Whats your best joke?

[tony@CIC]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.　
　
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. 　
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
　
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

 

 

 

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Just thought you'd like to know.

[tony@CIC]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, Dockers, etc., but
nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the
lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the IRS"

[bens197]

Tony's court exchange joke reminded me of this one.  It's a classic among golf shop employees.  WARNING..very Not Safe for Work Language in parts.
And yes we actually get some of these requests!
 

HOLY MOLY I JUST HAD FLASHBACKS!!!

[Kenny B]

6 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, Dockers, etc., but
nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the
lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence....
as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell
into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little
man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied:

"I work for the IRS"

Good one!!  I just forwarded it to my tax accountant;  he's 6'7" 280 lbs.  Plays to an 8 handicap.  He owns his own business with his "little" brother who's over 300 lbs.

[tony@CIC]

2 hours ago, Kenny B said:

Good one!!  I just forwarded it to my tax accountant;  he's 6'7" 280 lbs.  Plays to an 8 handicap.  He owns his own business with his "little" brother who's over 300 lbs.

 You may want to hook him up with our weight loss thread 

[Kenny B]

47 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

 You may want to hook him up with our weight loss thread 

He's not overweight; all muscle.  He used to play football!!!  A good guy to have if the IRS comes around.  

[tony@CIC]

He's not overweight; all muscle.  He used to play football!!!  A good guy to have if the IRS comes around.  

Hopefully the irs guy is as described above


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[No3PuttLaLa]

“Do you play off scratch?” said one player.

The other replied: “I sure am. Every time I hit the ball I scratch my head and wonder where it went.”


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[Mizuno_fan]

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door?
 
Matt
 
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a ditch?
 
Phil
 
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
 
Screwed

Last one is bob not screwed. There is also no arms and legs on the wall? Art. Arms and legs hanging on the wall? Pieces of art.


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[DawgDaddy]

A father told each of his 3 sons as he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district.

[Jmikecpa]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.


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[Kor.A.Door]

20 hours ago, Mizuno_fan said:

Last one is bob not screwed. There is also no arms and legs on the wall? Art. Arms and legs hanging on the wall? Pieces of art.


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Also,  no arms no legs in a pile of leaves, Russell. 

Also, a woman with one leg shorter than the other, Ilene. 

 

[PING Apologist #9]

19 minutes ago, Kor.A.Door said:

Also,  no arms no legs in a pile of leaves, Russell. 

Also, a woman with one leg shorter than the other, Ilene. 

 

Guy with no legs waterskiing: SKIP

[PING Apologist #9]

 

MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. 

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. 

Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. 

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. 

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help." 

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should have been taking golf lessons instead!" 

He never even had a chance to duck.

[Wedgie]

A buddy and I went golfing over the summer. We get paired up with another twosome and head off to the first tee. My friend and I proceed to split the fairway with our drives while the other two hit big slices into the woods.

We drive up to our balls in the fairway and the other guys drove to the edge of the woods then went in looking for their balls. There was another group on the tee waiting so we decided to hit our second shots while we waited for the other two. We go ahead and drive up to the green, putt out and wave the other group thru as we waited for the two dudes.

Eventually we decided to go back to where they parked their cart to figure out what was taking so long. We get out, go about 15 feet into the woods and find the two guys having intercourse. My buddy says “what the hell are you guys doing?”. The guy on top said his friend was having a heart attack. I responded by saying “don’t you know you’re supposed to give mouth-to-mouth?” He responded by saying, “yeah, I know, how do you think this got started!”


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[GB13]

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife to be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"

"Since were being honest", replied the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker." 

The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep you head down and your left arm straight."

Edited December 6, 2018 by GB13

[GB13]

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Edited December 7, 2018 by GB13

[GB13]

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" "I’m a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills." "Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[bluesmandan76]

As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife to be, "Honey, I've got something to confess: I'm a golf nut, and every chance I get, I'll be playing golf!"
"Since were being honest", replied the bride, "I have to tell you that I'm a hooker." 
The groom replies, "That's okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep you head down and your left arm straight."

I don’t like this joke, because it misrepresents us golfers as being naive. I mean, come on, really? We all know that curing a hook is much more complicated than keeping your head down and left arm straight! The reasons could be myriad!


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[GB13]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[GB13]

I just have to post this one too:

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C-prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "...Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle – it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Edited December 11, 2018 by GB13

[tony@CIC]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[GB13]

7 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. 

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. 

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Haha! That's pretty much sums up how I feel about human doctors!

 

[THEZIPR23]

You know you're old when you have to take half a Viagra to hit the toilet in the morning. 

[TheWahoo]

4 minutes ago, THEZIPR23 said:

You know you're old when you have to take half a Viagra to hit the toilet in the morning. 

That reminds me of the story of the guy that would ask the Pharmacist to cut his Viagra into quarters.   The Pharmacist stated that it would weaken its potency.  The guy replied--I'm just trying not to piss on my shoes. 

Using Viagra is a lot like going to Disney World-one must wait an hour for a 3 minute ride.  

Many nursing homes give their male residents a nightly Viagra-it keeps them from rolling out of bed.

[tony@CIC]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

 "Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news"

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

 

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[GB13]

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

[tony@CIC]

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the 
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.She says, 'What's the story?'He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. 
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!''NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

 

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[perseveringgolfer]

2 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

 

 

That reminds me of a girl I went out with many years ago and during a romantic walk during a beautiful red sunset, she asked me "is that the sun cooling down at night?"

She didn't last  

Edited December 16, 2018 by perseveringgolfer

[tony@CIC]

I went out with a girl many years ago and during a romantic walk during a beautiful red sunset, she asked me "is that the sun cooling down at night?"
She didn't last  

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