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Whats your best joke?


DarthGolfer

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A three putt is like masturbating. You feel bad after you do it but you know you'll do it again.

 

 

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Personally I feel relieved with one and frustrated with the other. I'll let you figure out which is which

 

Sent from my E6853 using MyGolfSpy mobile app

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Personally I feel relieved with one and frustrated with the other. I'll let you figure out which is which

 

Sent from my E6853 using MyGolfSpy mobile app

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

Left Hand orientation

:taylormade-small:SIM 2 D Max with Fujikura Air Speeder Shaft 

Cobra  Radspeed 3W/RIptide Shaft
:ping-small:  410  Hybrids 22*, 26*

Cobra Speed Zone 6-GP/Recoil ESX 460 F3 Shafts 

:titelist-small: SM7 54* Wedge

:ping-small: Glide 3.0  60* Wedge

:odyssey-small: O Works putter

:ShotScope: V3
:918457628_PrecisionPro:NX9-HD

:CaddyTek: - 4 Wheel 

EZGO TXT 48v cart
:footjoy-small: - too many shoes to list and so many to buy

:1590477705_SunMountain: And  BAG Boy

Golf Balls: Vice Pro Plus 

2020 Official Teste:SuperSpeed: Beginning Driver Speed  - 78

2019 Official Tester :ping-small:  410 Driver

2018 Official Tester :wilson-small: C300

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The Indian chief story reminded me of when the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding beside the railroad tracks.   Tonto gets off his horse and puts an ear on the tracks.   He looks at the Ranger as says "Buffalo come".   The Ranger asks can you hear them.   Tonto replies, no ear sticky.

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST MaxRogue ST Max 3, 5 & 7 Wooda 
Irons -      Rogue ST MAX OS  5 - AW
Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*  

Putter -    ER2
Rangefinder -  NX9 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Soft Drip

Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

HAH!!!!!!

(forwarded it to my wife .. yes: she got a chuckle out of it!)

WITB of an "aspiring"  😉 play-ah ...
Driver...Callaway Paradym (Aldila Ascent PL Blue 40/A)
5W...Callaway Great Big Bertha (MCA Kai'Li Red 50/R)
7W...Tour Edge Exotics EXS (Tensei CK Blue 50/R)

4H...Callaway Epic Super Hybrid (Recoil ZT9 F3)
5H...Callaway Big Bertha ('19) (Recoil 460 ESX F3)
6i-GW...Sub 70 699 V2 (Recoil 660 F3) 
54°, 60°...Cleveland CBX2, CBX 60 (Rotex graphite)
Putter...Ev
nRoll ER5 or MLA Tour XDream (P2 Reflex grip on both)
...all in a Datrek bag on an MGI Zip Navigator electric cart. Ball often, not always, MaxFli Tour.

Forum Member tester for the Paradym X driver (2023)
Forum Member tester for the ExPutt Putting Simulator (2020)

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Little girl all done up looking like a firefighter (yellow rain jacket, boots, firefighter hat) going around with a red wagon that has little ladders attached to the side and a garden hose wound up in it being pulled by a cat and a dog. The rope is tied to the dogs leash and around the cats testicles.

 

She goes walking by the firehall with this set up and the fire crew are out cleaning trucks, etc. The chief stops her and says "my that's a nice outfit you have"

 

"Thank you mister, thank you"

 

"And that's quite the set up you have as well"

 

"Thank you mister, thank you"

 

"But don't you think it would be better if the rope was tied around the cats collar?"

 

"But mister, then I wouldn't have a siren!"

 

Sent from my E6853 using MyGolfSpy mobile app

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John's teacher asked how his weekend was. "Bad, car hit my dog in the ass," he said. She said,"Rectum." "Wrecked him?Damn near killed him!"

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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An old farmer needed some money so he decided to sell his best hunting dog.   A guy wanting to buy the dog showed up and asked how good is this dog.   The farmer told the dog to go into the left woods and see how many rabbits are there.   The dog runs into the woods, comes back and hits the ground five times with his paw.   The farmer said that means there are five rabbits in those woods.   The buyer says, heck that dog could have pounded any number of times.   The farmer then told the dog to go to the right woods and count the rabbits.  The dog returns and pounds eight times with his paw.  The farmer said that means there are eight rabbits.   Again, the buyer questioned the dogs count.   The farmer than told the dog to go into the field and count the rabbits.   The dog returned with a stick in his mouth and started humping the buyers leg.  The buyer asked what does that means.   The farmer replied-there are more f@#$ing rabbits in that field then you can shake a stick at.

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An old farmer needed some money so he decided to sell his best hunting dog. A guy wanting to buy the dog showed up and asked how good is this dog. The farmer told the dog to go into the left woods and see how many rabbits are there. The dog runs into the woods, comes back and hits the ground five times with his paw. The farmer said that means there are five rabbits in those woods. The buyer says, heck that dog could have pounded any number of times. The farmer then told the dog to go to the right woods and count the rabbits. The dog returns and pounds eight times with his paw. The farmer said that means there are eight rabbits. Again, the buyer questioned the dogs count. The farmer than told the dog to go into the field and count the rabbits. The dog returned with a stick in his mouth and started humping the buyers leg. The buyer asked what does that means. The farmer replied-there are more f@#$ing rabbits in that field then you can shake a stick at.

And a southern boy knows this joke

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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A man goes into a bar and it appears that he is the only customer.   The bartender was also the owner and told him that business is so bad that he will need to close down.   So the guy says to the bartender, if I can make this a profitable enterprise, will you give me a half interest.  Figuring that he was going to close anyway, the bartender agreed and the papers were signed.   The next night, the man puts a really small piano on the bar and places a little 12 inch man behind it.  Well this little man could play the piano like nobody's business and word got around about him.   Soon the bar was continuously packed and they were making major money.  Eventually, the bartender asked-where did you find this little man.  The guy replied- I was a Navy pilot and I was shot down over China Beach.   Well, I was walking along and found this lamp.   While I was cleaning it, this genie appeared and granted me one wish.   Well, the genie had a hearing problem and I ended up with this 12 inch pianist. 

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I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim" I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST MaxRogue ST Max 3, 5 & 7 Wooda 
Irons -      Rogue ST MAX OS  5 - AW
Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*  

Putter -    ER2
Rangefinder -  NX9 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Soft Drip

Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

  

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. 

 

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. 

 

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. 

 

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:  "How many children do you have?

 

He answered: "Twelve."

 

The agent asked "Where are the others?"

 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered  "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

 

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words. and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers. 

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST MaxRogue ST Max 3, 5 & 7 Wooda 
Irons -      Rogue ST MAX OS  5 - AW
Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*  

Putter -    ER2
Rangefinder -  NX9 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Soft Drip

Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"I tried to shoot my age but ended up shooting my weight"   - Bob Hope 

 

golfer.gif

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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A Reverend skips church to play golf. He comes to a par 4. Hits his ball wide right.

 

An eagle comes down, picks up his ball and drops it in the water. A fish spits the ball forward. A squirrel grabs the ball and drops it as he crosses the green on the way to his tree. A gust of wind blows the ball near the hole to the edge of the cup. Just then, a bolt of lightning shakes the earth and sky and the ball goes in for a hole in one.

 

Watching all this transpire, Jesus looks at God and says "How could you let that happen??? He skipped church!" God replies "Who's he gonna tell?"

 

 

Sent by carrier pigeon using MyGolfSpy

In my ATumSBM.jpg Pisa, riding on a hXf3ptG.jpg 3.5+

:ping-small: G410+
:755178188_TourEdge: EXS 5W
:cobra-small: King F7 Hy

:ping-small: i500 5-GW
wxW5hk4.jpg Equalizer 56/60
:ping-small: Heppler Ketsch

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Golf is a game in which you yell "fore"... shoot six... and write down five. ~ Paul Harvey

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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Joe's on his deathbed, down to his last breath. He looks towards his wife and says;

Alice, I need you to do something for me after Im gone.

Alice, teary eyed smiles at him and say;

Of course Joe, anything you want.

I need you to marry Dave 6 months after I m gone, says Joe.

Alice tooks at joe and says;

But I thought you hated Dave with a passion?

Joe smiles, and says;

I do.

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If you know the source of this joke, we can be good friends:

 

 

 

My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

In my ATumSBM.jpg Pisa, riding on a hXf3ptG.jpg 3.5+

:ping-small: G410+
:755178188_TourEdge: EXS 5W
:cobra-small: King F7 Hy

:ping-small: i500 5-GW
wxW5hk4.jpg Equalizer 56/60
:ping-small: Heppler Ketsch

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  • 2 weeks later...

Smart a$$ caddie:

 

 

When reading a putt

 

 

Q: Which way does it break?

A: The way you're putting, it really doesn't matter

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

In my ATumSBM.jpg Pisa, riding on a hXf3ptG.jpg 3.5+

:ping-small: G410+
:755178188_TourEdge: EXS 5W
:cobra-small: King F7 Hy

:ping-small: i500 5-GW
wxW5hk4.jpg Equalizer 56/60
:ping-small: Heppler Ketsch

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Stephen Wright?

Ha! I like his humor. Don't know if he did any golf jokes but had witty lines like...

"Was taking a nap at my desk at my office and had a day-mare."

Or...

"Was sitting around the other evening trying to think of another word for 'thesaurus'."

WITB of an "aspiring"  😉 play-ah ...
Driver...Callaway Paradym (Aldila Ascent PL Blue 40/A)
5W...Callaway Great Big Bertha (MCA Kai'Li Red 50/R)
7W...Tour Edge Exotics EXS (Tensei CK Blue 50/R)

4H...Callaway Epic Super Hybrid (Recoil ZT9 F3)
5H...Callaway Big Bertha ('19) (Recoil 460 ESX F3)
6i-GW...Sub 70 699 V2 (Recoil 660 F3) 
54°, 60°...Cleveland CBX2, CBX 60 (Rotex graphite)
Putter...Ev
nRoll ER5 or MLA Tour XDream (P2 Reflex grip on both)
...all in a Datrek bag on an MGI Zip Navigator electric cart. Ball often, not always, MaxFli Tour.

Forum Member tester for the Paradym X driver (2023)
Forum Member tester for the ExPutt Putting Simulator (2020)

followthrough.jpg

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I posted this on a different thread some time ago, apologies for those who have seen it before...
 
 
A man returns home early Sunday morning, looking disheveled, smelling of scotch and perfume, telltale lipstick on his unbuttoned collar and neck... only to be greeted in the kitchen by his irate wife - Where the He!! have you been, it is 7AM- you left for your Saturday round and never came home....????

 

He responds- "Honey, we have been married over 25 years, and you know I love you more than anything- and I cant lie to you. Yesterday at the club after my round I bumped into an old high school flame- we chatted for a while, had a few drinks, and all of a sudden I find myself back at her place- I really don't know what happened- but I will tell you this- it meant nothing to me. I am ashamed of what I did, and I ask your forgiveness...."

 

To which his wife says.......

 

 

 









Bull$h!t -you played 36 again, didn't you!!!!!

What's in the bag?
 
Driver :callaway-small: Callaway Mavrik 105 set to 9.5, square, Aldila Rogue White 130 MSI 60G Stiff shaft
#3 Wood  :callaway-small: Callaway FT Tour 13 degree neutral setup, Fuijkara 370 Stiff Shaft
Hybrid  :cobra-small:  18 Degree King Cobra Baffler pro, Baffler Stiff shaft
4-PW :titelist-small: Titlest 714 AP2, Standard loft and lie, MGS S Shafts
:benhogan-small: 53, 57 degree loft Hogan Equalizer wedges
1962  :wilson_staff_small: Wilson "Sandy Andy" sand wedge with HUGE bounce!
Putter MLA Pro Classic
:titelist-small: Titlist ProV 1, ProV 1x

Currently Gaming "Costco Kirkland Signature Tour Performance" balls

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It seems that a guy knew that his wife was extremely mad and upset with him, so he asked her what could he do to make her happy.  Well, she said, if I get up tomorrow and see something in the drive way that will go from 0 to 200 in seconds.  She got up the next morning and there it was sitting in the drive way--a bathroom scale.

 

A guy was a very religious man and lived strictly by his religious principles, so he thought he would ask God for a favor.  So he prayed to God-I love Hawaii, so would you build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could drive there any time I wanted.  God replied, I am very disappointed in you, that is a very selfish request, I thought you would want something that glorified both you and me.  The guy apologized and then asked God for the ability to understand women, to know what makes them happy, to know how to please them.   To which God replied--How many lanes would you like on that bridge.

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  • 2 weeks later...
A deacon is in the hospital and his preacher goes to visit him.

 

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

 

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

 

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

 

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose.

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST MaxRogue ST Max 3, 5 & 7 Wooda 
Irons -      Rogue ST MAX OS  5 - AW
Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*  

Putter -    ER2
Rangefinder -  NX9 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Soft Drip

Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. 

 

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. 

 

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." 

 

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." 

 

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. 

 

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word. 

 

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." 

 

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? 

 

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST MaxRogue ST Max 3, 5 & 7 Wooda 
Irons -      Rogue ST MAX OS  5 - AW
Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*  

Putter -    ER2
Rangefinder -  NX9 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Soft Drip

Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Old Doc plays nine holes every day and when he finishes he goes to the clubhouse and has an almond daiquiri. This has been going on for years and the bartender, Dick always has th drink ready for him. One day Dick sees the old Doc coming down the ninth hole and starts to prepare the drink. However he is out of almond and substitutes with hickory. The Doc comes in and takes a sip, looks at Dick and says, is that an almond daiquiri Dick? No, that's a hickory daiquiri Doc.

 

Feel free to groan...

Driver: Cobra F8 Tour length

3W: Cobra King F7 3/4 Wood

5W: Cobra King F7 5/6 Wood

Hybrid 3/4: Cobra F7 20.5*

Irons: 5 to PW Taylormade P790

A Wedge: 48* Vokey SM6 F grind

S Wedge: 54* Vokey SM6 M grind

L Wedge: 58* Vokey SM6 M grind

Putter: Rife Two Bar Hybrid 35" P2 Aware Tour grip

Ball: Taylormade TP 5X

Bag: Hot Z Canadian flag 🇨🇦

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Three nuns were riding together and were in a horrific car accident and, unfortunately,  all three died.   At the gates of heaven all three asked to be admitted.  St. Peter said that all they had to do was answer a question correctly.   He asked the first nun-who was the first man.  To which the nun replied-Adam, the trumpets blasted, the lights flashed and the gates of heaven opened.  He asked the second nun-who was the first woman.  She replied-Eve, the trumpets blasted, the lights flashed and the gates of heaven opened.   Due to his quota, St. Peter figured he must ask some more difficult questions.   So he asked the third nun, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam.   The nun scratched her chin and said-boy, that's a hard one.  The trumpets blasted.................

 

God looked down at Adam and saw that he was lonely, so he knew he had to make a mate for Adam.   He called down to Adam and told him that he was going to put him to sleep, remove his right arm and make him the perfect mate.   Adam said, God, I really appreciate that but I am going to need my right arm, what can I get for a rib. 

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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"


A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?"



He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"


The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!"


Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST MaxRogue ST Max 3, 5 & 7 Wooda 
Irons -      Rogue ST MAX OS  5 - AW
Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*  

Putter -    ER2
Rangefinder -  NX9 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Soft Drip

Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A minister, a priest and a rabbi, being men of the cloth, became close friends.   During one of their many discussions, they agreed that relating to their respective flocks was easy, but debated who could best serve those outside their flocks.    So it was decided that they would go into the woods, each find a bear and see who best could tame it.   Later that evening, the minister and the priest saw each other in the ER.  Both were a bit banged up, but were OK.   The minister said, he found a bear, at first it was a struggle, but eventually he laid hands on it and prayed and the bear settled down.   The priest said, likewise, he found a bear and eventually was able to sprinkle holy water on it, blessed it and it settled down.  Not seeing their rabbi friend, they asked the nurse if he had been in the ER.   She told them that he was admitted to the ICU.   So they went to visit their friend.   The rabbi was pretty messed up, but could talk, so they asked him what happened.  The rabbi said, that he found a bear, but thinks if he had to do it again, perhaps, he would not have started with circumcision.

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