Whats your best joke?

[TheWahoo 3,507]

You may have known how to do something but how did I know the next person did? With the manual process I have to rely on how the person was trained. With a computerized process I rely on what was identified and verified by an expert user to ensure the process is followed each time.

 

Ultimately, just like you knew what you were doing the programmer knows what they are doing. I have more faith in the programmer than the expert communicating all the information to the programmer.

I understand your point.   Our common factor is that we ultimately have the need to trust someone or something.   But when those computers go down, the world stops.   What the heck do we do now.   At least in my day, things continued we could respond immediately.

[cnosil 24,339]

I understand your point. Our common factor is that we ultimately have the need to trust someone or something. But when those computers go down, the world stops. What the heck do we do now. At least in my day, things continued we could respond immediately.

I agree about the world stopping when the computer goes down. There is generally no mechanism in place to do anything when the computer system is down. I guess it is a sign that we should enjoy the few moments where technology does not drive what we do.

[DawgDaddy 3,178]

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish? 

Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish. 

Warden: your pet fish? How's that? 

Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour

and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night. 

Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!! 

Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake) 

Warden: well this I got to see!! 

5 minutes later... 

Warden: well?? 

Man: what? 

Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish?? 

Man: what fish??

[TheWahoo 3,507]

Dawg, that's similar to the guy that had several dead geese and was stopped by the game warden.   The warden asked if he had the proper license.  To which the guy said yes.   The warden picked up a goose and stuck his finger up its butt and said, this is a Maryland goose do you have a Maryland license.  The guy showed him his Maryland license.   The warden picked up another goose and again stuck his finger up its butt,--this is a Delaware goose do you have a Delaware license..  The guy showed him his Delaware license.  Again, the warden pickup a goose and again stuck his finger up its butt--this is a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia license.  Again, the guy showed him his Virginia license.   The warden then asked the guy-where are you from?   The guy dropped his pants and said, let's see if you can tell me.

 

 

An old farmer needed some money, so he decided to sell his best hunting dog.  A guy shows up to by the dog but wanted to know how good the dog really was.  So the farmer told the dog to go into to left woods and see how many rabbits are in there.   The dog comes back and taps the ground 6 times with his paw.   The farmer said that means there are 6 rabbits in those woods.  The guy says, oh sure, that dog could have tapped any number.  So the farmer sent the dog into the right woods, it returned and tapped the ground 8 times.   The farmer says, that means there are 8 rabbits in those woods.   Again, the guy was not accepting it.   So the farmer sent the dog into the field.  The dog returned with a stick in his mouth and started humping the guys leg.  The guy asked what does that mean.  The farmer replied--that means there are more !@#$ing rabbits in that field than you can shake a stick at.

[tony@CIC 21,971]

Here is a piece of Greek history regarding the Olympic games..

..

200+ years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee 

(pronounced get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.

 

This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed 

naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter. At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"Oh! Limp pr**ks!". Over the next two centuries that expression morphed into the word Olympics

 

So now you know 

[tony@CIC 21,971]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

 

 1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

 

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

1st woman: I froze to death.

 

2nd woman: How horrible!

 

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

 

2nd woman: I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

 

1st woman: So, what happened?

 

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

 

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive.

[tony@CIC 21,971]

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. 
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! 
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. 
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. 
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: 

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, Have a Strong Romantic Streak and a Good Sense of Humor. 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

[Kenny B 32,330]

Since these are days leading up to St. Patrick's Day, I thought some Irish humor is needed...

 

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.  He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.  I'll give $1000 Amrerican dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

 

The room went quiet and no one took up the Texan's offer.  One man even leaves the pub.

 

Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.  “Is your bet still good?”

 

The Texan says Yes, and asks the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.  Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The Texan gives the Irishman the $1000 and says, “If ya don't mind me askin'. where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

 

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.”

[TheWahoo 3,507]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

 

One less drunk.

[Kenny B 32,330]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

 

One less drunk.

OK, my wife is Irish (although her father said that her mother's side of the family were nothing but a bunch of Welsh horse thieves)

 

My wife sent me this today.

 

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IRISH…

• There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.
• You're strangely poetic after a drink or two. Let's not forget the limericks.
• You think you sing very well.
• You may not know the words, but you WILL sing.
• You swear very well.
• You are genetically unable to keep a secret.
• You have no idea how to make a long story short.
• You are punched for no good reason—a lot. (brothers)
• Some of those punches are legacies from previous generations.
• At least one of your relatives is a cop, firefighter, bar owner, funeral home owner, priest or nun, or is a politician.
• You will never play pro basketball.
• You spent a good deal of your childhood on your knees in prayer.
• Many of your childhood meals were boiled.
• You will have aunts, sisters or cousins named Mary, Jean, Helen, Josephine, or Colleen. Some of them are named Mary Jean, Barbara Jean, Martha Jean or Josephine Helen after they finished Confirmation. (Wife's family names)
• If you don't know Murph, you know Mac. If you don't know Mac, you know Sully. Maybe you know Sully MacMurphy.
• You have Irish Alzheimer's—you only remember the grudges but you don't really care after 50 years of age.
• We believe in ghosts, good luck, bad luck and curses. We know where our Rosaries are. We've had salt thrown on us, Holy Water sprinkled on us and been spit on to ward off demons. And we talk to the dead like they Are Sitting Right Next To Us. We may be considered slightly superstitious.

[TheWahoo 3,507]

While I cannot confirm, this was reported to me as a true story:

 

A farmer in order to get some additional funds, rented a corner of his property to a billboard company.   The corner rented was right next to the driveway to a mental health facility.   The facility requested that the billboard be removed or changed.   It seems that the company using the billboard was a coffee company-Chock full a nuts.

[Kenny B 32,330]

St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow... so more Irish humor!!

 

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London.  After a while, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.”

 

The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am.”

 

The first one says, “So am I!  And where about from Ireland might you be?”

 

The other bloke answers, “I'm from Dublin, I am.”

 

The first one responds, “So am I!”

 

“Mother Mary and begora.  And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

 

The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was.  I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

 

The first one says, “Faith and it's a small world.  So did I!  So did I!”

 

“And to what school would you have been going?”

 

The other bloke answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.”

 

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I.  Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

 

The other bloke answers, “Well now, let's see.  I graduated in 1964.”

 

The first one exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us…  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight.  Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self.”

 

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.  Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, “It's going to be a long night tonight.”

 

Vicky asks, “Why do you say that, Brian.”

 

“The Murphy twins are drunk again!!!”

[excourse 741]

An Irishman walked out of a bar...

 

Sent from my SM-N950U using MyGolfSpy mobile app

[Kenny B 32,330]

An Irishman walked out of a bar...

 

Sent from my SM-N950U using MyGolfSpy mobile app

HEY!!  It could happen!

[Kor.A.Door 5,843]

An Irishman walked out of a bar...

 

Sent from my SM-N950U using MyGolfSpy mobile app

I'm pretty sure he crawled

[Jmikecpa 13,427]

I'm pretty sure he crawled

I walked out of four of them today. The fifth and sixth maybe saying walking in quotes.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

[DawgDaddy 3,178]

So there was this farmer from Northern Italy, he owned a cow
He loved the cow, the cow had been with his family for many years
Providing him with milk, cheese & butter
Then one sad day, the cow died 

The farmer was very sad
A number of weeks went by
It became apparent they needed a new cow
After much searching in the area, they could not find an adequate cow replacement
After more searching, they eventually found the perfect cow
The cow was in Sicily
So…..they paid all the money and had the cow moved to Northern Italy
At first things went well
But…..after a time, the decided to breed the cow
They took the cow to breed with a bull
But the cow refused to breed with the bull
They had no idea why
They left the cow with the bull for a couple of weeks….but nothing
So….the farmer went to see a top vet
The farmer described the symptoms to the vet
If the bull tried to mount the cow….the cow would move right….or left….or forward or back…..anything to escaped the bull………
The bull would eventually get frustrated, stop trying…and then go to sleep
The farmer asked the vet….what could the problem be
The vet, at first, looked perplexed……scratched his head…..
Then the vet looked at the farmer and asked a question, â€œCould this cow be from Sicily?"
The farmer was astounded……he answered yes….then asked what that could possibly have to do with the current dilemma…….
The vet got a far away look in his eye…..thought about it….and then said…..”well….actually…..my wife is from Sicily………….."

[adog 22]

So Bob's playing with his buddies that he's played with for every weekend for like 25 years. Bob never misses a round. These are your typical, fun loving, always giving each other s***, group of guys... So they are on the 9th green that runs along the road leading to the course, having a good time when a funeral procession drives by. Bob takes his hat off and bows his head as the whole procession goes by. The other guys are taken back by Bobs reverence, seeing how they've never seen this side of him so they take their hats off and bow there heads in accord. After the hearse rounds the corner out of sight, Bob puts his hat back on and goes back to lining up his putt. One of the guys cant help but comment, "wow Bob that was incredibly thoughtful and sensitive of you to show your respects like that!" Bob replies, "well it was the least i could do, I was married to her for 35 years".

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[tony@CIC 21,971]

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. 
 
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

[ddryan 1,213]

 

OK, my wife is Irish (although her father said that her mother's side of the family were nothing but a bunch of Welsh horse thieves)

 

My wife sent me this today.

 

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE IRISH…

• There wasn't a huge difference between your last wake and your last keg party.
• You're strangely poetic after a drink or two. Let's not forget the limericks.
• You think you sing very well.
• You may not know the words, but you WILL sing.
• You swear very well.
• You are genetically unable to keep a secret.
• You have no idea how to make a long story short.
• You are punched for no good reason—a lot. (brothers)
• Some of those punches are legacies from previous generations.
• At least one of your relatives is a cop, firefighter, bar owner, funeral home owner, priest or nun, or is a politician.
• You will never play pro basketball.
• You spent a good deal of your childhood on your knees in prayer.
• Many of your childhood meals were boiled.
• You will have aunts, sisters or cousins named Mary, Jean, Helen, Josephine, or Colleen. Some of them are named Mary Jean, Barbara Jean, Martha Jean or Josephine Helen after they finished Confirmation. (Wife's family names)
• If you don't know Murph, you know Mac. If you don't know Mac, you know Sully. Maybe you know Sully MacMurphy.
• You have Irish Alzheimer's—you only remember the grudges but you don't really care after 50 years of age.
• We believe in ghosts, good luck, bad luck and curses. We know where our Rosaries are. We've had salt thrown on us, Holy Water sprinkled on us and been spit on to ward off demons. And we talk to the dead like they Are Sitting Right Next To Us. We may be considered slightly superstitious.

 

 

YUP! - Brother's name Christopher Aloysius, cousins named Maureen, Kathleen and Ellen.