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DarthGolfer

Whats your best joke?

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." 

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whisky

And a playboy magazine. 

I
'll just hide behind the door", the old preacher said to himself.

"When he comes home from school this afternoon, "I'll see which object he picks up. 

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. 

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eyes, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. 

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.

"Lord have mercy." the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress." 

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Q: What goes "clip-clop-clip-clop-bang-bang-clip-clop-clip-clop?

 

A: An Amish drive by shooting

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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Warning: slightly vulgar haha

 

A boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your d*ck touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

 

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your d*ck touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar."

 

A little while later, the little boy comes out of the house with a plate of cookies. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your d*ck touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah my d*ck can touch my ass!"

 

The boy then replied, "Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me."

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  1. THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

     

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

    The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

    The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'

    Man - 'That's nice.'

    Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

    Man - 'No, thanks.'

    Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

    Man - 'OK, how much?'

    Boy - '$250'

    A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together..

    Boy - 'Dark in here.'

    Man - 'Yes, it is.'

    Boy - 'I have sand wedge.

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

    Boy - '$750'

    Man - 'Sold.'

    A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'

    The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'

    Boy - '$1,000.'

    The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

     

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

    The priest says, 'Don't start that s*** with me again. You're in my closet now.'

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  1. A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

     

    ‘What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior . ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

     

    ‘It was,' sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

     

    ‘I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

     

    ‘Far from it,' snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

     

    ‘Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!'

     

    ‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green….and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

     

    ‘Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

     

    ‘No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

     

    ‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

     

    ‘But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

     

    ‘So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

     

    ‘Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the hole!'

     

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…

     

    ‘You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?' 

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Seeing some new members from Texas, I am reminded of the following story:

 

A Texan passed away and St. Peter was giving him a tour of heaven.   In downtown heaven the streets were paved with gold and Peter asked what do you think of them.   The Texan replied, they're really nice but we had better streets in Texas.   Peter took him in to one of heaven's neighborhoods where there was one mansion after another.  Peter said what do you think of them.   The Texan replied, they are really nice homes, but we had better ones in Texas.  Long story short, no matter what Peter showed the Texan he claimed it was better in Texas.   So finally,  Peter took him to the very edge of heaven and told him to look over the edge.  Well the Texan saw the flames of hell just a lapping.  So Peter says what do you think of that.   The Texan replied, I don't know, but we got a guy named Red that will put that darn fire out for ya.

This is not a joke, but I thought it was funny. The "Red" in the joke above is Red Adair, who became famous for putting out oil and gas well blowout fires. John Wayne played him in a movie. A part of the movie was being filmed in Baytown, Texas. I was working for the Baytown Sun at the time and went out to the film site. John Wayne was walking up to people and sticking his hand out and saying, "Hi, I'm John Wayne." As if there was anyone who didn't know who he was.

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A church was having a business meeting with its congregation. They were discussing the need for a new chandelier and the unexpectedly high price of $5,000.

 

After about 10 minutes, one old fellow raised his hand to speak.

 

"I've had enough of this... we can't afford $5,000 and besides that we don't have anyone who can play a chandelier and what we really needs is lights.

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An oldie but a goodie.

 

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

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An oldie but a goodie.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,

"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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A big city lawyer was duck hunting, shot a duck that landed in a fenced field.   When he started to climb the fence and old farmer approached and ask what was he doing, this is private property.   The lawyer said he was going to get his duck, when the farmer said that duck is on my property so its my duck.  The lawyer said that you don't know who I am and explained how important he was.   The farmer said in these parts we use country justice not your big city stuff.   The lawyer asked then what is country justice to which the farmer explained-I hit you, then you hit me, then I hit you and so on until someone quits and the quitter loses.   The lawyer looking at the old farmer knew that he could take him and agreed to country justice.   Where upon the old farmer kicked him in the nads.  When the lawyer finally recovered and got back on his feet, he said ok my turn, to which the farmer replied-never mind you win go get your duck.

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

 

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

 

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

 

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

 

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

 

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading..

 

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

 

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

 

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

 

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

 

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

 

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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My wife told me this one today...it was kinda funny.

 

Why can't beef stew be a password?

 

Because it's not stroganoff...

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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My wife told me this one today...it was kinda funny.

 

Why can't beef stew be a password?

 

Because it's not stroganoff...

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

 

...and there's too much at steak.

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Another oldie but goodie.

 

An Indian chief walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.   He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
 
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief.     Coming right up.” He gets the chief a tall mug of coffee.  
 
The chief drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning he returns.   He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.   He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
 
The waiter says, “Whoa, Chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.     What was all that about, anyway?”
 
The chief smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Congress.  
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
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Another oldie but goodie.

 

An Indian chief walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

 

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.” He gets the chief a tall mug of coffee.

 

The chief drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning he returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”

 

The waiter says, “Whoa, Chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

 

The chief smiles and proudly says, “Training for a position in United States Congress.

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”

Ha, good one! Heard a variation on that a long time ago:

 

Big shot D.C. Congressman visiting a ranch out in Indian country. Praises the fine looking horses, gets what he believes are approvals from the locals, which sounds to him like: "oom golla golla!"

 

Scenario repeats a few times, Congressman thinks he's doing great. They get to the bull pen, and he really lays it on this time: "Wow! What superb looking animals! Perfect specimens!"

 

Etc. Etc. "May I step in and have a closer look?"

 

Indian chief says, "Sure, Congressman - just don't step in the oom galla galla."

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A three putt is like masturbating. You feel bad after you do it but you know you'll do it again.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

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A three putt is like masturbating. You feel bad after you do it but you know you'll do it again.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

This. Is. Great! I've never heard this one before haha.

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