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Mr. 82

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http://woeckener.blogspot.com/2016/05/in-memory-of-gregory-david-woeckener.html

 

This may take on a very strange and depressing theme, but here goes.  Four years ago today I lost my only son to suicide.  You can read the above linked blog post if you like about it, as I reflected on it several years ago.

 

My point to posting this actually, was to ask you guys a question, or at least those of you who have lost loved ones.  The first couple of years after Gregory died we had lots of friends calling or texting and offering words of encouragement or support.  Last year it was kind of little to nothing, and this year, both the wife and I just looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders as if it was kind of just another day.  We had friends yesterday that asked us about it, but I kind of said we really don't know how to act or feel anymore.  As the time has passed the memory of this day of the year seems to have faded into history, and my feelings are more numbness and blah then anything else.

 

So the question out of all of this is, how do those of you who have lost someone you love that you really cared about tremendously, reflect on the day of their passing, and/or how do you remember the day of their passing, if at all?  Am I normal in not really feeling like even doing anything today, beyond just another day at work, or is it something else I should be or could be considering trying to mark this day every year?

 

Birthdays are one thing, but death days?

 

Your experiences and life stories would be appreciated.

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I am very sorry to hear that about your son. As a father of 3 boys I cant imagine the pain you have had to endure. For me personally I lost my mom in 2015 while on deployment to the horn of Africa. She had colon cancer and they found it during the routine colonoscopy screening. Problem was she didn't get it the screening when she was supposed to because she was afraid. When she finally got screened it was stage 3. I don't celebrate the day of her passing primarily because I don't want to think about it. I endure the pain of her loss every day. I feel like I never mourned the loss because I was halfway across the world at the time and it was a whirlwind getting back stateside for the funeral and to top it off I had to fly right back to a deployment broken. I think about her every day because I called her every day while I was inport and I kick myself because with a family of my own I didn't call much on deployment because of limited phone time i had to call my wife and kids. I see her everyday in the face of my youngest daughter age 4 because she looks just like my mom with her blonde curls and he spunk. I have never been the same honestly.

 

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I was halfway across the world at the time and it was a whirlwind getting back stateside for the funeral and to top it off I had to fly right back to a deployment broken.

This is one of the ways that people who have never served in the military don't understand the hardships that are forced on you as a service member.  You essentially are married to the military, and your family is always put on the shelf during your service/deployments.

 

So thank you for your service, and for your tremendous sacrifice.

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This is one of the ways that people who have never served in the military don't understand the hardships that are forced on you as a service member. You essentially are married to the military, and your family is always put on the shelf during your service/deployments.

 

So thank you for your service, and for your tremendous sacrifice.

No doubt it is the toughest part of the job. I am not ashamed to say I am counting the days till I can retire and get a civilian job I have missed too many things.

 

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No that's all very normal. I was very close with my grandparents and after they passed was brutal. But now on their anniversary it's just another day. Time heals all my friend. Occasionally I go to their grave say hi but that's really it

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I can't say that I mark the day my Dad passed away with anything but it certainly puts a bit of a dampner on my birthday, which is 6 days later.

 

It's been 21 years this year and it's still tough, which is surprising, because as kids he was hard, maybe more than he should have been and I don't know why. After leaving high school he mellowed somewhat...maybe it helped that I was bigger and tougher than he was, but we ended up having a better relationship.

 

I just remember the day, maybe shed a tear and keep moving forward.

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I remember the way he made me feel.

 

Brother Cuz (the name he affectionately earned) would always come into the firehouse and hang out with us like clockwork, every single shift just before dinner. He'd hang with us until about 11 when we'd rack out.

 

A few days after he took his life, we felt a tremendous void at the table. The eulogy delivered by his sister in law (yup) was brief and disjointed. It was his closest friend and our boss who hit it right out of the park. Cuz was as sure as a fire truck...call 911, you'll get a rig...call Cuz and he'll be there without a doubt. He was reliable and goofy and eccentric and unique. We learned that his solace was time spent at the firehouse. Time with his friends that became family. His happiest moments were sitting around the table and treating us to some “Za”. A medium with light sauce, ham and pepperoni from the same exact spot every single time.

 

We made a fun tribute to the Cuz. He installed a 110 outlet in the kitchen that had two USB ports. He didn't get permission and despite his work history as an electrician, the chief gave him a 30 day rip.

 

He didn't complain, we kept that outlet up and installed a plaque. “The brother Cuz memorial outlet.”

 

Sure, it's silly, but that's Cuz. He reminded us that no matter what, the firehouse kitchen table was the safest most welcoming place in his world.

 

So yes, we are reminded of him when we peek at the outlet but I am reminded of how he always was the guy that would reach out for anyone.

 

Grief is a difficult thing and time has a strange way of affecting us.

 

 

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First of all I'm very sorry for your loss GSwag, you and your wife both. I'd also like to commend you for having the courage to share with us.

 

I can tell you from three perspectives, person who has suffered losses, counseling student and care giver of those who are grieving that there is no right or wrong answer here. Everyone experiences grief a bit differently and yet there are certain “normals” within those differences.

 

What you are describing is normal.

 

Personally I remember the dates that my parents died because they were big days - Dad All Saints Day and Mom Father's Day.

 

I've had a number of congregants loose children to suicide - I do remember those dates and say a prayer for them and drop them a note on those anniversary dates. I also have a few congregants who take the anniversaries of their life bed ones passing hard so I try to reach out to them on those occasions.

 

@Geekinggolf my son was on deployment (underway in the US Navy) when my brother in law drowned. They were close but there was no way to get a message to a submariner at Sea. All servicemen everywhere make sacrifices. Thank you for your service.

 

 

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Thanks for sharing your experiences with us GSwag, I know it can be difficult at times.

 

We lost our nephew to SIDS when he was 8 months old, and my wife was 6 months pregnant with our daughter. Justin was the firstborn in the extended family, and it hit everyone hard. He passed suddenly on my father-in-law's birthday, so it's a date none of us will forget.

 

It's been almost 18 years since he passed, and I always feel a bit down on the anniversary. I know my wife does too. Her sister will change her Facebook photo to one of Justin, and post daily about her loss for a few weeks. My father-in-law has refused to celebrate a birthday since, although things have loosened up a bit in the last 4-5 years on that front.

 

We all take things differently, since we're all different people. I've personally told close friends who know how hard his loss was (he was also my godson) that it's OK to mention it to me; I like talking about him and my short time with him. Bringing him up with other people in the family will result in all sorts of different responses. Again, we're all different and how we process loss is, much like Rev said above, a personal thing for every one of us. 

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The first anniversary of my mom passing is coming up in 13 days.  I got a call from the hospital at 8pm telling me I should get there quickly.  It's 300 miles from my house, and I didn't get a speeding ticket thankfully.  My mom recognized me when I got there.  They were keeping her alive with drugs until I got there, and very soon her organs started shutting down.  She had been in a lot of pain for several years, and it was good to see her finally resting peacefully.

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Thank you all for sharing. Life is precious and worthy of celebrating. When we loose some one the void left and pain that follows I believe help us to not forget. Tonight we had the family over for dinner and laughs. It was three years ago we lost my father-in-law to cancer. He was for me a great inspiration and I looked up to him sometimes in awe. I am reminded of him every day in something said or in something done. Then something else usually happens, I think about another and then another that once had a place in my life. So the circle goes, and then I find myself happy. Can't explain it, and don't want to change it.

 

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GSwag, I am very sorry for your loss. I'm grateful my kids are all healthy. My mother passed 16 years ago, my mother in law 13 years ago on my wife's birthday. Both deaths were very difficult for me as both were wonderful women.

 

My father passed one week ago and was buried on Saturday. I love him dearly and was privileged to eulogize him. I am grateful for that opportunity and my faith that consoles me.

 

I recognize that suicide has a horrible effect on loved ones. I hope your family continues to heal and that the healing loosens the tie to the anchor of the anniversary.

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GSwag, I am very sorry for your loss. I'm grateful my kids are all healthy. My mother passed 16 years ago, my mother in law 13 years ago on my wife's birthday. Both deaths were very difficult for me as both were wonderful women.

 

My father passed one week ago and was buried on Saturday. I love him dearly and was privileged to eulogize him. I am grateful for that opportunity and my faith that consoles me.

 

I recognize that suicide has a horrible effect on loved ones. I hope your family continues to heal and that the healing loosens the tie to the anchor of the anniversary.

So sorry for your recent loss.

 

 

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First I want to say I'm sorry to hear about our son. As to your question, I can offer the following. Time slowly heals the raw feelings and sense of loss. Having suddenly lost my Dad in 1997, it hit me to the core.  Then 10 years later, I suddenly lost my Mom; again rocking me with sadness.  While it sounds kind of hard, the adage "time and life moves on" is reality.  After the first couple of years, their date of passing no longer became a focus.  But that means absolutely nothing because I think of them all the time and relish the other adage "the memories will last forever". God speed to you and your wife.

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I am so sorry to hear of this. i resd your articke and shed a tear.My sincerest condolences. As a father who has a 14 year old son, i always am worried about him in this matter hoping there is no hidden depression or bullying,etc that children often hide and not discuss.

I was mentioning this post to my wife and she and I had the same sentiment where people wouldn't want to keep offering their condolences for the fear of stirring up bad memories all over again. Doesn't mean they have forgotten.

I lost my mother when I was 27 and I cried and cried for weeks. Every year after that I cried on her b-day. 30 years later I just silently wish her a happy b-day. Life goes on and we each learn to adapt as time passes. It is inherent in us as death is a part of our lives. Again,I sincerely wish the best for both you and your wife. I admire your courage for what you wrote.

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