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DarthGolfer

Whats your best joke?

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A three putt is like masturbating. You feel bad after you do it but you know you'll do it again.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

Personally I feel relieved with one and frustrated with the other. I'll let you figure out which is which

 

Sent from my E6853 using MyGolfSpy mobile app

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The Indian chief story reminded me of when the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding beside the railroad tracks.   Tonto gets off his horse and puts an ear on the tracks.   He looks at the Ranger as says "Buffalo come".   The Ranger asks can you hear them.   Tonto replies, no ear sticky.

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 

The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"

 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

HAH!!!!!!

(forwarded it to my wife .. yes: she got a chuckle out of it!)

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Little girl all done up looking like a firefighter (yellow rain jacket, boots, firefighter hat) going around with a red wagon that has little ladders attached to the side and a garden hose wound up in it being pulled by a cat and a dog. The rope is tied to the dogs leash and around the cats testicles.

 

She goes walking by the firehall with this set up and the fire crew are out cleaning trucks, etc. The chief stops her and says "my that's a nice outfit you have"

 

"Thank you mister, thank you"

 

"And that's quite the set up you have as well"

 

"Thank you mister, thank you"

 

"But don't you think it would be better if the rope was tied around the cats collar?"

 

"But mister, then I wouldn't have a siren!"

 

Sent from my E6853 using MyGolfSpy mobile app

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John's teacher asked how his weekend was. "Bad, car hit my dog in the ass," he said. She said,"Rectum." "Wrecked him?Damn near killed him!"

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An old farmer needed some money so he decided to sell his best hunting dog.   A guy wanting to buy the dog showed up and asked how good is this dog.   The farmer told the dog to go into the left woods and see how many rabbits are there.   The dog runs into the woods, comes back and hits the ground five times with his paw.   The farmer said that means there are five rabbits in those woods.   The buyer says, heck that dog could have pounded any number of times.   The farmer then told the dog to go to the right woods and count the rabbits.  The dog returns and pounds eight times with his paw.  The farmer said that means there are eight rabbits.   Again, the buyer questioned the dogs count.   The farmer than told the dog to go into the field and count the rabbits.   The dog returned with a stick in his mouth and started humping the buyers leg.  The buyer asked what does that means.   The farmer replied-there are more f@#$ing rabbits in that field then you can shake a stick at.

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An old farmer needed some money so he decided to sell his best hunting dog. A guy wanting to buy the dog showed up and asked how good is this dog. The farmer told the dog to go into the left woods and see how many rabbits are there. The dog runs into the woods, comes back and hits the ground five times with his paw. The farmer said that means there are five rabbits in those woods. The buyer says, heck that dog could have pounded any number of times. The farmer then told the dog to go to the right woods and count the rabbits. The dog returns and pounds eight times with his paw. The farmer said that means there are eight rabbits. Again, the buyer questioned the dogs count. The farmer than told the dog to go into the field and count the rabbits. The dog returned with a stick in his mouth and started humping the buyers leg. The buyer asked what does that means. The farmer replied-there are more f@#$ing rabbits in that field then you can shake a stick at.

And a southern boy knows this joke

 

 

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A man goes into a bar and it appears that he is the only customer.   The bartender was also the owner and told him that business is so bad that he will need to close down.   So the guy says to the bartender, if I can make this a profitable enterprise, will you give me a half interest.  Figuring that he was going to close anyway, the bartender agreed and the papers were signed.   The next night, the man puts a really small piano on the bar and places a little 12 inch man behind it.  Well this little man could play the piano like nobody's business and word got around about him.   Soon the bar was continuously packed and they were making major money.  Eventually, the bartender asked-where did you find this little man.  The guy replied- I was a Navy pilot and I was shot down over China Beach.   Well, I was walking along and found this lamp.   While I was cleaning it, this genie appeared and granted me one wish.   Well, the genie had a hearing problem and I ended up with this 12 inch pianist. 

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I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim" I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

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A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

  

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place. 

 

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie -- we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie. 

 

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids. 

 

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

 

He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:  "How many children do you have?

 

He answered: "Twelve."

 

The agent asked "Where are the others?"

 

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered  "They're in the cemetery with their mother."

 

MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words. and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers. 

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A Reverend skips church to play golf. He comes to a par 4. Hits his ball wide right.

 

An eagle comes down, picks up his ball and drops it in the water. A fish spits the ball forward. A squirrel grabs the ball and drops it as he crosses the green on the way to his tree. A gust of wind blows the ball near the hole to the edge of the cup. Just then, a bolt of lightning shakes the earth and sky and the ball goes in for a hole in one.

 

Watching all this transpire, Jesus looks at God and says "How could you let that happen??? He skipped church!" God replies "Who's he gonna tell?"

 

 

Sent by carrier pigeon using MyGolfSpy

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Golf is a game in which you yell "fore"... shoot six... and write down five. ~ Paul Harvey

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Joe's on his deathbed, down to his last breath. He looks towards his wife and says;

Alice, I need you to do something for me after Im gone.

Alice, teary eyed smiles at him and say;

Of course Joe, anything you want.

I need you to marry Dave 6 months after I m gone, says Joe.

Alice tooks at joe and says;

But I thought you hated Dave with a passion?

Joe smiles, and says;

I do.

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If you know the source of this joke, we can be good friends:

 

 

 

My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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Smart a$$ caddie:

 

 

When reading a putt

 

 

Q: Which way does it break?

A: The way you're putting, it really doesn't matter

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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Stephen Wright?

Ha! I like his humor. Don't know if he did any golf jokes but had witty lines like...

"Was taking a nap at my desk at my office and had a day-mare."

Or...

"Was sitting around the other evening trying to think of another word for 'thesaurus'."

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