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DarthGolfer

Whats your best joke?

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4 minutes ago, CarlH said:

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Mine looks more like this: 😁

 

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On 6/6/2019 at 12:13 AM, CarlH said:

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On 6/6/2019 at 12:18 AM, GB13 said:

Mine looks more like this: 😁

 

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I think you both are exaggerating... slightly. 😉

 

In my world this is common 🙄

 

divot.jpg.fe78833858b5239ea6b1f8c75a5b078f.jpg

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Meet Walter Barnes – 

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

  Description: Inline image 1

 Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, 

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.   

 

The Minister then repeated his question. 

All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

  
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

  
 

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. 

  
 

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

  
 

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

  
 

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit,

turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, 

  
 

"I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

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11 minutes ago, CarlH said:

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Boy... do you have me pegged!!

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FAT

Common definition:  n.  various soft or semi-solid organic compounds that occur in human and animal tissue.  adj.  horizontally-challenged.

Golfer's definition:  adj.  a swing that violently impacts the turf behind the ball, resulting in a deep, oversized divot, which travels as far as, if not farther than, the ball.    *After hitting a horizontally-challenged shot, a golfer may exclaim: "Oh, ffff---fat!!"

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Today, in Pearls Before Swine:

Strip

 I can't figure out how to get the graphic to appear directly. If someone could fix that I'd appreciate it!

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2 hours ago, Siamese Moose said:

Today, in Pearls Before Swine:

Strip

 I can't figure out how to get the graphic to appear directly. If someone could fix that I'd appreciate it!

Here you go!!  Nice!!!

Pearls Before Swine Comic Strip for July 18, 2019

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On 7/12/2018 at 5:33 AM, perseveringgolfer said:

also a true story with an ex who one night while walking her home in a beautiful orange sunset she asked "is the Sun orange now as it's cooling down at night?"

 

 

The relationship didnt last....it was fun while it did though ;)

True as well: A friend took a girl to Palm Springs. On the way they passed the wind turbines that generate power. She said, "They put fans to cool off the desert." 

That didn't last either. 

Another true one for Bill Engvall fans:

My wife and I were checking out at Walmart. The cashier rings up my frozen pizza and says that he has never eaten it and is frozen pizza any good. 

I replied, "I wouldn't know. I always cook it first. Here's your sign."

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Husband: Remember honey, 20 years ago when your Dad caught us in back of chevy?

Wife: Yes

Husband: He said "you better marry her or your going to jail"

Wife: Uh Huh

Husband: Looks at calendar, I would've been out tomorrow. 

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It’s a quiet suburban neighborhood. Mrs. Queenan is aware that her neighbor two doors down has been away for three days and can’t help but notice noise from inside and cars in their driveway.

That night she sees a steady flow of people and cars and says enough is enough.

She gathers up the courage after dinner and decides to take a walk over. She knocks on the door and after several attempts, the door slowly swings open.

Behind the door is a 12 year old boy wearing a robe, brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other. In the distance Mrs. Queenan sees two scantily clad women around a pool table in the back living room.

“Young man! Are your parents home?”

The child doesn’t miss a beat...”What do you think?” And he shuts the door.


Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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Does anybody remember the good old days before Twitter, Facebook and Instagram when we used to take a picture of our dinner, take the roll of film to get developed and go around our friends houses to show them?

 

No?

 

Me neither, now 'effing' stop it! 

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What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? 

Santa Stops after 3 hoes.

 

What does Tiger and baby seals have in common?

They both get beat by Nordics with clubs. (Sorry not trying to be insensitive).

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