Whats your best joke?

[tommc23]

5 hours ago, cksurfdude said:

Well.. technically.. he/she IS pointing ... I don't see a Retriever in the picture

My dogs do it all point and retrieve lol.... it's like the picture of the fox following the fox hound 

[Rickp]

My dogs do it all point and retrieve lol.... it's like the picture of the fox following the fox hound 

I nearly feel off the chair when I saw this pic.
2 best hunting dogs I ever had one was a English Setter male the other a German Shorthair female.


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[DawgDaddy]

I'm thinking this one is appropriate for when I'm gone.  lol

[GolfSpy BOS]

Got some more terrible dad jokes of the day today too.

Here’s the best so far:

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?


















DUNNNNNNNGGGG!

[cksurfdude]

6 minutes ago, B.Boston said:

terrible dad jokes

So a Dad got a job at the neighborhood bicycle shop - he's their new.. spokesperson ... 

[CarlH]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

 

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

 

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

 

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having

sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[tony@CIC]

Got some more terrible dad jokes of the day today too.

Here’s the best so far:

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?


















DUNNNNNNNGGGG!

Mod's we need a groan emoji


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[GolfSpy BOS]

Mod's we need a groan emoji


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Does the *DUNG* emoji work?


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[alfriday101]

If we’re going to do dad jokes:

 

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Zero.

 

Too soon?

[Tom D.]

A priest is waiting in a train station, when in walks a fellow looking a little disheveled with lipstick on his collar and a flask sticking out of the top of one of the pockets of his sports coat and a tie hanging out of the other. The fellow begins reading his newspaper and after a bit he lowers it down and asks the priest, "Excuse me Father, but what causes arthritis?"  The priest says, "Cavorting about with loose women and drinking to excess".

Guy says, "Hey, thanks Father".  A few more minutes pass and the next train is announced, and they both get up.  The priest says to the fellow, "I'm sorry, I came on a little strong there, how long have you had arthritis, my son?"  To which the guy replies, "Oh I don't have it Father, but this article in the paper says the Pope does."

[rkj427]

[tony@CIC]

1 hour ago, rkj427 said:

Hmmmm no, I'm not showing this to my wife -  I don't want her to cut off one of my body parts. 

[Rickp]

Hmmmm no, I'm not showing this to my wife -  I don't want her to cut off one of my body parts. 

Got that right.....


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[Tom D.]

7 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

Hmmmm no, I'm not showing this to my wife -  I don't want her to cut off one of my body parts. 

Yeah, if she is related to Lorena Bobbit, you'd be in BIG trouble !

[Tom D.]

Young family lives next door to an empty lot, and one day a construction crew shows up and starts building a house.  The 5 year old girl is fascinated by all the work, and watches the crew for hour upon hour.  They take a liking to her and she starts to hang out with them on their breaks, and they even start to give her little jobs that she can safely do.  So at the end of the week they give her a pay envelope and its got $10 in it.  She takes it home and shows her Mom, who tells her they need to take it to the bank and put it in her savings account.  So the next day they head to the bank and she informs the teller that this is her pay from working at the construction site next to her house.  The teller says, "wow that's great, are you going to work there next week too?"  To which the little girl replies, "Well I hope so, but it will all depend on whether those a##-holes from Lowe's can get the f#&ing wallboard delivered.

[puttnfool]

What's my best joke?  Right now?  Probably my driver swing.

[cksurfdude]

1 hour ago, seeking70's said:

What's my best joke?  Right now?  Probably my driver swing.

Ha! Good one

[Tom D.]

Mr and Mrs Johnson figure the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted; as his parents put their plan into operation.  "An ambulance just drove by!" he reported.  "Looks like the Anderson's have company, and Matt's riding a new bike," he called out. "Jason is riding his skateboard."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"  Startled, his Mom and Dad shot up in bed, and his Dad called out: "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[CarlH]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

 

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

 

The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.

 

A delicacy! The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.'

 

The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

 

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

 

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.

[puttnfool]

7 hours ago, Tom D. said:

Mr and Mrs Johnson figure the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. 

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted; as his parents put their plan into operation.  "An ambulance just drove by!" he reported.  "Looks like the Anderson's have company, and Matt's riding a new bike," he called out. "Jason is riding his skateboard."

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"  Startled, his Mom and Dad shot up in bed, and his Dad called out: "How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Just read that to the mrs.  Took her about 30 seconds and me reading the punchline twice, but she enjoyed it.

[tony@CIC]

For those that don't follow USGA rules closely, their are new rules specifically crafted for Seniors.:

Rule 9k.34– If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so, because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.

Rule 1.a.5– A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6– A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.B.3– There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

 Rule 4.c.7– If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

 Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.

 Rule 6.a.9– There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.

 Rule 7.G.15– There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.

 Rule 8.k.9– Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by Purchasing new golf equipment Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy. Golf is...above all...a game of integrity.

 

[cksurfdude]

1 hour ago, tony@CIC said:

Rule 9k.34– If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so, because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.

Reminds of the one about the mellow old golfer vs the young eager golfer...

Younger golfer finds his ball just behind a tree, which is directly blocking his path to the hole. He's checking his lie, taking practice swings to see if he can clear the tree, he's considering all his club options, ...

Older golfer comes over: "When I was your age I used to just take a wedge and lob it over the tree and onto the green."

Not to be outdone, of course, eager young golfer grabs a wedge and takes a mighty swing. Ball takes off, smacks the tree, bounces back, lands at his feet.

Older golfer looks at him and says: "When I was your age, the tree was only this high (holding his hand palm-down across his chest to indicate the height)"

[Shank Aaron]

Two buddies meet up at the train station for a ride to their favorite football teams home game. They walk up to the ticket counter and the lady behind the desk turns who around to greet them is a real looker. Absolutely gorgeous, perfectly shaped, and a prime candidate for future lower back problems.

Buddy #1 is completely stunned by her and blurts out "2 Pickets to Titsburgh, please". The young lady blushes and smiles while buddy #1 is devising a plan for escape, or a quick death from the embarrassment. Always the perfect friend, buddy #2 gets shoulder to shoulder with him and says-

B2- Dont feel bad, I really messed up this morning, too.

B1- How could you possibly have done worse than what I just did?

B2- I was having breakfast with the wife and I meant to say "please pass the salt", but what came out was "you f**king c*nt, you ruined my life."

[Tom D.]

5 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

Rule 3.B.3– There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.

This is the one that gave me the biggest chuckle.

[Rickp]

For those that don't follow USGA rules closely, their are new rules specifically crafted for Seniors.:
Rule 9k.34– If a tree is between the ball and the hole, and the tree is deemed to be younger than the player, then the ball can be moved without penalty. This is so, because this is simply a question of timing; when the player was younger, the tree was not there so the player is being penalized because of his age.
Rule 1.a.5– A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6– A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3– There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.
 Rule 4.c.7– If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
 Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
 Rule 6.a.9– There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds". If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
 Rule 7.G.15– There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
 Rule 8.k.9– Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by Purchasing new golf equipment Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy. Golf is...above all...a game of integrity.
 

The Bacon Boyz have these and many more


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[viking]

 

 A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year, which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.  Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.  "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.  The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.  His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting  "

“Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through.”

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered."

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father, how about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
“I don't know -- put me down for a five."

 

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced
back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.  As he approached the gates
of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: “Got here in two, didn't I?”

The bride was escorted down the aisle, and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She asked: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?”

 

[Rickp]

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[Rickp]

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[Kenny B]

[DawgDaddy]

 

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is specially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier; just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."*

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together--It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

*"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"