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DarthGolfer

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Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis and was driving down the road with it still in her hand.   So she threw it out of the car window.  It just so happened that two good ole boys in a pick-up truck were following her and it hit their windshield.   The driver turns to his buddy and asks:  "Bubba, did ya see the pecker on that bug". 

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4 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


 

I hope none of these come from our friend

@bergtaur 😄😉😜

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This lawyer stuff, again, reminds me of the story regarding the man that was duck hunting.  When he shot a duck, it landed in a fenced field.  When he was starting to climb the fence, and old farmer appeared and asked what do ya think ya doing.  The man replied, I'm going to get my duck.  The old farmer said, that duck is in my field so its my duck.   The man retorted, don't you know who I am, what I am, I am one of the highest paid lawyers in the city.   The farmer advised, I don't care, here we use "country justice".  The lawyer asked, what the heck is country justice.  The farmer explained, well, I hit you, then you hit me, the one that gives up first loses.   The lawyer looked at the old farmer and figured that he could take him, so he said OK go ahead hit me.   Well the farmer hit the lawyer as hard as he could square in the nads.  Well the lawyer went to the ground in pain, but was able to get up and said, now its my turn.  To which the old farmer replied--oh, I give up go get ya duck.  

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12 minutes ago, Golfspy_CG2 said:

Tony's court exchange joke reminded me of this one.  It's a classic among golf shop employees.  WARNING..very Not Safe for Work Language in parts.

And yes we actually get some of these requests!

 

Darn that was funny!!!!!   Reminds me of the guy that figured he had an emergency but couldn't dial 9-1-1 because he couldn't find the eleven on his telephone.    

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2 minutes ago, TheWahoo said:

Darn that was funny!!!!!   Reminds me of the guy that figured he had an emergency but couldn't dial 9-1-1 because he couldn't find the eleven on his telephone.    

And that reminds me of a real story as well. We were implementing a CRM program across the sales force. One particular old timer was having a problem and was advised to hit F11. His response was I can see the F but can't find the 11. 

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17 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

And that reminds me of a real story as well. We were implementing a CRM program across the sales force. One particular old timer was having a problem and was advised to hit F11. His response was I can see the F but can't find the 11. 

You can't imagine how much I appreciate hearing that story.    I, likewise, am an old timer, an old coot, and a computer illiterate as well.  Your post let's me know it could be worse because I am not that illiterate.   Its good to know that I am only a partial idiot, not a total idiot.  

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1 hour ago, Golfspy_CG2 said:

Tony's court exchange joke reminded me of this one.  It's a classic among golf shop employees.  WARNING..very Not Safe for Work Language in parts.

And yes we actually get some of these requests!

Not sure exactly why, but the question about bringing your own rake kills me every time.

 

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47 minutes ago, Angry Yeti said:

Not sure exactly why, but the question about bringing your own rake kills me every time.

 

you're not the only one, I think it's the follow up...."What kind of course do you normally play that you have to bring your own rake" that makes it 🤣

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2 minutes ago, Golfspy_CG2 said:

you're not the only one, I think it's the follow up...."What kind of course do you normally play that you have to bring your own rake" that makes it 🤣

What time do your 4 o'clock rates start?  Asking for a friend.

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And that reminds me of a real story as well. We were implementing a CRM program across the sales force. One particular old timer was having a problem and was advised to hit F11. His response was I can see the F but can't find the 11. 

 

There's an episode of The Simpsons where Homer is in front of a PC .. he reads the instruction on-screen: "Press any key to continue."

 

He calls out to Marge: "Marge .. Help! .. I can't find the 'Any' key!!”

 

...... D'OH!!

 

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1 hour ago, TheWahoo said:

You can't imagine how much I appreciate hearing that story.    I, likewise, am an old timer, an old coot, and a computer illiterate as well.  Your post let's me know it could be worse because I am not that illiterate.   Its good to know that I am only a partial idiot, not a total idiot.  

I'll have to paraphrase as  I don't recall exactly how he spelled  it to them, but a friend who was in IT said they would be tempted and may or may not have used on some really unreasonable people, telling them they needed to reboot the ID-I-OT button...I'll admit when he told me that, I had to think for 1/2 a second...hope he wasn't including me in that bunch...ha

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:titelist-small: TSi1 20 and 23 degree hybrids Aldila Ascent Shafts R

:titelist-small: T300 5-P Tensei  R flex shaft 1/4 long 

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8 hours ago, TheWahoo said:

You can't imagine how much I appreciate hearing that story.    I, likewise, am an old timer, an old coot, and a computer illiterate as well.  Your post let's me know it could be worse because I am not that illiterate.   Its good to know that I am only a partial idiot, not a total idiot.  

"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  😀

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We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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10 hours ago, Kenny B said:

"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  😀

LOL!!   Actually, I have often been asked "how do you handle being such an idiot?"    I tell them--I don't handle it, I rather enjoy it.   Its similar to the often used reply about being called ugly---"My face I don't mind it, because I am behind it, its the ones in the front that I jar."

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"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  [emoji3]
Man I gotta brush up on my "Caddyshack" lines ... Kenny always has the right one ready to go!
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WITB of an "aspiring"  😉 play-ah ...
..Callaway Epic Speed 4W and Epic Max 7W (both Project X Cypher)
..Callaway Big Bertha 4H and 5H (both Recoil ZTR)
..PXG 0211 6i-GW (Mitsubishi MMT) 
..Cleveland CBX-2 54 and CBX 60 (both Rotex graphite)
...Edel EAS 4.0 (stock shaft, zero offset hosel, round grip)
..all in a Datrek bag on an MGI Zip Navigator electric cart.

Forum Member tester for the ExPutt Putting Simulator (2020)

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15 hours ago, cksurfdude said:
On 11/14/2018 at 8:01 PM, Kenny B said:
"People don't say that about you... as far as you know."  emoji3.png

Man I gotta brush up on my "Caddyshack" lines ... Kenny always has the right one ready to go!

Easy to do when you've watched Caddyshack as much as Martha and I have.  

We live for stupid movies.

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We don’t stop playing the game because we get old; we get old because we stop playing the game.”

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A blond is driving down the road. She sees another blond out in a field in a row boat. So she pulls over and yells to the one in the Boat. " You give the rest of us blonds a bad name, and If i could swim I'd swim out there and kick your A$$"... 

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