Whats your best joke?

[RoverRick]

I told my friend Chad this on the first tee box Sunday. 
 

I said, ‘‘I came across the Devil this last week and asked ‘What will it cost me to become the best golfer in the world?’ He said, ‘It will cost you your soul.’ I said, ‘That’s a little steep. How good can you make me for a dollar?’ He said, ‘Good enough to beat Chad.’ So how about $2 Two Downs?”

[CarlH]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[DawgDaddy]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

[cksurfdude]

58 minutes ago, CarlH said:

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

ROTFLMAO!

[DawgDaddy]

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20-foot putt; the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, “That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?” “Somersaults,” says the man. “Somersaults?” says the friend, “That’s incredible. How many does he do?” “Well,” says the man. “That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass.”

[tony@CIC]

A thought for the day:

Exercise makes your body look better naked..................................so does tequila 

[DawgDaddy]

Father O’Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O’Malley’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!” He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!”

By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.”
The Father replied, “It’s the biggest… dam I know.”

[ole gray]

8 hours ago, DawgDaddy said:

Father O’Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter “Hoover!” under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. “Hoover!” again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O’Malley’s drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! “Praise be to God!” He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. “HOOVER!!!!”

By this time, his opponent couldn’t withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said “Hoover.”
The Father replied, “It’s the biggest… dam I know.”

 

Hey buddy you throw out some funny stuff!   We had our greens punched this week at LC so once they are rolling smooth again, let's tee up soon!

[DawgDaddy]

4 hours ago, ole gray said:

 

Hey buddy you throw out some funny stuff!   We had our greens punched this week at LC so once they are rolling smooth again, let's tee up soon!

Sounds good buddy, I was actually thinking about getting in touch about Monday but I guess we will wait a couple of weeks huh? 

[ole gray]

19 hours ago, DawgDaddy said:

Sounds good buddy, I was actually thinking about getting in touch about Monday but I guess we will wait a couple of weeks huh? 

Yea I played yesterday and it was not good.  They will have it all smoothed out and looking good in a couple of weeks.

[rkj427]

No offense meant to the older players here.........................  

[Bulldog]

A man is driving across the desert when his car breaks down. He starts walking and eventually comes to a lone house.  He knocks on the door and an older gentleman answers.  The older gentleman introduces himself and says that he is a retired pastor, and gives the driver some food and water, The driver then asks if there's a way to get to town because he has an important appointment.  The pastor says that his wife has taken the pickup truck into town, but he has a horse that knows the way into town - if the man can ride.  The man says he's ridden horses a few times and he is willing to try.  

As the man gets on the horse, the pastor says "There's a couple of things you need to know about this horse. To get the horse to go, you have to say 'hallelujah' and to get the horse to stop, you have to say 'amen'." So the man says, "hallelujah" and the horse starts walking.  

After a mile or so, the man gets an idea and says, "hallelujah, hallelujah" and the horse starts trotting.  Excitedly, he yells "HALLELUJAH!  HALLELUJAH!  HALLELUJAH!" and the horse starts running. The man grins as the horse races across the desert. But then he sees that the horse is running at top speed toward the top of a huge cliff. He yells "Whoa!" but the horse keeps running.  He screams "WHOA! WHOA!" but the horse keeps running.  Finally, he remembers and yells "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs.  The horse skids to a stop inches from the edge of the cliff.  His heart racing, he wipes his brow, looks to the heavens and shouts "Hallelujah!"

[Kenny B]

Not really a joke, but funny none-the-less...

[Jmikecpa]

On 6/30/2021 at 8:24 PM, Kenny B said:

Not really a joke, but funny none-the-less...

Is it wrong I park there with my white Hellcat?  It does have an eco mode to be fair to me. 

[DawgDaddy]

[tommc23]

2 hours ago, DawgDaddy said:

This seems very @ole gray ish

[Kenny B]

[DawgDaddy]

[CarlH]

[CarlH]

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

[CarlH]

OBSESSIONS

A psychologist was conducting group therapy with a class of young mothers and their children;

"You all have obsessions." he told them.

To one mother he told her that she was obsessed with eating so you named your daughter Candy.

To another mother he said, "you are obsessed with money. It manifests itself in your child's name Penny."

To another he said "Your obsession is alcohol, you named your child Brandy."

At this point one mother arose quickly to her feet, took her son by the hand and whispered, "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he is talking about.

Lets go pick up Peter and Willy at school"!!

[Siamese Moose]

https://www.gocomics.com/frazz/2021/08/07

I'm working from my tablet, not my desktop, so I can't figure out how to embed the graphic directly.  Sorry!

[Kenny B]

Daughter:  Dad, I want a dinosaur.

Dad:  It's impossible.

Daughter:  Then let me have a boyfriend.

Dad:

[puttnfool]

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

 

[cksurfdude]

Hey it's a beer cooler and a bbq grill all in one!

[DawgDaddy]

DO NOT make brownies in a corn bread cast iron pan. No one will eat them!

[puttnfool]

19 hours ago, puttnfool said:

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

 

I should clarify, this isn't a joke per se.  It's based on a true story.  Real life events.  No kiddin'...

[Kenny B]

3 hours ago, DawgDaddy said:

DO NOT make brownies in a corn bread cast iron pan. No one will eat them!

Except Carl Spackler...

[fixyurdivot]

On 5/8/2021 at 2:19 PM, Tom D. said:

Boy, that big sumb!tch hasn't missed any meals !!!

No kidding.  By the looks of his bulging midsection, I'm guessing the guy who played that ball is adorning milk cartons.

[JohnSmalls]

On 7/5/2021 at 6:49 PM, Jmikecpa said:

Is it wrong I park there with my white Hellcat?  It does have an eco mode to be fair to me. 

Not at all. It’s encouraged!