Whats your best joke?

[Jmikecpa 13,444]

My wife hates this one...

 

A foursome watched, intrigued, as a lone player played up short of the green they were on. As they teed off on the next they noticed him quickly chip on and putt out, before running up to their tee.

 

Sensing their bewilderment, he said, “Sorry, do you mind if I play through â€“ I've just heard that my wife has had a terrible accident and may not make it!”

[DawgDaddy 3,202]

Here's another classic.

 

A sixteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00." 
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his secretary.

Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

 

 

[DawgDaddy 3,202]

This is my kind of joke.  Subtle but funny. 

 

 

Epstein was a renowned physician who 

earned his undergraduate, graduate, and 

medical degrees in his small Midwestern 

home town, and then left for Manhattan, 

where he quickly rose to the top of his field. 

 

Some years later, he was invited to deliver 

a significant paper at a conference that was 

coincidentally being held in his home town. 

 

He walked on stage and placed his papers 

on the lectern, but they slid off onto the 

floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at 

precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently 

farted. The microphone amplified his mistake 

through the room, and it reverberated down 

the hall. 

 

Epstein was quite embarrassed, but somehow 

regained his composure enough to deliver his 

paper. He ignored the applause that followed, 

and raced out the stage door, never to be seen 

in his home town again. 

 

When he returned decades later to visit his 

elderly mother, who was ill, he reserved a 

hotel room under the name of Levy, and 

arrived under cover of darkness. The desk 

clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to 

our city, Mr. Levy?"

 

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, 

it isn't. I grew up here and received my 

education here, but then I moved away." 

 

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk. 

 

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, 

but an embarrassing thing happened, and I've 

been too ashamed to return since then." 

 

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't 

have your life experience, one thing I've 

learned is that often what seems embarrassing 

to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet 

that's true of your incident, too." 

 

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I wish that were 

the case with me, but I truly doubt it." 

 

"Was it a long time ago?" 

 

"Yes.... Many years ago." 

 

The clerk then asked, "Was it before or after 

the Epstein Fart?" 

[Headhammer 3,157]

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A  very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?” “I'm okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later.”  I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That's mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don't think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed. After a couple glasses of Scotch I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now.”

“Don't be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. ….”Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?” I replied, ………”Still under the cart, I guess.”

[DawgDaddy 3,202]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"

 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

 

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

 

"The usual?" Asks the waitress.

 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

 

"Same," says the ostrich.

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 

"That's right…whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt, long legs and who agrees with everything I say…"

[TheWahoo 3,507]

Unfortunately, a elderly woman lost her husband and couldn't imagine living without him.   So think that she wanted to join him, she called her doctor and asked--where exactly is my heart.   The doctor replied that it is under your left breast.   Well, it seems she ended up in the ER with a gun shot in her leg.

[tony@CIC 22,006]

 

 

A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this

absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big

open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that ?

 

"Oh", replies the husband casually, "She's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I'm finished with you, I want a divorce!"

 

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get divorced it will

mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers

in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club.

But, the decision is yours, my dear."

 

Just then, George, one of the husband's male friends, enters the restaurant with a gorgeous

blonde babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with George ?" demands the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier", she replies

 

 

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[TheWahoo 3,507]

An elderly couple were lying in bed one morning on their 60th wedding anniversary.   The wife says, you know 60 years ago we would not just be lying in this bed.   The husband agreed and to the best of their current abilities they tried to duplicate their wedding night.  Like they would have 60 years ago, they didn't bother to get dressed going into the kitchen for some breakfast.  Over the breakfast table, the wife says, you know I can feel that my breasts are just as warm for you now as they were 60 years ago.  The husband replied--of course they are the left one is in your coffee and the right one is in your oatmeal.

[Kenny B 32,548]

Unfortunately, a elderly woman lost her husband and couldn't imagine living without him.   So think that she wanted to join him, she called her doctor and asked--where exactly is my heart.   The doctor replied that it is under your left breast.   Well, it seems she ended up in the ER with a gun shot in her leg.

 

An elderly couple were lying in bed one morning on their 60th wedding anniversary.   The wife says, you know 60 years ago we would not just be lying in this bed.   The husband agreed and to the best of their current abilities they tried to duplicate their wedding night.  Like they would have 60 years ago, they didn't bother to get dressed going into the kitchen for some breakfast.  Over the breakfast table, the wife says, you know I can feel that my breasts are just as warm for you now as they were 60 years ago.  The husband replied--of course they are the left one is in your coffee and the right one is in your oatmeal.

You seem to have this thing about elderly women and sagging breasts.  Just sayin'   

[TheWahoo 3,507]

You seem to have this thing about elderly women and sagging breasts.  Just sayin'   

I am getting old.   Golf balls and breasts, sometimes gravity can make things difficult.  

[cksurfdude 10,492]

A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this

absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big

open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

 

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that ?

 

"Oh", replies the husband casually, "She's my mistress."

 

"Well, that's the last straw" says the wife. "I'm finished with you, I want a divorce!"

 

"I can understand that," replied her husband, "but remember, if we get divorced it will

mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers

in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club.

But, the decision is yours, my dear."

 

Just then, George, one of the husband's male friends, enters the restaurant with a gorgeous

blonde babe on his arm.

 

"Who's that woman with George ?" demands the wife.

 

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

 

"Ours is prettier", she replies

 

 

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Good one .. showed it to my wife and she got a good laugh out of it, too! (whew!)

[STUDque 12,366]

I've never gotten a hole in one, but I did hit a guy once.

 

 

 

 

That was way more satisfying.

 

 

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[tony@CIC 22,006]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married.

 

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

 

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

 

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

 

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays…………..but I golf on Fridays.

 

 

 

 

 

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[DawgDaddy 3,202]

 

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday

after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second

Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks

for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

 

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they

asked him what happened.

 

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

 

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

 

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[lou mcconaughey 172]

What do the shanks and masturbation have in common? You feel bad when you do it but you know you will do it again.

 

 

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[TheWahoo 3,507]

What do Viagra and Disney World have in common?

 

In both cases, one must wait an hour for a three minute ride.

[ddryan 1,213]

Heard this one at the course today- a few of us almost fell out of our chairs -

 

Wife, fed up by being left alone virtually every weekend to her husband's golf outings decides to take up the game.  after secretly practicing for several months, she says one saturday morning, "Gee hon, do you think I could play with you this morning? " after some discussion, he decides sure, why not.

 

The get to the course, and head to the first tee.  He tees up his ball, takes a mighty swing, shanks the ball, and it hits his wife in the temple, killing her instantly-  Oh my God, he exclaims, and calls 911...

 

The paramedics arrive and look the woman over, and return to the man to ask what happened.

 

He explains that he shanked the tee shot, and it struck her in the temple, and she fell over.

 

The paramedic says "but sir, that does not describe the scene fully- you see we found a golf ball wedged deeply in between the cheeks of her behind -  Can you explain that?"

 

 

 

 

He calmly replies "Oh, that was my mulligan..."

[Kenny B 32,548]

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida.  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

 

At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."

"OK."

Ten years later at age 40 they play.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."

"OK."

Ten years later at age 50 they play

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 60 they play

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price."

"OK"

At age 70 they play

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."

"OK."

At age 80 they play

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"We've never been there before."

[tony@CIC 22,006]

PETE AND LINDA FALL IN LOVE...

 

 

Pete and Linda met on a singles cruise and Pete fell head over heels for her....

 

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Pete was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

 

Within a couple of weeks, Pete had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Pete became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Pete took Linda to a fine restaurant.

 

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Pete said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

 

Linda paused, then responded, “Pete, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Pete said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

 

 

 

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[tommc23 12,870]

PETE AND LINDA FALL IN LOVE...

 

 

Pete and Linda met on a singles cruise and Pete fell head over heels for her....

 

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Pete was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

 

Within a couple of weeks, Pete had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Pete became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Pete took Linda to a fine restaurant.

 

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Pete said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

 

Linda paused, then responded, “Pete, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Pete said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

 

 

 

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Thats good

 

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