Whats your best joke?

[TheWahoo]

Sometimes, I find it good, helpful and safer that I am a digital illiterate and do not use social media.

The wife of a friend, forwarded him a selfie of herself, with the question :  "Does this dress make my butt look bigger?"

My bud, responded:  Noo

It seems that his autocorrecting feature changed it to :  Moo

[tony@CIC]

From 2 very bored mathematicians:

What Makes 100%? 

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If:    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

Is represented as:  1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18  19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% 

And 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But , 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. 
It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 

Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

[perseveringgolfer]

On 10/18/2018 at 5:57 PM, TheWahoo said:

Sometimes, I find it good, helpful and safer that I am a digital illiterate and do not use social media.

The wife of a friend, forwarded him a selfie of herself, with the question :  "Does this dress make my butt look bigger?"

My bud, responded:  Noo

It seems that his autocorrecting feature changed it to :  Moo

I hate it when autocorrect changes your texts!

I just text my mate saying "do you wanna go for a wank down by the river"

 

I meant canal!

 

[perseveringgolfer]

My wife said she's leaving me due to my Star Wars obsession!

 

I said "may divorce be with you!"

 

 

[perseveringgolfer]

Text message from the wife ''Windows frozen!''

 

''Just pour some slighty hot water over it.''

 

Wife: ''Computer's totally broken now!''.

[perseveringgolfer]

Just thought I'd nip over to my grandma's for Halloween,

and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch...

She always makes a big effort,

but there was no answer. I'll pop back next week!

[Headhammer]

With things getting serious in their relationship Karen decided it was time for her new boyfriend to meet her parents.

The two couples met for dinner at Karen's favorite restaurant 

she excitedly introduced her new boyfriend to her mom & dad

Dinner was awkward to say the least with her normally outgoing boyfriend extremely quiet barely making eye contact with her folks

On their drive home Karen asked her boyfriend what was wrong with him and why he had been so shy and quiet at dinner?

He responded I have to confess that it was very difficult having dinner with my Ex-lover

Karen shocked said oh my God you had sex with my mom?

The boyfriend responded No.

[perseveringgolfer]

A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn’t having any herself.

"Oh they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!"

[GB13]

Sad news out of the Bronx Zoo today;

Iguana population is shrinking, it appears the males all have reptile dysfunction. 

[tony@CIC]

1. A North Carolina State Trooper pulled a car over on I-40 about 2 miles south of Raleigh. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus in Dunn. He didn't want to be late.
   The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
   The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Garner got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
   The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test.”

    

    

    

    
2.  

[TheWahoo]

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis and was driving down the road with it still in her hand.   So she threw it out of the car window.  It just so happened that two good ole boys in a pick-up truck were following her and it hit their windshield.   The driver turns to his buddy and asks:  "Bubba, did ya see the pecker on that bug". 

[tony@CIC]

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[GB13]

4 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

I hope none of these come from our friend

@bergtaur

[TheWahoo]

This lawyer stuff, again, reminds me of the story regarding the man that was duck hunting.  When he shot a duck, it landed in a fenced field.  When he was starting to climb the fence, and old farmer appeared and asked what do ya think ya doing.  The man replied, I'm going to get my duck.  The old farmer said, that duck is in my field so its my duck.   The man retorted, don't you know who I am, what I am, I am one of the highest paid lawyers in the city.   The farmer advised, I don't care, here we use "country justice".  The lawyer asked, what the heck is country justice.  The farmer explained, well, I hit you, then you hit me, the one that gives up first loses.   The lawyer looked at the old farmer and figured that he could take him, so he said OK go ahead hit me.   Well the farmer hit the lawyer as hard as he could square in the nads.  Well the lawyer went to the ground in pain, but was able to get up and said, now its my turn.  To which the old farmer replied--oh, I give up go get ya duck.  

[Golfspy_CG2]

Tony's court exchange joke reminded me of this one.  It's a classic among golf shop employees.  WARNING..very Not Safe for Work Language in parts.

And yes we actually get some of these requests!

 

[TheWahoo]

12 minutes ago, Golfspy_CG2 said:

Tony's court exchange joke reminded me of this one.  It's a classic among golf shop employees.  WARNING..very Not Safe for Work Language in parts.

And yes we actually get some of these requests!

 

Darn that was funny!!!!!   Reminds me of the guy that figured he had an emergency but couldn't dial 9-1-1 because he couldn't find the eleven on his telephone.    

[tony@CIC]

2 minutes ago, TheWahoo said:

Darn that was funny!!!!!   Reminds me of the guy that figured he had an emergency but couldn't dial 9-1-1 because he couldn't find the eleven on his telephone.    

And that reminds me of a real story as well. We were implementing a CRM program across the sales force. One particular old timer was having a problem and was advised to hit F11. His response was I can see the F but can't find the 11. 

[TheWahoo]

17 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

And that reminds me of a real story as well. We were implementing a CRM program across the sales force. One particular old timer was having a problem and was advised to hit F11. His response was I can see the F but can't find the 11. 

You can't imagine how much I appreciate hearing that story.    I, likewise, am an old timer, an old coot, and a computer illiterate as well.  Your post let's me know it could be worse because I am not that illiterate.   Its good to know that I am only a partial idiot, not a total idiot.  

[Angry Yeti]

1 hour ago, Golfspy_CG2 said:

Tony's court exchange joke reminded me of this one.  It's a classic among golf shop employees.  WARNING..very Not Safe for Work Language in parts.

And yes we actually get some of these requests!

Not sure exactly why, but the question about bringing your own rake kills me every time.

 

[Golfspy_CG2]

47 minutes ago, Angry Yeti said:

Not sure exactly why, but the question about bringing your own rake kills me every time.

 

you're not the only one, I think it's the follow up...."What kind of course do you normally play that you have to bring your own rake" that makes it 

[JohnSmalls]

2 minutes ago, Golfspy_CG2 said:

you're not the only one, I think it's the follow up...."What kind of course do you normally play that you have to bring your own rake" that makes it 

What time do your 4 o'clock rates start?  Asking for a friend.

[cksurfdude]

And that reminds me of a real story as well. We were implementing a CRM program across the sales force. One particular old timer was having a problem and was advised to hit F11. His response was I can see the F but can't find the 11. 

 

There's an episode of The Simpsons where Homer is in front of a PC .. he reads the instruction on-screen: "Press any key to continue."

 

He calls out to Marge: "Marge .. Help! .. I can't find the 'Any' key!!”

 

...... D'OH!!

 

[Golfspy_CG2]

1 hour ago, TheWahoo said:

You can't imagine how much I appreciate hearing that story.    I, likewise, am an old timer, an old coot, and a computer illiterate as well.  Your post let's me know it could be worse because I am not that illiterate.   Its good to know that I am only a partial idiot, not a total idiot.  

I'll have to paraphrase as  I don't recall exactly how he spelled  it to them, but a friend who was in IT said they would be tempted and may or may not have used on some really unreasonable people, telling them they needed to reboot the ID-I-OT button...I'll admit when he told me that, I had to think for 1/2 a second...hope he wasn't including me in that bunch...ha

[Kenny B]

8 hours ago, TheWahoo said:

You can't imagine how much I appreciate hearing that story.    I, likewise, am an old timer, an old coot, and a computer illiterate as well.  Your post let's me know it could be worse because I am not that illiterate.   Its good to know that I am only a partial idiot, not a total idiot.  

"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  

[TheWahoo]

10 hours ago, Kenny B said:

"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  

LOL!!   Actually, I have often been asked "how do you handle being such an idiot?"    I tell them--I don't handle it, I rather enjoy it.   Its similar to the often used reply about being called ugly---"My face I don't mind it, because I am behind it, its the ones in the front that I jar."

[tony@CIC]

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house." 

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" 

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died" 

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" 

"Si, that's the one." 

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" 

"From eating rotten meat." 

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" 

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses." 

"Dead horse? What dead horse?" 

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart." 

"Are you insane? What water cart?" 

"The one we used to put out the fire." 

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" 

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." 

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?" 

"For the funeral." 

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!" 

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G400 Driver.. 

SILENCE.................... 

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!

[tony@CIC]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”
Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.


So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic
This is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “

[cksurfdude]

"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  

Man I gotta brush up on my "Caddyshack" lines ... Kenny always has the right one ready to go!

[Kenny B]

15 hours ago, cksurfdude said:

On 11/14/2018 at 8:01 PM, Kenny B said:

"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  

Man I gotta brush up on my "Caddyshack" lines ... Kenny always has the right one ready to go!

Easy to do when you've watched Caddyshack as much as Martha and I have.  

We live for stupid movies.

[Reesedw]

A blond is driving down the road. She sees another blond out in a field in a row boat. So she pulls over and yells to the one in the Boat. " You give the rest of us blonds a bad name, and If i could swim I'd swim out there and kick your A$$"...