Best Golf Jokes

[Jmikecpa]

The little red book is my most prized book second only to the Bible. Great read for anyone who hasn't.

One of my favorites to add with Hogans 5 lessons.  Would also add Golf My Way by Jack.  You could pick up all three for less than a sleeve of balls and it would be a better investment!

[Severtheties]

One of my favorites to add with Hogans 5 lessons. Would also add Golf My Way by Jack. You could pick up all three for less than a sleeve of balls and it would be a better investment!

No doubt. I need to dig out my copies of these and re-read them. It's about time for sure.

[jbil8802]

Those are my three favorite books along with Bob Rotella's "Golf is not a Game of Perfect". I read them over and over and never get tired of them.

[Jmikecpa]

John and Bill emerged from the clubhouse to tee off at the first, but Bill looked annoyed.

"Anything the matter, mate.'" John asked. 

"Oh, it's just that I can't stand the club pro," Bill replied.

"He's just been trying to correct my stance." 

"He's only trying to help your game," 

"Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time."

[markb]

I don't know if this is more of a story or a joke, but it's good.

 

"An old teaching pro (think of Penick) stood before his class on the range and had some items in front of him. He picked up a large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The pro then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar and the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.  The Pro next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was finally full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.'  The Pro then produced two Beers and poured the entire contents into the jar filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

'Now,' said the pro, 'This jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff."

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.  If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.  Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.  Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The old pro just smiled and said, ‘The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers at the end of the day."

[Kenny B]

I don't know if this is more of a story or a joke, but it's good.

 

"An old teaching pro (think of Penick) stood before his class on the range and had some items in front of him. He picked up a large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

 

The pro then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar and the pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was.  The Pro next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was finally full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.'  The Pro then produced two Beers and poured the entire contents into the jar filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

 

'Now,' said the pro, 'This jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff."

 

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.  If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.  Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.  Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.  Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

 

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The old pro just smiled and said, ‘The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers at the end of the day."

 

Double like!!!

[jpcgolf]

Double like!!!

Thats a good one.

[Kenny B]

One day a man decided to retire...

 

 

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

 

 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 

 

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

 

 

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

 

 

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, " I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

!

!

!

!

"You've built a Golf Course?"

 

[Kenny B]

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses.

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband.

"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

[Sluggo42]

I played yesterday with the fellow who had it quite interesting ball. First hole he teed up and promptly rocked it deep into the rough, I thought to myself that ball is gone. We walked up the fairway and I heard this faint beeping noise as he started to walk into the rough, within five seconds he proclaimed I found it.

In amazement I asked how did he find it so quickly. He told me that the ball emitted a low level Beep whenever it sensed that it was in the rough. When you got closer the beeping increased in frequency and in loudness. It then stopped when it sensed you were within a foot.

So anyways he took a good rip at it and cooked it into the pond on the left side of the green. As we walked up the fairway I began looking for the point of entry so he could drop, but he told me it wound be fine as the skin of the ball actually repelled water so strongly that the ball would actually float back towards the shore with such force it would typically roll about three feet clear of the water. We walked up and sure as can be, there's his ball in a perfect lie.

He skulled his next shot, a short 30 yarder, but as the ball screamed over the green, it sensed the flagstick, and suddenly started back spinning and dropped down onto the green to within 6" of the cup, for a tap in par.

Amazed, I asked him where he got such a remarkable ball, he said he found it...

[Kenny B]

From the Scotty Cameron Goods FS (Masters, CC, etc.) thread...

 

SPY ZINGER

MYGOLFSPY (STAFF)

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Posted Today, 09:11 AM

Any Nike 006's for sale? 

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[wbealsd]

The dreaded phone call...

My boss phoned me today. He said "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor" he asked.

I said "Of course, What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the Foursome behind you.

[wade410]

A woman walks into the pro shop and starts hollering at the pro behind the counter

 

"What kind of place are you running here I just got stung by a bee between the first and second holes"

 

The old pro calmly looks up at her from the counter and says "sounds like to be you need to narrow your stance a bit"

[Kenny B]

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf.  You really know your way around the course.  What's your secret?"

Phil replied "The holes are numbered."

[Kenny B]

Sorry Rev!

 

A young man and a priest are golfing together.

At a short par 3 the priest asks "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron father, how about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father; but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

[Johan Rens]

A new golfer confidently stepped onto the first tee all kitted out with new gear.
 

Squaring up to the ball he turned to his caddie and said, “This is my first game you know. It would really surprise my friends if I got a hole-in-one on my first stroke.”
 

“It certainly would,” replied the caddie. ”Especially since you are facing the wrong way.”

[Johan Rens]

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!
 

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid……

[Johan Rens]

And finally something I hope to make you smile.

Four old men (82, 83, 87 and 90) went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old timer, "I had the most riders ever, five."

The third, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

And the last said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had overheard the conversation, went to the pro and asked, "I've been playing golf a long time and I thought I knew all the terminology, but what the heck is a rider?"

The Pro responded, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the cart and ride to it!"

[Kenny B]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:  "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said,  "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[mizuno_lover]

Jesus and Moses are out on a course one day and they reach a hole where Arnold Palmer made a famous hole in one.  It's across water and Jesus turns to Moses and says "Moses, Arnold made a hole in one here and he hit a seven iron that's what I'm going to do."  Moses replies "Boss I really think it's a six iron for you, that's what you should hit."

 

"Nope" Jesus replies and pulls the seven iron and lines up his shot.  He makes a text book swing and at impact there is the sound of thunder and the ball takes off on the perfect trajectory but falls short and into the water. "Damn" says Jesus "Moses that was my last Titleist duck down there and part the waters and get it back for me will you."

 

Now this goes on several times and Moses is back and forth parting the water and retrieving the ball while Jesus insists that he can make the shot but it keeps falling just short of the green.  On the last journey back to the tee when Jesus has finally agreed to hit a six iron two members who have been watching what has been going on and notice Jesus long hair and beard approach Moses and say to him "Who does that guy on the tee think he is, Jesus Christ?"

 

Moses looks at them and says rather tersely "Nahhh thinks he's bloody Arnold Palmer!"

 

 

Sorry about that one men it was funny when I first heard it <_>