Whats your best joke?

[chisag]

... Not sure if I posted this previously, but since the PGA is at Southern Hills I figured it was appropriate to repeat. The bigger question: Is this Ole Gray?

 

 

 

[Rickp]

21 minutes ago, chisag said:

... Not sure if I posted this previously, but since the PGA is at Southern Hills I figured it was appropriate to repeat. The bigger question: Is this Ole Gray?

 

 

Could be him

[GaDawg]

4 hours ago, Rickp said:

Could be him

I don't think it's Ole Gray, I live in the same small town as him and I/everyone would know......

[CarlH]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is a couple sex? The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey? The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

[CarlH]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

 

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

 

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

 

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.  "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."  He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

 

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

 

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

[CarlH]

[Kenny B]

[SlikHands]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. 

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrived, and there they are on the golf course. 

The first guy said, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off if."

The second guy said, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy said, "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf....'

"And she said, 'Take a sweater.'"

[CarlH]

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.

 

They revealed that: North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

 

This has come as very upsetting news to most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

[DawgDaddy]

On 5/22/2022 at 2:06 PM, chisag said:

... Not sure if I posted this previously, but since the PGA is at Southern Hills I figured it was appropriate to repeat. The bigger question: Is this Ole Gray?

 

 

Nah, my buddy doesn't like donuts.   lol

[DawgDaddy]

A redneck had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

“Sir, are you aware it’s not lobster season, and it’s illegal to fish lobsters?”

“Dang son,” the redneck said. “I didn’t fish ’em. Them lobsters are my pets.”

“Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I’ll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim.”

“Well, I’ve had ’em since they was babes. Trained ’em myself. I can let ’em go play, and when I call  ’em they comes right back to me.”

The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The redneck put the lobsters on the sand and said “Go ‘n play, guys."

The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.

“That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it! Now call them back.”

The redneck turned with a sly smile and said, “Call what back?”

[ole gray]

On 5/22/2022 at 2:06 PM, chisag said:

... Not sure if I posted this previously, but since the PGA is at Southern Hills I figured it was appropriate to repeat. The bigger question: Is this Ole Gray?

 

 

Shhhhhhhhhhhh .

[DawgDaddy]

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.” Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the heck are you doing? This dog’s a genius!” The owner responds, “Genius, my butt… It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

[cksurfdude]

Ha that reminds me of this old corny one....

--

Guy walks into a bar with a dog alongside him, says to the bartender: "This is a taking dog! How about free drinks if I prove it?"

Bartender is like, Sure fella sure...

Guy asks the dog: "What's over our heads?" Dog: "Roof! Roof!!"

Bartender is not impressed.

Guy asks the dog: "Describe the surface of this old bar?" Dog: "Rough! Rough!!"

Bartender is still sceptical.

Guy asks the dog: "ok who was the greatest home run hitter of all time?" Dog: "Ruth! Ruth!!"

Bartender has had enough, grabs them both by their collars and tosses them out the door onto sidewalk. Dog looks at the guy and says: "hmmm .. maybe I should've said Hank Aaron?"

[CarlH]

A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

 

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

 

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The Alabama students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

 

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

 

A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

[GaDawg]

On 6/21/2022 at 8:14 AM, CarlH said:

A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

 

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

 

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The Alabama students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

 

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

 

A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

This reminds me of about 30 years ago, I was working in the retail industry and traveling around north Georgia and north Alabama. On one trip I had a regional sales director riding with me and we are driving from Ft. Payne, Ala to Huntsville. We were on several back roads and he looks over and asked did I know what the Alabama state flower was? I replied that I had no idea. He said: Satellite Dish

I swear, every house or trailer had one of these outside.

[GrumpyGolf]

A Limerick

I once played a round on a course 

My caddie worked hard as a horse 

She helped me to score 

And get down in four 

Playing around is what got me divorced 

[CarlH]

This one is for @chisag

 

[Rickp]

2 minutes ago, CarlH said:

This one is for @chisag

 

Now that’s funny!

[ole gray]

[Siamese Moose]

After many years of living happily ever after, Cinderella is now old. The prince has passed, the servants have left, and she sits alone with only her cat for company. Suddenly there was a flash, and a woman appeared. Cinderella immediately recognized that it was her fiary godmother! "My dear, I've some to check up on you! How did it all work out with the prince?" Cinderella told her, "Oh, it was a wonderful life! The prince was a fabulous and loving husband, and life was awesome." The fairy godmother replied, "But you seem sad now." "Well, the prince is gone, and while he was a great spouse, he was a lousy financial planner, and now I'm old and quite poor. I live alone with only my cat, and I can't even feed him properly." The fairy godmother answered, Ah, but you were kind and generous to others, so I have the power to give you three new wishes. What would you like?" Cinderella was gobsmacked! "Well, could you make me rich again?" With a flash, the room was filled floor to ceiling with gold. "Oh my goodness, such a treasure! But I'm an old lady, I can't spend this. Could you also make me young again?" With another flash, Cinderella was transformed back into her young prime, slim and gorgeous. Now that she was young again, she realized she was feeling things she hadn't felt in a while, and said she'd like the prince back. "Oh no, my dear, I can't raise the dead! You have to wish for something else." Cinderella thought about it, and looked down at her cat, and said, "Ginger has always been my loving companion. Can you turn my cat into a man?" With another flash the cat was transformed into an extremely handsome fine specimen of a man. At that the fairy godmother said, "Enjoy your new life, I an off!", and disapearred as quickly as she had come. Cinderella blinked the bright flashes out of her eyes, and gazed at her new beau. He leaned over with wide eyes, and whispered in her ear, "Now I bet you wish you hadn't cut my nuts off!"

[DawgDaddy]

 

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…
only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

[Reesedw]

On 6/26/2022 at 6:03 AM, ole gray said:

Only in GA.. lol

[tony@CIC]

For those of us married (and especially for a long time) we're pretty familiar with the "FINE!" or  "Whatever" responses. but I forgot about the bonus word. Any newly weds here might take all of these words into consideration when communicating with SWMBOs' . 

 

Note this was posted in the MEN's Locker room at Plum brook country club. 

[SlikHands]

17 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

For those of us married (and especially for a long time) we're pretty familiar with the "FINE!" or  "Whatever" responses. but I forgot about the bonus word. Any newly weds here might take all of these words into consideration when communicating with SWMBOs' . 

 

Note this was posted in the MEN's Locker room at Plum brook country club. 

Can you educate us what "SWMBO's" stands for???

[hohjoe]

 

So, Einstein is taking his morning stroll around heaven and meets someone, and asks aren’t you new here? And the guy replies yes, I am. Einstein asked what he did before on earth and the guy said he was a nuclear physicist. Einstein said that sounds like a very interesting job we will have to discuss it over lunch one day.

The next day on his morning stroll Einstein meets someone else new and asked what that person did. The person replies he ran the nuclear medicine wing at John Hopkins hospital. Einstein said I’d love to hear all about your job and what was involved, we can discuss it over lunch one day.

One the next stroll Einstein meets another new person and asked what he did for a job previously. The guy said he drove a garbage truck for the city for 32 years. Einstein said ROLL TIDE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MyWifesSwingCoach]

58 minutes ago, SlikHands said:

Can you educate us what "SWMBO's" stands for???

I believe it means "She Who Must Be Obeyed"

[Rickp]

1 hour ago, SlikHands said:

Can you educate us what "SWMBO's" stands for???

She Who Must Be Obeyed, I believe it was coined by David Ferehty.

 

[Rickp]

46 minutes ago, hohjoe said:

 

 

 

 

So, Einstein is taking his morning stroll around heaven and meets someone, and asks aren’t you new here? And the guy replies yes, I am. Einstein asked what he did before on earth and the guy said he was a nuclear physicist. Einstein said that sounds like a very interesting job we will have to discuss it over lunch one day.

The next day on his morning stroll Einstein meets someone else new and asked what that person did. The person replies he ran the nuclear medicine wing at John Hopkins hospital. Einstein said I’d love to hear all about your job and what was involved, we can discuss it over lunch one day.

One the next stroll Einstein meets another new person and asked what he did for a job previously. The guy said he drove a garbage truck for the city for 32 years. Einstein said ROLL TIDE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can’t wait to send this to my next door neighbor!  

[tony@CIC]

3 hours ago, SlikHands said:

Can you educate us what "SWMBO's" stands for???

 You must be newly wed or not married. 

Hopefully SWMBO is now cleared up