Best Yarns of the Golfing Kind! Tell them if you've got them ;D

[EasyPutter 3,047]

Tell them if you've got them!  Golf abounds by the tall stories and jokes that are in-bounds or way into the deep rough!

Like this one:

One fine day, John and Don are out golfing when John slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.  

The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. 

John excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Don, come here. I’ve got some real trouble down here.”

Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter, John? Is everything okay?” 

John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can’t get out of here with a seven."

[scooterhd2 905]

I'm not sure what a yarn is, but I'll bite...

 

Golfing with a customer of mine that doesn't get out on the links much. This is kind of an every day working man that's dusting off an old set and is really out for the free drinks and cigars. I got no problem with that, but I am a little worried we are not going to fit in on this very nice private, neighborhood course. As we hack our way around the course there is fair amount of drinking, yelling, cursing, slamming clubs. I see some mortified looks from an older couple out on their patio, but what can you do. The back 9 works it way out from the neighborhood into woodlands, but 12 is a long par 5 with a paved walking path along side it. My playing partner hits what seemed like his first FIR, with a nice drive down the middle than runs further down some slope, just beyond the dog leg. Great spot to be. Maybe I should have kept my mouth closed, but I told him to really try to hit a good layup shot here because the green is tiny and there are front bunkers on both sides and a drop off area to the left and back, so you really want to be as close as possible for that third shot. He proceeds to duff his second shot, and as it meanders down the fairway he yells to the top of his lungs, "RUN YOU FAT B****!" Just at the time some movement on the jogging trail catches my eye. It's a overweight middle aged gal that had passed us while out for a jog. There is no way she didn't hear. I hope she knew he was talking about the ball. Of course we froze and didn't say anything. Not sure if that is better or worse. Of it is a yarn for that matter. 

[EasyPutter 3,047]

Miguel and Wesley are playing golf at their favorite course, but on every hole, they are being held up by the two women ahead.

The women are great golfers, but they are playing terribly slow. Finally, after watching the women in the distance as they stood over their putts for what seemed like an eternity, Wesley decided to do something."I'll walk ahead and ask them if we can play through," Wesley said. He set off down the fairway, walking towards the women. But when he got halfway, he stopped, turned around, and headed back to where Miguel waited in the fairway.

"Can't do it," Wesley said, sounding mighty embarrassed. "One of them is my wife and the other is my mistress!"

"OK," Miguel said with understanding. "Then I'll go ask them."

Miguel started up the fairway, only to stop halfway and turn back.

"What's wrong?" Wesley asked when Miguel got back.

To which Miguel could only reply: "Small world, isn't it?"

[EasyPutter 3,047]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole, he had just scored his first-ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU. 

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible.  As he hung up he realized that he was cutting short what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf ever, so he decided to rush in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. 

He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Suddenly, he remembered his poor wife, massive guilt struck him, so he rushed to the hospital.  

When he finally arrived, he rushed up to the doctor, who was standing impatiently in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You heartless bastard, you went ahead and finished your round didn’t you?” Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had. 

“Well, I hope you’re proud of yourself mister because while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU and fighting for her life!  

The doctor paused, “Well, I guess that it’s just as well that you went ahead and finished your round because more than likely it will be the last one you’ll ever play.” 

“Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked. 

“Because for the rest of your wife’s life she will require ’round the clock care. She won’t be able to eat, move, or speak. Furthermore, she won’t be able to control her bladder or bowel movements, so you sir will have to be her 24/7 caregiver for the next 30-years!” The man was beside himself with guilt and grief, he totally broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. 

The doctor looked at the devastated man, and his scowl turned into a sly grin.  

“Hey, chill out dude,” the doctor chuckled. “I’m just screwing with you. She died three hours ago. So what did you shoot?” 

[EasyPutter 3,047]

Name the hazard in the emoji golf course between the tee and green...   (only hint- it's almost Fathers Day)

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                                                                #1

[EasyPutter 3,047]

Two friends were playing golf one day and wanted to spice it up. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules, i.e., no mulligans, improving their lies, etc. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.”

No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.

The man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings, he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6-feet from the pin.

“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?”

“Your 7-iron.” The man answered.

[EasyPutter 3,047]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry. I'm exhausted."

Edited July 10, 2020 by EasyPutter

[EasyPutter 3,047]

So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee. 

She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.

The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read “Titleist 1.”

“That was my ball,” the guy said.

“What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says “Titleist 3.”

“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.”

[LeftyHawk 589]

These are some good ones. Wish I had something to contribute, but I don't. Thanks...

 

Chris

[EasyPutter 3,047]

There was a threesome of men warming up on the first tee at Pebble Beach when a very pretty young woman came up and asked if she could join them in their round. They said they’d be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her.

When the round began it quickly became clear that she was quite a good golfer. She hit the ball beautifully and she showed exceptional skill in all aspects of the game. Throughout the round, she told the other members of the group that it had been her life-long dream to play Pebble Beach and to have a great round. She certainly was doing that, and after 17 holes she was at even par for the day.

She teed off and hit a terrific drive right down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin — but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. She studied her putt for a few moments, then she walked over to where the men were observing. “You know,” she said, “this is a very special day for me. I’ve always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to be below par on the course. This really means a lot to me, and if any of you can tell me the best way to sink this putt, there's thirty minutes of the best sex you’ve ever had in your life in it for you!”

Well, the first man ran over and said, “You know, I had this exact putt about two weeks ago and I can tell you that the best way to putt it is to hit it hard about 5-inches above the cup.”

The second man pushed him out of the way and said, “No way! I’ve had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup.”

The third man walked up and said, “Don’t listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme!”

[EasyPutter 3,047]

A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse and the head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”

The man replied, “Fabulous, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”

“Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were.”

[EasyPutter 3,047]

On 7/19/2020 at 11:31 PM, LeftyHawk said:

These are some good ones. Wish I had something to contribute, but I don't. Thanks...

 

Chris

When you come across something to add to the reading list, by all means contribute when you can!  Thanks for reading and please share them onward, humor lives in the retelling 

[LeftyHawk 589]

Here's one that came across my Facebook feed...

 

[CarlH 8,672]

I just played golf with a wonderful and delightful older gentleman in his young 80s.  He spun many great stories, told some wonderful jokes, and gave lots of wisdom regarding the golf swing and how to improve ones game.

After the round, he said "Whatever you do, don't speak to me in the parking lot.  My wife thinks I went deaf 5 years ago!"

[EasyPutter 3,047]

Chuck was a popular member at the golf club, but he just finished up a terrible round of golf and wasn't in the mood to visit the clubhouse after walking off the 18th green. So he headed straight out to the parking lot and started changing his shoes.

Just as he was closing the trunk of his car, a police officer spotted him. The policeman, stern-faced, walked over to Chuck and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about thirty minutes ago?"

"Yes," Chuck replied, "yes I did. Is something wrong, officer?"

"Did you happen to hook your tee shot?" the policeman asked.

"Yes, I did," replied Chuck.

"Did your ball fly over the trees and off the course?" the policeman asked.

"Why, yes, it did," said Chuck. "Why are you asking me these questions?"

The police officer replied in a very serious and stern manner: "Your ball, sir, flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. That driver's car went out of control and spun into a guard rail, where five other cars hit it. Then a fire truck, that was racing to a fire, smashed into the pileup!"

The policeman's voice was rising with consternation. "The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down! All that because you hooked a tee shot!"

The policeman was red-faced, and he paused to catch his breath. "What do you think you should do about all this?" he finally asked Chuck.

Chuck was a sensitive man and an upstanding citizen. He thought it over for a minute, then replied.

"Well," Chuck said, "I think I'll try opening my stance a little."

[CarlH 8,672]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

 

The Instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.

 

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

 

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

 

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?

[Tarheelvolvo 1,477]

Might not be a yarn in a sense of the others above, however it's too funny of a story to not tell.

My fraternity has a yearly golf game and many hijinx are on display, along with some decent golf, but mostly a bunch of hackers out for a good time. One year I was paired with one of the top 5 golfers in the fraternity, so I thought I had it made! 

All was going according to plan until the 12th hole. We were in the hunt for victory and my partner had an easy 5ft putt for a birdie, but he pushed it right. In his frustration, he walked to the edge of the green and slammed down his putter like an axe so hard the putter head broke off, went flying through the air, and landed right next to the ball. It must have grazed it, because the next thing we know the ball rolls into the hole! 

We stood in stunned silence before we both fell on the ground laughing so hard at the absurdity of it all. We then both agreed that since the "player" never touched the ball, he could still mark down the birdie 

[EasyPutter 3,047]

An American citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round and is paired with three locals.

He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the 1st tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway.

With a big smile, he asks the others: “In the States, we call that a Mulligan. What do you call it here in Ireland?”

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies: “Hitting three.”

[CarlH 8,672]

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.

 

"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"  Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman.

"But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone"

 

"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.

"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."

 

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions.

 

They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4. "It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.

 

"That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."

 

After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5.  "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.  Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes.

 

As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

 

The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.

 

As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.

 

"Why didn't you kill it" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."

 

And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!

[tony@CIC 22,826]

A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.   "Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"  Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman. "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone"   "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."   The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions.   They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4. "It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.   "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."   After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5.  "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.  Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes.   As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.  "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.   The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.   As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.   "Why didn't you kill it" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."   And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!

That was funny - I wasn't expecting that ending


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