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Whats your best joke?

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A stranger was seated next to Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."  Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***?"

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A couple of Canadian buds came to the US on a snowbird golf trip.   Unfortunately, one of them took ill and had to be admitted into a hospital.   Upon leaving  his room after treating him, a nurse reported to a fellow nurse.   That Canadian patient has Swan tattooed on his pecker.   Well, the other nurse couldn't resist going in to see.  A while later, she comes out and says:  That tattoo doesn't say Swan, it says Saskatchewan.  

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A couple of Canadian buds came to the US on a snowbird golf trip.   Unfortunately, one of them took ill and had to be admitted into a hospital.   Upon leaving  his room after treating him, a nurse reported to a fellow nurse.   That Canadian patient has Swan tattooed on his pecker.   Well, the other nurse couldn't resist going in to see.  A while later, she comes out and says:  That tattoo doesn't say Swan, it says Saskatchewan.  
Ha, good one. Heard it slightly differently s ways back....
"Guy says he has a tattoo on his thing reads 'OK' - but when he gets excited it's 'O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A'!"
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On ‎12‎/‎16‎/‎2018 at 9:04 PM, tony@CIC said:


And yet another husband on his way to the hospital. emoji23.png


Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

Wonder if this one got hit with his own 9 iron, too?

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Hmm, that's not the best advertisement for any Blonde's mental acuity.
The only thing I can say in other blondes defense is that this one does not appear to be a natural blonde........
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8 minutes ago, cksurfdude said:

The only thing I can say in other blondes defense is that this one does not appear to be a natural blonde........

Aren't the colored ones generally more idiotic?

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Aren't the colored ones generally more idiotic?
Ha, was going to say something along those lines but deleted it. I'll insert instead: I tease my wife .. yes a brunette .. when she gets her hair done and sometimes gets highlights - "be careful, honey, don't want you to lose any brain cells"...
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3 hours ago, cksurfdude said:

The only thing I can say in other blondes defense is that this one does not appear to be a natural blonde........

Are there any??

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4 hours ago, cksurfdude said:
5 hours ago, GB13 said:
Aren't the colored ones generally more idiotic?

Ha, was going to say something along those lines but deleted it. I'll insert instead: I tease my wife .. yes a brunette .. when she gets her hair done and sometimes gets highlights - "be careful, honey, don't want you to lose any brain cells"...

I told my wife that she was coloring her hair to match her personality......three weeks later when I woke from the coma it was still funny.

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ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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Please forgive me if you've heard this one.

Patrick McDuff goes into a bar in New York City and orders 3 pints of Guinness.  The barman, Joe, thinks its a little odd, but Pat has the cash, so he serves Pat his 3 pints.  This becomes a regular occurrence, so Joe starts to chat with Pat from time to time.  He learns that Pat is recently arrived from Ireland.  Jobs are tight back home, so he's come to America to make his fortune.  His older brother Liam has stayed back home, and has taken over their father's butcher shop, while younger brother Seamus has gone to Australia, where an uncle has promised him some work.  The brothers are very close, and knew they'd miss each other's company, so they all promised that whenever they had a drink, they'd have one for each of the brothers too.  That's why Pat always orders 3 pints at a time.

This goes on for a few months.  Pat is a good fellow, well liked by the other regulars.  A day comes, though when Pat comes in with a kind of sad look  on his face, and asks for just TWO pints.  Right away, Joe imagines the worst, either Seamus or Liam must have passed away.  Joe takes the two pints to Pat, and says "I'm very sorry for your loss, these are on me".  

Pat gives Joe an odd look, and replies "Well I thank you for the beers, but what loss are you talking about?"

"You're only having the two beers, something must have happened to one of your brothers" says Joe.

Pat gives a grin, and says" Oh, don't worry, they're both just fine.  Its just me, I've been to see the Doctor, he told me I have to stop drinking".

 

Edited by DaveP043
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This one has been making the rounds today on IG and Twitter.  I thought it was fricking hilarious and sounds like one Wahoo would have come up with.

 

DvY8295W0AEdw83.jpg

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It does remind me of the one about the guy that told his buds that he would not be able to play in their normal Saturday morning foursome because his wife demanded that he stay home.   While he was a bit later than usual, he did show up to play.  His buds asked why are you here, we thought that you wife wanted you home.   He replied " well ya see it is our anniversary.   The wife and I got up had some breakfast and then the wife said- tie me to the bed and then do whatever you want.  So here I am.  

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Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

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For those of you who need an excuse for drinking too much last night: 

 

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning


~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L.. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" 
George Bernard Shaw

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." 
Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group -Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher


~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
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A German Shepard, Doberman, and a cat have died.  All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.

The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."  "Good", says God, "then sit down on my right side."

"Doberman, what do you believe in?" asks God.  The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."  "Aha," says God, "You may sit to my left."

The God looks at the cat, and asks: "And what do you believe in?"  The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

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Husband's call to his wife…

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.  They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe.  Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."
Wife's response:  "Who the f*** is Paula?"

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On 12/27/2018 at 8:45 AM, tony@CIC said:

ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Permission to copy-n-paste this so I can share... LMFAO! Too funny!

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