Whats your best joke?

[SlikHands]

18 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

 You must be newly wed or not married. 

Hopefully SWMBO is now cleared up 

Going on 6 years of being married! I usually refer to her as Boss....when purchasing clubs I always have to check with my "CFO" lo. 

[MyWifesSwingCoach]

1 hour ago, tony@CIC said:

 You must be newly wed or not married. 

Hopefully SWMBO is now cleared up 

 

1 hour ago, SlikHands said:

Going on 6 years of being married! I usually refer to her as Boss....when purchasing clubs I always have to check with my "CFO" lo. 

I just passed 6 years of being married and the first I had seen of that acronym was from @Rickp... It did not take me long to figure out what it meant 

[Reesedw]

1 hour ago, MyWifesSwingCoach said:

 

I just passed 6 years of being married and the first I had seen of that acronym was from @Rickp... It did not take me long to figure out what it meant 

In My house it means I'm in trouble.. .LOL

[Kenny B]

3 hours ago, MyWifesSwingCoach said:

 

I just passed 6 years of being married and the first I had seen of that acronym was from @Rickp... It did not take me long to figure out what it meant 

Remember... The Look.  

After 15 years I still have trouble distinguishing between "What did I do now?" and "What didn't I do that I should have done?"

[Larryw]

First time I was aware of SWMBO was on the old British Comedy "Rumpole of the Bailey". Great series if you can catch it.

[chisag]

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

[berkeleybob]

A man walked up to a farmer one day. Pointing to the hound next to him, he asked the farmer, “Do you mind if I talk to your dog?”

”You can try,” the farmer scoffed, “but I doubt he’ll answer back.”

The man asked the dog, “Is he your owner?”

”Yep,” the dog said.

”How does he treat you?” The man asked.

”He’s wonderful. I get two meals a day and lots of treats. We go for long walks in the morning and evening, and he let’s me sit by the fire in the winter.”

”That’s amazing!” The farmer said.

The man pointed at the stable and asked, “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

”Sure, go ahead. I don’t know what he’d say.”

The man walked up to the horse and pointing to the farmer he asked, “Is that guy your owner?”

”Yep.” The horse replied.

”How does he treat you?” The man asked.

“He’s a terrific person. I live in a warm stall. I get to graze to my heart’s delight, and we go riding out on the countryside often. It’s a wonderful life.”

The farmer was shocked. “That’s incredible!”

Then the man pointed toward the field. “Do you mind if I talk to your sheep?”

The farmer replied, “That sheep’s a liar!”

[Rickp]

20 minutes ago, berkeleybob said:

A man walked up to a farmer one day. Pointing to the hound next to him, he asked the farmer, “Do you mind if I talk to your dog?”

”You can try,” the farmer scoffed, “but I doubt he’ll answer back.”

The man asked the dog, “Is he your owner?”

”Yep,” the dog said.

”How does he treat you?” The man asked.

”He’s wonderful. I get two meals a day and lots of treats. We go for long walks in the morning and evening, and he let’s me sit by the fire in the winter.”

”That’s amazing!” The farmer said.

The man pointed at the stable and asked, “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

”Sure, go ahead. I don’t know what he’d say.”

The man walked up to the horse and pointing to the farmer he asked, “Is that guy your owner?”

”Yep.” The horse replied.

”How does he treat you?” The man asked.

“He’s a terrific person. I live in a warm stall. I get to graze to my heart’s delight, and we go riding out on the countryside often. It’s a wonderful life.”

The farmer was shocked. “That’s incredible!”

Then the man pointed toward the field. “Do you mind if I talk to your sheep?”

The farmer replied, “That sheep’s a liar!”

Saw that coming!

[CarlH]

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

[DawgDaddy]

 

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Ethel said,

“You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual organism’.

‘Mutual organism’ here and mutual organism’ there – that’s all they talk about.

Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have a mutual organism?”.

Mabel thought for a long while.

Finally, she shook her head and said,

“No, I think we had State Farm.

[chisag]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’ The cop smiled and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

[CarlH]

[Rickp]

2 hours ago, chisag said:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’ The cop smiled and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

A couple dozen lined up? More like 500+!

[chisag]

These are actual complaints received by a holiday company from dissatisfied customers:
 

• 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
• 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
• 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
• 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
• 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
• 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
• 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
• 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
• 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
• 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

• 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
• 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
• 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
• 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
• 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
• 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
• 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
• 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[Rickp]

6 minutes ago, chisag said:

These are actual complaints received by a holiday company from dissatisfied customers:
 

• 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
• 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
• 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
• 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
• 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
• 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
• 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
• 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
• 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
• 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

• 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
• 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
• 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
• 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
• 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
• 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
• 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
• 19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Can’t Fix Stoopid

[chisag]

Just now, Rickp said:

Can’t Fix Stoopid

 

... Thank goodness because they can really be pretty funny! 

[Rickp]

24 minutes ago, chisag said:

 

... Thank goodness because they can really be pretty funny! 

True…

[cksurfdude]

3 hours ago, Rickp said:

Can’t Fix Stoopid

You're being way too kind there.....

O.M.G.

[DawgDaddy]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

[Rickp]

26 minutes ago, DawgDaddy said:

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

You had it at Politician!!

[CarlH]

[Kenny B]

13 hours ago, CarlH said:

"The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it."  -  Al Czervik

[DawgDaddy]

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son as as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner. Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins."

[berkeleybob]

A little humor across the pond ...

 

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair checked into a hotel in Manchester, went to its bar and asked for a pint of Guinness. The bartender said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

 

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

 

"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England." 

 

"That is remarkable value," observed O'Leary.

 

"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

 

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."

 

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

 

"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."

 

O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage. "I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"

 

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9:00 am and 9:10 am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per minute".

 

"I will never use this bar again!" 

 

"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."

 

[cksurfdude]

Head this one yesterday...

Three Buddhist monks die and somehow end up in front of St Peter at the pearly gates .. he tells them: "This is Christian heaven, not Buddhist heaven. But if you can tell me the true meaning of Easter I can let you in."

First monk, all excited: "Oh oh .. that's the one with the jolly fat man sliding down the chimney carrying presents!"

St Peter: "ummm not quite, nooo, sorry....."

Second monk, very serious: "I know - that's the day we all sit in temple remembering the dead and atoning for our misdeeds and mistakes."

St Peter: "Hmm, interesting, but that's I think that's Judaism, no sorry...."

Third monk: "Easter is when the ancient Romans nailed Jesus to the cross, left him on it to die, then put him in a cave and covered the entrance with a rock. A few days days later Jesus emerged from the cave."

St Peter has a surprised look on his face while the third monk continues: "And the true meaning of this holiday is if Jesus sees his shadow then we have six more weeks of winter!"

[Kenny B]

3 hours ago, cksurfdude said:

Head this one yesterday...

Three Buddhist monks die and somehow end up in front of St Peter at the pearly gates .. he tells them: "This is Christian heaven, not Buddhist heaven. But if you can tell me the true meaning of Easter I can let you in."

First monk, all excited: "Oh oh .. that's the one with the jolly fat man sliding down the chimney carrying presents!"

St Peter: "ummm not quite, nooo, sorry....."

Second monk, very serious: "I know - that's the day we all sit in temple remembering the dead and atoning for our misdeeds and mistakes."

St Peter: "Hmm, interesting, but that's I think that's Judaism, no sorry...."

Third monk: "Easter is when the ancient Romans nailed Jesus to the cross, left him on it to die, then put him in a cave and covered the entrance with a rock. A few days days later Jesus emerged from the cave."

St Peter has a surprised look on his face while the third monk continues: "And the true meaning of this holiday is if Jesus sees his shadow then we have six more weeks of winter!"

Heard it today?  You on the course with Monte... did it come from Monte???  

[cksurfdude]

Just now, Kenny B said:

You on the course with Monte... did it come from Monte???  

Hah yes! We're waiting on the tee and he suddenly, randomly, digresses into telling that! 

[DawgDaddy]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 

[tommc23]

12 minutes ago, DawgDaddy said:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 

Was not expect that ending 

[DawgDaddy]

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital. Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried: “So, how’s my mom doing?”

“She‘s great!” he replied. “She will be released from the hospital any day now, and will move in with us when she’s released, and go on to live for many, many years!”

“Wow! That’s amazing!” says the wife. “But also very strange. Before I left the hospital, she seemed very ill, and the doctors said she may only have a few days left. Did she have some kind of a miraculous recovery?”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” replied the husband. “But today, the doctor told me that we needed to start preparing for the worst!”