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Whats your best joke?


DarthGolfer

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It's not a Golf joke, but my 9 year old came up with this joke 7 years ago.

 

Why didn't the Pirate go to the movies?

 

Because, he pooped his pants

 

It was just the way she told it too, she forgot the punchline and ad libbed the last part

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Happy Madison redux

 

If you're a fan of the original .. and laughed during the scene where Happy throws down with Bob Barker .. then watch....

 

https://business.facebook.com/ItsCjBobbleton/videos/1295105107209711/?platform=hootsuite

WITB of an "aspiring"  😉 play-ah ...
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5W...Callaway Great Big Bertha (MCA Kai'Li Red 50/R)
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6i-GW...Sub 70 699 V2 (Recoil 660 F3) 
54°, 60°...Cleveland CBX2, CBX 60 (Rotex graphite)
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nRoll ER5 or MLA Tour XDream (P2 Reflex grip on both)
...all in a Datrek bag on an MGI Zip Navigator electric cart. Ball often, not always, MaxFli Tour.

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A man is trying to cross the border on a bicycle with two bags containing sand.

 

Guy gets to the border, border agent says, “We have to check to see if your smuggling anything”. Agents open the bags, full of sand and let the guy cross.

 

The guy shows up every day that week, on a bicycle with two bags of sand. Each day the agents open up the bags and find sand.

 

At the end of the week, one of the agents is on break in a cafe, sees the same guy on a bicycle with the bags of sand.

 

The agent stops and confronts the guy. “Hey mister, I've been watching you all week, crossing the border and I know your smuggling something, i won't tell a soul, it's been driving me crazy, what are you smuggling”?

 

The guy says, “Bicycles”.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

WITB 2021
Driver: Cleveland Launcher HB Turbo 9* w/ C.Kua Stiff

FW: Cleveland Launcher HB Turbo 15* w/ C.Kua Stiff

HY: Cleveland Launcher Halo 19* w/ C.Kua Stiff 

Irons: Titleist 716 AP1 4-PW w/ KBS 90 Stiff

Wedges: Vokey SM8 50*, 54*, & 60^

Putter: Scotty Cameron Studio Laguna 2 OR OG Futura

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

 

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly

this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

 

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm

failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast

and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

 

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when

I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

 

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

 

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash

register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I

had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

 

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally

got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

 

"And believe me Mr., as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

very good lol

 

 

Bags

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A guy goes to a popular street corner and finds a prostitute known in the area.   He asks her, what do you charge for a hand job.  She responds--$20, would you like one.   He say--no, I'm just trying to figure out how much money I'm saving by doing it for myself.

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A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male dog separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

 

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. 

 

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

 

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

 

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

 

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

 

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I just came across this post. As a whole, it's pure gold and totally worth a look. Lots of great jokes (mostly clean) but fair warning it's mixed with a bit of NSFW material as well.

 

 

Therefore here's the link for you brave ones to check out:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b0JWF

 

Should only take about 5 minutes to read through.

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they're flashing behind you.

 

 

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I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they're flashing behind you.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

From personal experience, I suggest that when a female officers pulls you over and she asks - do you know why I pulled you - its not a good idea to say - Sorry, but I'm married.   

 

If I may quote Skynyrd:  I'm just red, white and blue.   My neck is still red, my hair (what's left of it) is turning white, and my collar is still blue.

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Watched buddy launch club into woods. Other friend said "you better throw a provisional, you're not gonna find that one!

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for

your appointment. Don't you know that nervous

disorders require prompt and regular attention?

What's your excuse?"

 

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

 

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you

talking about? I gave you no such order."

 

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who

irritate me."

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for

your appointment. Don't you know that nervous

disorders require prompt and regular attention?

What's your excuse?"

 

Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

 

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you

talking about? I gave you no such order."

 

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who

irritate me."

 

 

Good to see ya up and at em old pal!

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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Good to see ya up and at em old pal!

Still pretty much down, I go see the doctor on Thursday and hopefully he will allow me to drive again.  I still am not to lift anything but I am allowed to walk in my neighborhood, roughly a mile or mile and a half.  That is the best part of the day for me right now.  Hopefully I will be able to be back to chipping and putting in April.  

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Still pretty much down, I go see the doctor on Thursday and hopefully he will allow me to drive again.  I still am not to lift anything but I am allowed to walk in my neighborhood, roughly a mile or mile and a half.  That is the best part of the day for me right now.  Hopefully I will be able to be back to chipping and putting in April.  

 

Glad you are up and walking as exercise is your friend however  I'm glad you are listening to the doc on lifting and not pushing yourself.  When are you up for physical therapy?

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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Glad you are up and walking as exercise is your friend however  I'm glad you are listening to the doc on lifting and not pushing yourself.  When are you up for physical therapy?

About 2 more months before that begins, his recovery routine is not chiseled in stone it is patient dependent.  Hopefully I will be slightly ahead of the curve. 

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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About 2 more months before that begins, his recovery routine is not chiseled in stone it is patient dependent.  Hopefully I will be slightly ahead of the curve. 

 

 

That tells me how major your back surgery was.   My buddy Hugh recently had significant back surgery and he is back playing golf after two months.    Hang in there good buddy.  I miss ya!

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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That tells me how major your back surgery was.   My buddy Hugh recently had significant back surgery and he is back playing golf after two months.    Hang in there good buddy.  I miss ya!

Miss you and KellyBo too, y'all will be my first trip to get in a round when I can play.  But you knew that,  

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Miss you and KellyBo too, y'all will be my first trip to get in a round when I can play.  But you knew that,  

 

 

Can't wait!

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

 

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

 

So she holds the door open, and he takes his swing. The ball hits his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

 

A year to the day passes and it finds the golfer back on the same course, this time playing with a co-worker. As luck would have it, he shanks it again and ends up in the same barn.

 

"Don't worry," says the co-worker, "I can hold the door open and you'll be back on the fairway like that."

 

"Oh no," the golfer says, "I did the exact same thing a year ago with terrible results."

 

"What was that?" the co-worker asks.

 

"I got a 9."

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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That's funny - well not for the wife  

Left Hand orientation

:taylormade-small:SIM 2 D Max with Fujikura Air Speeder Shaft 

Cobra  Radspeed 3W/RIptide Shaft
:ping-small:  410  Hybrids 22*, 26*

Cobra Speed Zone 6-GP/Recoil ESX 460 F3 Shafts 

:titelist-small: SM7 54* Wedge

:ping-small: Glide 3.0  60* Wedge

:odyssey-small: O Works putter

:ShotScope: V3
:918457628_PrecisionPro:NX9-HD

:CaddyTek: - 4 Wheel 

EZGO TXT 48v cart
:footjoy-small: - too many shoes to list and so many to buy

:1590477705_SunMountain: And  BAG Boy

Golf Balls: Vice Pro Plus 

2020 Official Teste:SuperSpeed: Beginning Driver Speed  - 78

2019 Official Tester :ping-small:  410 Driver

2018 Official Tester :wilson-small: C300

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T

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

 

REX?  :unsure:

Ping G430 Max Driver 10.5 Degree
Titleist TSR1 4, 5, & 6 Hybrids 
Titleist T350 Irons 7 - W48 
Cleveland
CBX ZipCore  52 56 & 60 Degree Wedges

LAB Mezz Max Broomstick Putter / TPT Shaft  (Platinum @ 45/78)

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs flying over a fence ?

 

Homer!

 

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in an electric wheel chair ?

 

Otto !

 

I would list the clubs I play with but I am like Taylormade and change them far too often !

Same guy,

In a pile of leaves?

Russell

In a swimming pool?

Bob

Hanging on a wall?

Art

A woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene

Laying in front of the door?

Matt

Lefties are always in their Right Mind

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Dann and Joe, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Joe didn't show up. Dann didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something…

 

But after Joe hadn't shown up for a week or so, Dann really got worried. 

 

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Dann didn't know where Joe lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. 

 

A month had passed, and Dann figured he had seen the last of Joe, but one day, Dann approached the park and-- lo and behold! -- there sat Joe! 

 

Dann was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

 

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Joe, what in the world happened to you?'

 

Joe replied, 'I have been in jail.'

 

'Jail!' cried Dann. What in the world for?' 

 

'Well,' Joe said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Dann, 'I remember her. What about her?' 

 

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. 

 

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

Driver -     Rogue ST Max
Woods -   Rogue ST Max  3, 5 & 7 Woods
Irons  -      Rogue ST Max                                                                                                                                                                                          Wedges -   Zipcore RTX 6 50°  CBX2   54* & 58*                                                                                                                                                          Putter -    Evnroll ER2
Rangefinder -  NX-10 Slope
Ball -  Vice Pro Tour Drip                                                                                                                                                                                            Bag -  Xtreme Cart 7.0 Bag Heather/Red/White

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Here's one for Wahoo

 

TEXT TO NEIGHBOR:

 

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make.

I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been

trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm

telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute

longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're

not around I've been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact,

probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home

recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just

too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my

sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and

I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

 

NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard, killing him.

He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

 

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

 

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.

I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had

changed “wi-fi” to “wife.”

Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

 

 

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Carolina, yep, if you live by technology, you can die by technology.   At least, I can take some comfort that I am in no real danger in that regard.   A statement that genuinely upsets and maddens me is:  "Sorry, our computers are down".

 

During most of my professional life, how the heck did we survive and get things done??   Well, we knew how to actually do things and respond without the need for properly programmed computers.   When we did it ourselves, I knew how it was done or computed, I just don't have the same trust in computers.   How do I know if the programmer actually knew what they were doing.  

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.When we did it ourselves, I knew how it was done or computed, I just don't have the same trust in computers. How do I know if the programmer actually knew what they were doing.

You may have known how to do something but how did I know the next person did? With the manual process I have to rely on how the person was trained. With a computerized process I rely on what was identified and verified by an expert user to ensure the process is followed each time.

 

Ultimately, just like you knew what you were doing the programmer knows what they are doing. I have more faith in the programmer than the expert communicating all the information to the programmer.

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