 7i-PW w/ PX 6.5

Wedges- Scratch 8620 Driver/Slider set.  50*, 54* bent to 55* and 60*

Putter- Taylormade Spider Tour w/ flow neck
Ball- Bridgestone Tour B X

Bag- Sun Mountain C130 Supercharged

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Okay it's not a golf joke but me trying to do this is pretty funny:

 

I just sent the wife out for some scotch so that I can figure it out.

Taylor Made Stealth 2 10.5 Diamana S plus 60  Aldila  R flex   - 42.25 inches 

SMT 4 wood bassara R flex, four wood head, 3 wood shaft

Ping G410 7, 9 wood  Alta 65 R flex

Srixon ZX5 MK II  5-GW - UST recoil Dart 65 R flex

India 52,56 (60 pending)  UST recoil 75's R flex  

Evon roll ER 5 32 inches

It's our offseason so auditioning candidates - looking for that right mix of low spin long, more spin around the greens - TBD   

 

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  • 1 month later...

OK, here is another one that is a little old.

 

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. 

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" 

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." 

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.  How old was your dad when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" 

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer!" 

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.  How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" 

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" 

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" 

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." 

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" 

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." 

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" 

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"   ;)

We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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A husband and wife are playing a round on a nice course. On the 8 hole expensive house line the fairway. The wife hooks her drive right through a window. They go up to the house the husband giving the wife an ear full for making him pay for one of these windows. When they get to the door a man is standing there holding her golf ball. Before they could say a word he asked are you the one who broke that window? The wife lowers her head and says yes I'm so sorry. Sorry the man says I'm a Genie that ball came through the window and hit the vessel i was in breaking it and setting me free. I've been couped-up in there for 1000 years for letting me out I will grant you three wishes. The couple in shock gave their three wishes First the man said I want to be a scratch golfer Done says the Genie next time yo play you will be a scratch golfer. Next wish We want 10 million dollars. Done says the Genie 10 million dollars is in your bank account now. What is your last wish. Well we have always wanted a house in all the best vacation destinations. Done says the Genie the key and addresses will be on you kitchen table when you get home. The couple ecstatic thanked the Genie. Is there anything we could do for you?  The Genie said there is one thing I've been in that bottle for 1000 years I could really use a passionate night of love making. The wife first is put off but then the husband says but honey we are millionaires, have house everywhere we want to go and I'm a fantastic golfer now, you can do this. So the wife agrees the go up stairs the Husband goes to finish his round. After the passionate night and the next morning the Genie asks the Wife how old is your husband?  42 say the wife. The Genie chuckles 42 and still believes in Genies.

Chippewa Falls Wisconsin

10.3 Index

Right Handed

What's in the bag:

 

Driver: :wilson_staff_small: FG Tour F5 8* Fujikura Speeder 757 Evolution Tour Spec X-flex, :ping-small: Anser 8*, Black Grafalloy Bi-Matrix X-Flex; :cobra-small: King LTD Pro Orange Grafalloy Bi-Matrix X-Flex

 

 

FW Wood: :wilson_staff_small: FG Tour F5 15* Fujikura Speeder 757 Evolution Tour Spec X-Flex :ping-small: Anse14*, Fujikura Speeder 757 US Open Edition , X-Stiff

 

 

Irons: :wilson_staff_small: FG Tour V4 2 utility Iron, 3-PW, +0.25, 2* Upright, True Temper Dynamic Gold X-100

 

 

Wedges: :wilson_staff_small: FG Tour PMP Gun Blue 52* bent to 51*, 56* True Temper Dynamic Gold X-100 Shafts

 

 

:edel-golf-1: E2 35", :wilson_staff_small: 8802 35.5", :ping-small: Scottsdale, Wolverine C 35" :ping-small: Anser Milled, Anser 2 34"

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Just read these two....

 

A pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!"

 

So God says, "Watch this."

 

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?"

 

God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"

 

(Sorry Rev but I did chuckle a bit)

 

A married couple played golf together everyday.

 

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

 

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

 

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

 

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

 

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball."

 

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

 

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."

WITB 2024

   Qi10 LS 9* HZRDUS RDX Smoke Blue 60g 6.5

   M5 15* Evenflow Black 75g 6.5

   Sim Ti 22* HZRDUS Red 75g 6.5

   Sim2 Rescue 22* Diamana Thump 100x

   X Forged CB 5 - PW MMT 105 TX 

   Jaws Raw 50*, 54* & 58* TTDG "OG" Spinner

   Toulon Madison BGT Fire 34.75"

   Z Star Diamond

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Played with an older gentleman when a funeral procession drove by. As it passed us, he respectfully stopped, held his hat over his heart and stood silently until it was gone. He then continued playing.

 

When I asked why he did that, he replied, "She was a good and loyal wife for over 50 years"

There is no spoon.

WITB
TaylorMade M3
Callaway Diablo 15°
Callaway Diablo 18°
Callaway Steelhead XR Pro 4-W
Mizuno TP-4 50, 54, 58
TaylorMade Rossa Monza Spyder

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