Whats your best joke?

[Kenny B]

 

[steveone]

[cksurfdude]

5 hours ago, steveone said:

HA! That's great - used to really enjoy Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote

[Kenny B]

6 minutes ago, cksurfdude said:

HA! That's great - used to really enjoy Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote

Still do.  

[chisag]

57 minutes ago, Kenny B said:

Still do.  

 

... Here ya go!

 

 

 

[Kenny B]

3 minutes ago, chisag said:

 

... Here ya go!

 

 

Seen lots of them in Phoenix and Albuquerque.  As bad as the squirrels my wife feeds!!

[chisag]

35 minutes ago, Kenny B said:

Seen lots of them in Phoenix and Albuquerque.  As bad as the squirrels my wife feeds!!

 

... Never saw one til I moved here. There are around 10 or so that live on my home course. They are unrelenting beggars although a little skittish. One day I gave some of my organic fruit/nuts bar to one and 2 others swooped in and stole it! I moved her away from them and gave her another bite that she just held in her beak til the thief's stole it again and I realized they were her babies. Rare to see 3 since they are very territorial. Watching one viscously smash a lizard against the rocks is a real nature show. 

[Rickp]

6 minutes ago, chisag said:

 

... Never saw one til I moved here. There are around 10 or so that live on my home course. They are unrelenting beggars although a little skittish. One day I gave some of my organic fruit/nuts bar to one and 2 others swooped in and stole it! I moved her away from them and gave her another bite that she just held in her beak til the thief's stole it again and I realized   those were her babies. Rare to see 3 since they are very territorial. Watching one viscously smash a lizard against the rocks is a real nature show. 

I’ve only seen them when we visited AZ. Thought they were kinda cool running around.  I also thought they were larger.

[Kenny B]

7 minutes ago, chisag said:

 

... Never saw one til I moved here. There are around 10 or so that live on my home course. They are unrelenting beggars although a little skittish. One day I gave some of my organic fruit/nuts bar to one and 2 others swooped in and stole it! I moved her away from them and gave her another bite that she just held in her beak til the thief's stole it again and I realized they were her babies. Rare to see 3 since they are very territorial. Watching one viscously smash a lizard against the rocks is a real nature show. 

I always saw them about an hour or two before sunset, because that's when I mostly played.  Maybe they are out in the morning after dawn as well, until it gets hot.

[chisag]

1 minute ago, Rickp said:

I’ve only seen them when we visited AZ. Thought they were kinda cool running around.  I also thought they were larger.

 

... After living here a year I was a little surprised they were not as fast as I thought they were. The Az Quail that rarely fly seemed faster. Then one day a coyote chased one across the fairway and I finally saw one at full speed. Haha just like the cartoon with head down and gone in a blink of an eye. It was sooooo fast. I have seen it a few more times but very rarely do they run full speed. 

[chisag]

5 minutes ago, Kenny B said:

I always saw them about an hour or two before sunset, because that's when I mostly played.  Maybe they are out in the morning after dawn as well, until it gets hot.

 

... I only play twilite, starting at 1pm now and we see them all round long. Last time I played in the morning was back in the 90's. What's funny is the Roadrunner Bird Call is just rattling the wrapper when opening your snack. Occasionally there are none in sight but when I open my Organic Pro Bar or Tosi Nut Bar one suddenly appears. 

[Rickp]

6 minutes ago, chisag said:

 

... Never saw one til I moved here. There are around 10 or so that live on my home course. They are unrelenting beggars although a little skittish. One day I gave some of my organic fruit/nuts bar to one and 2 others swooped in and stole it! I moved her away from them and gave her another bite that she just held in her beak til the thief's stole it again and I realized   those were her babies. Rare to see 3 since they are very territorial. Watching one viscously smash a lizard against the rocks is a real nature show. 

I’ve only seen them when we visited AZ. Thought they were kinda cool running around.  I also thought they were larger.

[cksurfdude]

47 minutes ago, chisag said:

Then one day a coyote chased one across the fairway and I finally saw one at full speed. Haha just like the cartoon with head down and gone in a blink of an eye. It was sooooo fast. I have seen it a few more times but very rarely do they run full speed. 

Saw one within Joshua Tree nat'l park years ago .. something other than me spooked him/her/they/it and wow that thing took off!

The disappointing thing, tho .. can anyone guess? .. no "meep MEEP" as he took off

Saw one more on a golf course near Palm Springs and that one seemed accustomed to humans .. standing nearby, looking cute and begging for treats!!

[chisag]

31 minutes ago, cksurfdude said:

The disappointing thing, tho .. can anyone guess? .. no "meep MEEP" as he took off

 

... LOL. When the get pi$$ed off they make a pretty chilling sound. Reminds me of a Raptor. 

[chisag]

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $750,000 a year, but you’re not giving any money to charity!” he told her. “Now, I happen to run a very credible charity, and…oh look! I live right next door. Tell you what: you write me a check for $1,000 right now to help my charity, and then I promise I’ll leave you alone.”

The politician gasped, very offended. “You think I have money just sitting around to give to charity?” she said. “Were you aware that last year, my father lost his house in a fire, and everything he owned along with it?”

“Um, I didn’t,” said her neighbor.

“And did you also know that my daughter got into a horrible car accident last year, having medical bills several times her annual wages?” she went on.

“Er…no, I’m sorry…”

“And that my sister had her husband walk out on her, leaving her penniless with three children?”

Her neighbor, now very embarrassed, said, “Oh, my! I apologize. I had no idea what was going on with your family members!”

And the politician continued: “And so… if I didn’t give any money to them, why would I give any to you?”

[steveone]

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which “lived” there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm - I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what’s the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

[Rickp]

27 minutes ago, steveone said:

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which “lived” there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm - I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what’s the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

That needs a groan emoji!

[tony@CIC]

12 hours ago, Rickp said:

That needs a groan emoji!

better than an emoji 

[tony@CIC]

 

 

[chisag]

A Blond & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.. 
It has been in their backyard barking for hours & hours. 
The Blond jumps up out of bed and says, 
"I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. 
When she finally comes back up to bed her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" 
She says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!

[steveone]

 I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters.

Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe…

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?

A coconut on vacation

I was having trouble with my internet connection at the farm, so I moved my modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

 

A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?”

Slim to Nun?

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think “Baby I’ts Cold Outside” is really weird,

and we’re gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

What genre are national anthems?

Country.

[DawgDaddy]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But, instead of running, the old dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says… “Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

 

Moral of this story…

 

Don’t mess with the old dogs.

Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery.

[steveone]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said,

“How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.
“What a coincidence!” said the farmer.

As they clinked glasses, he added,

“What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man.

“I’m a chicken farmer, and for years my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman,
“How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said,
“What a coincidence!

[steveone]

[steveone]

[steveone]

[steveone]

This is the real reason your pants don't fit on the day after Thanksgiving.

 

[steveone]

[steveone]

[DawgDaddy]

 

 Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........


"A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua?!"