Whats your best joke?

[Rickp]

4 minutes ago, ChuckZ said:

Think I stirred up a hornets nest.....could be fun and interesting.....all my friends who are attorneys and Judges, love it......

It’s good to be able to laugh at yourself sometimes.

[chisag]

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood:

The pig and the cow.

[tony@CIC]

8 minutes ago, chisag said:

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," spoke the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes late the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood:

The pig and the cow.

Too funny - I didn't expect the punchline. 

[ChuckZ]

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

[Rickp]

11 minutes ago, ChuckZ said:

A lawyer was so large that, when he died, the undertaker couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body. So, the undertaker gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

That’s a new one…

[ChuckZ]

Google and research.....a plenty.....

[alfriday101]

I was an attorney in my earlier life.  One of my favorites:

 

Do you know what you call 25 lawyers sky diving?

 

Skeet.  

[Rickp]

52 minutes ago, alfriday101 said:

I was an attorney in my earlier life.  One of my favorites:

 

Do you know what you call 25 lawyers sky diving?

 

Skeet.  

Gotta send this to my attorney buddy in CT.  Also was one of my hunting buddies.

[Kenny B]

It was bitterly cold the other day... How cold was it?  It was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

The difference between a carp and a lawyer... one is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

[cksurfdude]

You know the old saying, "talk is cheap"..?

Well.. not after a lawyer enters the room

 

[Big moose]

Tiger woods runs into Ray Charles at a charity event, Ray tells tiger that he likes to golf also. Tiger says wow that's awesome. Ray says we will have to play some time, tiger says great. Then Ray asks how much do you want to play for, tiger says I can't play you for money, Ray says what's the matter you afraid to. So tiger says fine when do you want to play, Ray looks at tiger and says any night you want to..

[tony@CIC]

11 hours ago, Kenny B said:

It was bitterly cold the other day... How cold was it?  It was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

The difference between a carp and a lawyer... one is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

We're on a roll now 

[DawgDaddy]

On 12/9/2016 at 9:16 PM, Golfspy_CG2 said:

Ray and John UGA, fans were sitting in the stands watching the game, when The bulldog reached back and licked his privates. Ray said, "Man, I'd like to be able to do that". John looked at him and "ThAt dog would biiiiite you!!"

 

Apologies to Dawg Daddy and Ole Gray.

One of Lewis Grizzard's most famous jokes. 

[JerryB]

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.

"Round?"

"Round."

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round."

[Rickp]

1 hour ago, JerryB said:

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.

"Round?"

"Round."

"Get a round?"

"I'll get a round."

That’s a groaner

[JerryB]

5 minutes ago, Rickp said:

That’s a groaner

That's why I love it!!  First time I told it, my dad chuckled and my wife rolled her eyes.  But then I looked over at my mom, sitting at the kitchen table with her back to me, and her shoulders were shaking in quiet laughter.  She couldn't hold it in and had one of those ten minute laugh/gasp for air fits.  Thinking about it now and I'm giggling at the reaction.

Edited May 7, 2023 by JerryB

[Rickp]

3 minutes ago, JerryB said:

That's why I love it!!  First time I told it, my dad chuckled and my wife rolled her eyes.  But then I looked over at my mom, sitting at the kitchen table with her back to me, and her shoulders were shaking in quiet laughter.  She couldn't hold it in and had one of those ten minute laugh/gasp for air fits.  Thinking about it now and I'm giggling at the reaction.

That’s great!

[Big moose]

Cinderella is getting ready to go to the ball and her fairy godmother walked in, Cinderella is crying, fairy godmother asked what was wrong and Cinderella says she started her period and bad cramps. Fairy godmother gives her a magic tampon and all her pain goes away. She tells her she needs to be back before midnight or it will turn into a pumpkin, Cinderella says ok. She comes walking in at 1:30 and her fairy godmother tells her that she had to be back by midnight or it would turn into a pumpkin, Cinderella says that's OK I met this nice guy at the ball his name was Peter, peter........

[Bulldog]

Two guys go out to play golf.  One of them brings his little dog.  On the first green the guy with the dog makes a 25 foot putt.  The dog stands up on his hind legs and starts yipping. The other guy says, "Wow, your dog is really talented.  What does he do if you miss the putt?"  The other gofer replies, "Somersaults."  The other guy says, "Somersaults! How many does he do?"  The  first guy replies, "Depends on how hard I kick him."

[DawgDaddy]

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, “sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved”

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police.

Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “alright buddy, what’s your name?”

“Ole Gray” the man moans.

“And where ya from Ole Gray?”

With pain in his voice Ole Gray replied, “the balcony”.

[Big moose]

An older couple is involved in a car accident, she died in the accident and goes up to heaven. When her husband learns she died in the accident he dies of a heart attack. She is standing at the pearly gates and st. Peter comes and she asks him how she can enter heaven, he says all you have to do is spell the word love, she says L O V E, st. Peter says enter. St. Peter asks her if she would watch the gates for him for a couple minutes, he tells her to do the same thing he did. The next person to get there is her husband, he says what are you doing there, she says just watching the gates for a minute. He asks her what does he have to do to get in. She says it's simple all you need to do is spell the word czechoslovakia.

[Big moose]

What does a 90 year old woman have between her boobs that a 16 year old doesn't, her belly button. 

[Bang60]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knows nothing about golf and greets him in a typical Irish manner, utterly unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, Sir,” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!"

[cksurfdude]

Note: this car was parked and I was not driving when I caught this pic

 

[Bang60]

9 hours ago, cksurfdude said:

Note: this car was parked and I was not driving when I caught this pic

 

You should of written "Wash Me" lol 

[Siamese Moose]

Apparently, red neck murders are very difficult to solve. There's no dental records, and all of the DNA is the same.

[cksurfdude]

I had to post this here 'cuz this is such a sorry-a** joke that it is laughable.....

Really dude? 

 

[Rickp]

7 minutes ago, cksurfdude said:

I had to post this here 'cuz this is such a sorry-a** joke that it is laughable.....

Really dude? 

 

Yup, this was going around for a while.  Dunno if anyone feel for it…….

[cksurfdude]

14 minutes ago, Rickp said:

Yup, this was going around for a while.  Dunno if anyone feel for it…….

ohh man see now i feel left out ... just got it this afternoon...... 

[Rickp]

3 minutes ago, cksurfdude said:

ohh man see now i feel left out ... just got it this afternoon...... 

probably knew you didn’t have any bitcoins