Whats your best joke?

[tony@CIC]

A frantic young blonde calls out a mayday.

"My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly."

She hears a voice over the radio saying,
"This is air traffic control and I hear you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.

Everything will be fine! What is your height and position?"

She replied, "I am 5'4 and I am in the front seat.

After a long pause, "Okay" says the voice on the radio.

"Now, repeat after me."

"Our Father who art in heaven….."

[tony@CIC]

A young boy went to his father, and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from all that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house, and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister, and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother, and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course!" the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered these answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"

The boy replied, "Yes! 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million bucks, but 'realistically' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."

[Big moose]

These two cannibals find this dead guy in the woods, so the one says great it's lunch time. He says I will start at the head and you start at the feet and we'll meet in the middle. After a while the one who started at the head asked his friend how is it going down there? His friend says I'm having a ball. The other cannibal says well slow down your eating too fast.

[tony@CIC]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

 

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[LinksgolfFever]

So, a blonde mistakenly sits in first class, the attendant tells her she needs to sit in coach, where her assigned seat is. 
she exclaims, “ I’m blonde, beautiful and I’m going to Paris!”

back and forth they go arguing, and after a few minutes another passenger flags the attendant down.

” If you’d like some help here sir, I think I can assist you.”

” How can you help”, the attendant is curious.

” My sisters blonde, I speak their language,” he replies.

“I'm not having any luck, give it a try”

The man walks over and sits next to her.  Greets her, then leans over and speaks softly in her ear.

not a moment later she jumps up and graciously thanks the man and she returns to coach.

The attendant is so surprised he asked the man “ what on earth did you tell her?”

”Oh, I just explained that First Class wasn’t going to Paris,….only coach!!”

[tony@CIC]

[tony@CIC]

[tony@CIC]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[Siamese Moose]

We would all be in a happier place right now if the forests in Canada were pot fields.

[DawgDaddy]

A man, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties. The man asked, “Do you have water?” The soldier replied, “There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead?

They are only £5.”

The man shouted, “You idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!” “OK,” said the soldier, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant’s Mess. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Cursing him, the man staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped: “They won’t let me in without a damn tie!”

[billpierce]

A golfer was having a terrible round - 20-over par for the front nine with loads of golf balls being lost in the water or rough. As he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, his caddie coughed, causing him to lose it.

"You've got to be the worst caddie in the world!" he yelled.

"I doubt it," replied the caddie, dead-pan. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

[tony@CIC]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
'It's a period,' he replied.
'I can see that,' said the teacher, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Darned if I know,' chirped the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!

[hkr4life1950]

Bob asks his wife if it's okay to play golf with Charlie on Saturday. His wife reluctantly agrees. Saturday comes and Bob goes to the course, promising his wife he will be home by early afternoon. The day goes by until the sun goes down and she is p.o.d. finally Bob pulls in the driveway and comes in to see his wife. She is livid! Dinner is ruined and her the day same. She yells at Bob for being so late when Bob cuts her off. He says " I'm sorry sweety I couldn't help it, Charlie had a heart attack on the 5th hole". The wife says " Oh no! That's terrible!! But why are you so late??"  Bob says "Honey you know how it is, you hit your ball and drag Charlie, you hit your ball and drag ...."

[rkj427]

[cksurfdude]

'nuff said

[tony@CIC]

Finally the age old question has been answered! 

 

[tony@CIC]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!

[tony@CIC]

On a bitterly cold winter's morning, a blonde and her husband in Chicago were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

[chisag]

A guy was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled on something. He bent down and picked it up and it was an Arabian lamp. He proceeded to wipe the sand off when a Genie appeared.

The Genie seemed to be angry and said “This is the third time that I’ve been disturbed this week, so you’re only going to get one wish instead of three, so you’d better make it a good one!” The man thought for a minute and said, “I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I get sea sick, and I’m afraid of flying, so I wish that you would build me a bridge so that I can drive over.”

The Genie exclaims “You’ve got to be out of your mind! Think about the logistics, all of the steel that would have to be sunk in the ocean and all of the asphalt! That’s too hard, think of something else.”

The guy thinks again and says, “You know, I’ve been married and divorced three times and each time, they say its because I don’t understand them. So I wish to be able to understand women, know what they’re thinking when they’re quiet…”

The Genie interrupts him saying “Stop right there! Did you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?”

[tony@CIC]

Three BFF's walk into a bar. A blond, a brunette, and a redhead. The brunette walks up to the bartender and asks for a "W-W".
"I'm sorry; I don't know what that is." "White wine! Duh!"
Next, the redhead walks up and asks the bartender for an "R-W".
"Let me guess; Red Wine?" "Duh!"
Finally, the blond walks up and asks for a "15".
"Okay, you really got me with that one."
"Seven and Seven! DUH!"