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DarthGolfer

Whats your best joke?

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The Lions are leading the Packers 23-20 with 23 seconds left.... :blink:

And that turned-out to be a cruel, cruel joke.

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A husband and wife both love to golf, but are not playing very well and decide to take private lessons with the local pro.

 

The husband goes to his lesson first and takes a swing.  The pro watches and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way to hard!"

 

The man asks  "What can I do?"

 

The pro replies "Hold the club gently, like you would your wife's breast"

 

The mans hits another one and BOOM, it flies 250yds right down the middle.

 

The man then goes back to his wife and talks about how great the lesson was and how well he's hitting the ball now.  The wife can't wait for her lesson and goes the next day.

 

She takes a swing in front of the pro and he says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way to hard!"

 

"What can I do?" the wife asks.

 

"Hold the club gently" he replied "Just like you would your husbands penis"

 

She lines up and takes another shot.  THUMP, right down the middle....15 feet.

 

The pro yells at her "Take that club out of your mouth and hit it like you're supposed to!"

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This is Doug's joke, but it works every time with the new cart girls.

 

Doug:

 

"Oh, did you hear about the actress that was stabbed last night?"

 

Cart girl:

 

"OMG, no!  Who?"

 

Doug:

 

"It was Reese, um, um, Reese, um..."

 

Cart girl:

 

"Witherspoon?"

 

Doug:

 

"Actually, no.  With a knife."

 

Drum roll

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist, and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast 
and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when
I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." 

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me Mr., as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
 

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A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little %$^& on your lap."

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Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.

Ray and John UGA, fans were sitting in the stands watching the game, when The bulldog reached back and licked his privates. Ray said, "Man, I'd like to be able to do that". John looked at him and "ThAt dog would biiiiite you!!"

 

Apologies to Dawg Daddy and Ole Gray.

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis”. The wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

 

I work in IT so this was pretty funny when I heard it!

 

MDGolfHacker

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One day Moses and Jesus were fishing, catching a ton of fish but they were getting a little bored.

Moses says to Jesus "Wanna make a bet?" Since Jesus is always down for a bet, he couldn't refuse.

Moses says, "Its been five thousand years since my last miracle but I bet you I can still pull it off."

So he walks to the front of the boat and spreads his arms.. just like the olden days, the ocean parts and the boat is high and dry between giant walls of water. "Yeah, five thousand years and I still got it!" Moses then lowers his arms and the water comes rushing back.

Jesus then says"Its only been two thousand years since my last miracle, but watch this!"

Jesus then begins to attempt walking on the water. He takes one foot and steps on the water, then he takes a second step and sinks straight to the bottom of the ocean.

He swims up and gets in the boat "Ok, two thousand years.. maybe i'm a little rusty, let me try it again."

He then proceeds to take one step onto the ocean surface then another step and once again starts to sink straight to the bottom of the ocean..

He swims back up, gets in the boat and says... "I figured out why I'm sinking; last time I did this... I didnt have holes in my feet!"

 

MDGolfHacker

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Ray and John UGA, fans were sitting in the stands watching the game, when The bulldog reached back and licked his privates. Ray said, "Man, I'd like to be able to do that". John looked at him and "ThAt dog would biiiiite you!!"

 

Apologies to Dawg Daddy and Ole Gray.

No apologies needed, that is a Lewis Grizzard classic.  If you don't know who he is look him up, he was a Damn Good Dawg!

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No apologies needed, that is a Lewis Grizzard classic. If you don't know who he is look him up, he was a Damn Good Dawg!

Yep. That's who it was. The name was escaping me. One of my favorites.

 

Sent from my LG-D850 using MyGolfSpy mobile app

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look
man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could
scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day
as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years".

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A man has a really bad day on the golf course and was mad as a hornet.   When he got home the wife asked--how did you play today.  Where upon he slaps her.   She said why did you do that, he replied-I have been hitting everything fat and ugly today, why stop now.

 

A man playing with his wife was teeing off and didn't see his wife up ahead on the ladies tee.   Hitting his drive, the ball caught his wife in the temple and unfortunately killed her.   The next day the coroner called saying there was a problem.  The man said it thought it was determined that the cause of death was blunt force trauma.  The coroner said yes, but then we found a Titleist up her butt.   To which the man replied, that must have been my mulligan.

 

Needless to say, the wife didn't see the same humor in these jokes as I. 

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Super Bowl 2017 Tickets

 

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

 

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, on 23rd street in Nashville TN, at 3 pm. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", blonde hair, nice smile, and makes $130,000 a year!

 

PS -- She will be the one in the white dress.

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Seeing some new members from Texas, I am reminded of the following story:

 

A Texan passed away and St. Peter was giving him a tour of heaven.   In downtown heaven the streets were paved with gold and Peter asked what do you think of them.   The Texan replied, they're really nice but we had better streets in Texas.   Peter took him in to one of heaven's neighborhoods where there was one mansion after another.  Peter said what do you think of them.   The Texan replied, they are really nice homes, but we had better ones in Texas.  Long story short, no matter what Peter showed the Texan he claimed it was better in Texas.   So finally,  Peter took him to the very edge of heaven and told him to look over the edge.  Well the Texan saw the flames of hell just a lapping.  So Peter says what do you think of that.   The Texan replied, I don't know, but we got a guy named Red that will put that darn fire out for ya.

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