Whats your best joke?

[Kenny B]

4 hours ago, Reesedw said:

You know it's going bad when you can't even throw a club worth a ship.. lol.

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Once, my wife threw a wedge from the edge of the green.  She had been told that if you are going to throw a club, throw it in the direction of your cart so you don't have far to go get it.  The club bounced off the ground, hit the cart above the rear wheel, and put a hole in the fiberglass.  She has thrown clubs since, but now she is more careful.

[JohnSmalls]

 

[JohnSmalls]

[tony@CIC]

Golf and Texting 

 

[CarlH]

Bob was trying desperately to get in 18 on a soon-to-be stormy day.

He was playing the round of his life, but as the weather grew worse, his swing on the 15th tee was awkward, resulting in a hooked drive into the trees.

His lie was a good one, but right next to a tree. He quickly approached his ball, set himself up, and right as he took the club to the top, lightning struck down from the sky catching his steel-shafted 5-iron.

His friends hurried over to see that there was a large crater in the ground and no site of Bob or his clubs. He was gone.

When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Son, we are sorry to have taken you at such an early age, however, because you love the game so much, and you had the round of your life going, we decided to bring your clubs that you love so dearly so that you may play all the courses of heaven, which are more incredible than any course you have ever played.”

The man started crying instantly, to which St. Peter replied, “I know, you have left behind many loved ones.”

Bob said, “No, that’s not it.”

“Yes, my son, you also had an unbelievable life and a great career,” St. Peter said.

“No, that’s not it either,” sobbed Bob.

St. Peter was stumped. “Well then, what could make you so unhappy, that you would cry like a 3-year-old?”

Bob looked up as the tears flooded from his eyes and said, “I think I left my wedge back on the 14th green.”

[tony@CIC]

Bob was trying desperately to get in 18 on a soon-to-be stormy day.

He was playing the round of his life, but as the weather grew worse, his swing on the 15th tee was awkward, resulting in a hooked drive into the trees.

His lie was a good one, but right next to a tree. He quickly approached his ball, set himself up, and right as he took the club to the top, lightning struck down from the sky catching his steel-shafted 5-iron.

His friends hurried over to see that there was a large crater in the ground and no site of Bob or his clubs. He was gone.

When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Son, we are sorry to have taken you at such an early age, however, because you love the game so much, and you had the round of your life going, we decided to bring your clubs that you love so dearly so that you may play all the courses of heaven, which are more incredible than any course you have ever played.”

The man started crying instantly, to which St. Peter replied, “I know, you have left behind many loved ones.”

Bob said, “No, that’s not it.”

“Yes, my son, you also had an unbelievable life and a great career,” St. Peter said.

“No, that’s not it either,” sobbed Bob.

St. Peter was stumped. “Well then, what could make you so unhappy, that you would cry like a 3-year-old?”

Bob looked up as the tears flooded from his eyes and said, “I think I left my wedge back on the 14th green.”

And the punchline is .......?


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[Wedgie]

And the punchline is .......?

 

 

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I know, CarlH is like a fluffer.

 

 

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[robertson153]

And the punchline is .......?


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I reread it twice to make sure I didn’t miss something. Am I missing something??


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[CarlH]

He gets to play all the courses in heaven, but he's crying because he left his wedge behind (on earth).

[CarlH]

[tony@CIC]

A  nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." 

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois." 

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. 

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." 

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." 

She sat down again. From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. 

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said "This is incredible. I've got to try it again". 

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind". 

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!" 

Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." 

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

 

[DawgDaddy]

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be...

[tony@CIC]

 

I finally snapped,” the man said. “Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof.” “What did you do?” asked his friend. “I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.” “Did it help?” “I’ll say. Tomorrow we’re selling my golf clubs.”

[tony@CIC]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. 

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father" 

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that". 

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many". 

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two Grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way". 

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. 

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar". 

[CarlH]

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.”

The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.”

The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

[tony@CIC]

1. An ambitious I.T. Manager finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for a while. A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
   
   So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. 
   
   One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowing boat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
   
   "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
   
   "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you."
   
   "It's only me," she said, "and the rowing boat didn't wash up, nothing did."
   He was confused, "Then how did you get the boat?"
   
   "Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowing boat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
   
   "But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?"
   
   "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. 
   
   But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
   
   "Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
   
   "No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
   "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
   
   Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. "Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
   
   No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
   
   When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines --strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: 
   
   
   "You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

    

    

    

    
2.  

[CarlH]

[cksurfdude]

On 5/5/2019 at 8:02 AM, tony@CIC said:

She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing: 


"You mean-- ?", he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Since this is a golf forum.. the way I'd heard that joke, the punchline the guy gives was something like:

"You.. you.. built a golf course??!!?? And you made clubs, too???!!!???"

[Kenny B]

 

[CarlH]

[CarlH]

[tony@CIC]

18 minutes ago, CarlH said:

I'm sending this to my friends - they're always looking for Pro V's in the water

[robertson153]

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Not sure where he was going with that, but, I did get a good laugh


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[Pug]

True story- this just happened this morning. My wife and I are sitting here with our morning coffee, reading and listening to the radio. The announcer says, “Today is the international day of the horse .”

Wife: I didn’t know today is the day of the horse . I promise not to nag you today. While I am laughing the announcer says “It’s also ‘Be nice to someone day.’”

Wife: “There you go,” she says. “You get two for one.”

ROTFLMAO

[DawgDaddy]

[GolfSpy MPR]

A groan-worthy joke that Kirke and I made up today:

Where does the king of Egypt like to hit his drives?

In the pharaoh-way.

[cksurfdude]

39 minutes ago, GolfSpy MPR said:

A groan-worthy joke that Kirke and I made up today.....

..groooaannnn....

[tony@CIC]

59 minutes ago, GolfSpy MPR said:

A groan-worthy joke that Kirke and I made up today:

Where does the king of Egypt like to hit his drives?

In the pharaoh-way.

We need a "groan" emoji

[CarlH]

At breakfast, a man asked his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" 

She replied, "I'd take half and then I'd leave you"

"Great!" he said.  "I won $12.  Here's $6.  Keep in touch!"

[CarlH]