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Best Golf Jokes

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KennyB gave me the idea for this thread with an on point response in different thread. It may have been done here before, but I'm still new to the MGS forum. Anyway, its cold and snowing here in PA so I could use a few laughs. Post them here. For reference purposes his joke was in response to my confession that I'm 26 with a girlfriend of 7 years that supports my golfing addiction but I'm not yet married to. Here it is:

 

A guy and his new wife were sitting at breakfast one morning.

 

Wife: "Honey, I think you should cut back on the amount of time you spend at the golf course."

Guy: "You sound just like my ex-wife."

Wife: "You never told me that you had been married before!"

Guy: "I haven't."

;)

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Tom and Phil are out playing a round when they get to a long par 4 with a road running down the left side.  Just as they get to the tee box a funeral procession starts down the road and Phil takes off his cap and bows his head in a moment of silence.  Tom said that was the nicest thing he has seen on the course in a long time.  Phil says it is the least I could do since I was married to her for 43 years.

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Oldie but a goodie...

 

Two guys Bob and Doug are playing golf when they catch up to the group ahead of them..two ladies.  The ladies are very slow and aren't letting the guys play through.  The guys play rock, paper, scissors to see who is going to say something to the ladies and ask to play through.  Bob loses so he starts walking towards the ladies and about half way there he stops and turns around.  When he gets back to Doug he says he can't go talk to them because one them is his wife and other is his mistress.  So Doug then starts walking towards the ladies, he also gets about half way there before turning around and coming back to Bob.  Doug just shakes his head and says "small world"

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Wife:  How was your round of golf?

 

Husband:  Just awful...Joe had a heart attack on the 3rd hole.

 

Wife:  That is terrible!!!

 

Husband:  You're telling me.  All day it was hit the ball and drag Joe.

 

 

Man steps onto the tee of a long par three over water and grabs a club.  He hears a voice from above say hit the new balls that you have in the bag.  The man obliges and tees it up and takes a practice swing.  Next the voice from above yells out "On second thought hit the range ball!"

 

Great thread, I can go on with these all day.

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These are great. I like this one too.

 

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

 

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

 

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot, approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

 

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"

 

That is one of my favorites!

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Granddad, Dad, and son get paired with a beautiful blonde, they play the round, and get to the 18th, the woman needs a birdie to have the best round of here life, she has a 40 footer, she says to the guys, whoever helps me make the putt gets to take me home for the night and do whatever you want, Son steps in and says it's flogging to break a little to the left, Dad steps in and says no, it's going to break to the right, not to be left out, granddad steps in takes a look, and says "pick it up, it's a gimme"

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Perhaps not jokes but fun lines to use:

 

anytime someone goes to the bathroom: Just yell I think your under clubbed/ need to club up.

 

Prom Ball... a putt that gets all lip and no hole.

 

Junior prom ball: Missed the lip and couldn't find the hole if it tried.

 

One of my favorite lines is when your having a bad day: 

 

I knew it was going to be bad day... I went to take a pee and ended up 30 yards left of where I aimed.

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Granddad, Dad, and son get paired with a beautiful blonde, they play the round, and get to the 18th, the woman needs a birdie to have the best round of here life, she has a 40 footer, she says to the guys, whoever helps me make the putt gets to take me home for the night and do whatever you want, Son steps in and says it's flogging to break a little to the left, Dad steps in and says no, it's going to break to the right, not to be left out, granddad steps in takes a look, and says "pick it up, it's a gimme"

Being old, I was rooting for grandad when I read the first line! :)

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I tried to start this thread about two months ago and it died like a Jim Furyk final round.   Hopefully this one can finish.

 

So I'll repeat the same joke I used the last time and include the ONE reply that Duckwhooker gratiously added as well.   Think of it as a merge.

 

My joke:

 

A threesome of buddies is playing the front nine of their local course when they catch up to a slow group on about hole 5.   This group is really slow and oblivious to those behind them, so at the turn the threesome decides to take a break and have lunch.   Wouldn't you know it, the slow group in front of them is also in the restaurant doing the same thing.  The guys start cursing and complaining about the slow play of the other group when the waitress comes over and says, "Didn't you know that the other guys are a group of blind golfers."

 

The first buddy is chagrined and says, "Gee, I'm sorry I didn't know.  Now I feel awful.   Tell you what, I'll pick up the tab for their drinks."

 

Second buddy says, "Me too.   I'll pay for their meals."   Then they turn to look at the third buddy.

 

After few seconds, the third buddy looks up and says,  "Screw 'em, they should have teed off last night."

 

Duck Whooker's joke:

 

Stanley and his wife of 22 years are golfing together one day, Stanley hits a tee shot way right, he and the Mrs. go off the find the ball, ends up behind a huge pole barn that is blocking his approach shot to the green

 

His wife tells him to punch it back in play, but Stanley sees that barn doors are open and he has a clear line through the barn.  "Nope, honey, I'm going to hit a low one right through the barn."

 

Stanley grabs a mid-iron, lines up his shot through the barn doors and swings away, the ball ricochets off the side of the barn, comes screaming backwards at his wife, she can't duck in time, the ball hits her right between the eyes.  She drops like a rock.  Suffers a cracked skull, broken nose, severe concussion, loss of motor skills, and will be afflicted with blurred vision and headaches indefinitely.

 

Months later, Stanley is back on the course with a friend, playing the hole where the accident occurred, and again he flares his tee shot right, and is in practically the same spot behind the same barn.  Stanley mutters to his friend that he is going to take his medicine and punch the ball sideways back into the fairway.  His friend then interrupts "Hey, you got a shot, hit a low screamer through the barn, run it up on the green"

 

Stanley stops for a moment then says, "Nah, last time I tried that I double-bogeyed this hole."

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This is similar to markb's joke but I'm posting it since it involves an engineer.

 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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Man and his wife are laying in bed one evening when the wife rolls over to ask: " Honey, if I ever died, do you think you would find another woman."

 

"Awwwwww. I don't know. I guess if I was ready and it looked like it might work out, then yeah."

 

"Well would you let her stay in this house, that we bought together?"

 

"Well I guess. It's a good house, and nothing's wrong with it. So sure, she could live here with me"

 

"Well would you let her sleep in this bed? I bought us this bed you know."

 

" Well hell sweetheart, you paid damn good money for this sleep number bed, so yeah I would keep it and she would sleep in it too."

 

"What about my clothes and my car?"

 

"Darling I have no earthly idea. If she was your size and liked the clothes, I guess. You have a great car and there is no reason to get rid of it, so yeah, I guess she could drive your car too"

 

Silent for a few minutes, the wife finally says,"Does she get my golf clubs too?"

 

The husband rolls over with a serious look on his face as he looks at his wife," Absolutely NOT!"

 

The wife's a little taken aback. "Huh? She can stay in my house, sleep in my bed, wear my clothes and drive my car. So why couldn't she use my golf clubs?"

 

The husband rolls his eyes and turns back over away from the wife, " Well she's a lefty."

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LOVE this thread!  Keep 'em coming ;)

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Three proud fathers are bragging after a round about their families.   The Jewish guy pulls out his wallet and flips out the photo section and says, "Look at my four fine sons!  One more and I'll have a basketball team."   The Irish guy pulls out his wallet and says,  "That's nothing, look at my eight fine sons.  One more and I'll have a baseball team!"  The Mormon guy just smiles and points to his wallet.   "These are my 17 wives.   One more and I'll have a golf course."

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Well I was out having the best round of my life. I was only one over at the turn. I hadn't shanked one all day! Nothing fat or thin.

 

My playing buddies thought for sure that I was destined to be on the tour.

Coming up to the 17th tee, I was 8 under and only had to par the last two holes to tie the club record.

 

As I thought about the celebration that would await me in the clubhouse I took my tee shot and sliced it like I hadn't sliced it in years. My buddies of course split the fairway like I had been doing all day.

 

I told them I was determined to find my ball and wouldn't drop. They said they would meet me on the green.

 

So as I got off into the tree line I finally came across my ball. Right beside the ball was a huge toad.

I didn't think nothing of it and grabbed my rescue 4. As I addressed the ball the frog actually spoke and said:" that's not gonna work."

At first I looked around thinking my buddies had come to find me. Seeing no one I addressed my ball one more time.

 

"That's not gonna work."

Again the voice startled me and I jumped. As I looked around, the toad crawled over to my ball and turned towards me:" Yeah, I said it. It isn't gonna work"

 

I didn't know what to think

 

"No, this isn't a dream, no you aren't drunk, and no this isn't a hallucination."

 

Thinking my mind was cracking under the pressure , I decided to play along.

 

"What do you know? You're a damn frog!"

 

"Look I've been here a long time and seen thousands of golfers try to hit from that spot. That club and your target line are wrong!"

 

"So what's the right choice?" I asked.

 

"I'll make you a deal," said the frog, " if I tell you and your shot reaches the green, you have to kiss me. "

 

"What the hell," I thought .

 

So the frog told me to club down and really close my stance. Then I was told to take a really weak grip. I thought I was crazy anyway, so,I decided to take the shot. Like something out of the Matrix, my ball seemed to slide and curve around every tree it passed. It actually seemed to get faster once it cleared the tree line. It sailed like I was watching the masters. It finally touched down and ran out up onto the green and into the whole, shocking my buddies who were about to replace the flag after they putted out!

 

Once I got my wits back I finally looked down at the toad.

 

" a deals a deal" the frog reminded me.

Realizing that I had made the best shot of my life, I went ahead, picked he toad up and kissed it right on the mouth.

 

No sooner had I finished kissing it, I found a simply ravishing 18 year old butt naked in my arms!

 

 

And that's how the whole thing happened your Honor............

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Best golf jokes....

 

1. "17 more yards"

 

2. "Less side spin (balls and woods)"

 

3. The modern instructor - I doubt many have heard of Harvey Pennick, let alone his little red book. How about Hogan's 5 lessons?

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Best golf jokes....

 

1. "17 more yards"

 

2. "Less side spin (balls and woods)"

 

3. The modern instructor - I doubt many have heard of Harvey Pennick, let alone his little red book. How about Hogan's 5 lessons?

 

The little red book is my most prized book second only to the Bible. Great read for anyone who hasn't.

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An American man goes to Japan on a business trip.

He has the evening free before his meeting in the morning. He decides to get a Geisha for the evening.

Things are going well, and eventually, they consumate the evening. It's dark, and the Geisha keeps yelling,

"Sahng Wha! Sahng Wha!" Being a confident type, he figures this means "Oh Yes, Oh Yes!" in Japanese.

 

The next day after their meeting, the American is to play golf with his business hosts. The round is going well, and on the par 3 15th, he hits the 7 iron of his life. Hits, hops twice, and "plunk" right in the hole.

Anxious to try out his newly learned Japanese skills, he exclaims, "Sahng Wha!" in celebration.

 

His Japanese counterparts turn to one another, "what does he mean, wrong hole?"

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