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steveone

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Everything posted by steveone

  1. This is the real reason your pants don't fit on the day after Thanksgiving.
  2. A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman. “What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!” “What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different rooster,” he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!
  3. I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters. Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe… What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation I was having trouble with my internet connection at the farm, so I moved my modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi. A girl came into my bookstore and asked “What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?” Slim to Nun? Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think “Baby I’ts Cold Outside” is really weird, and we’re gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside. What genre are national anthems? Country.
  4. There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which “lived” there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm - I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what’s the moral of the story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
  5. Latest Ukrainian attack on Russian navy.
  6. A woman goes to a fortune teller: As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the soothsayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth. “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.” The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to her. Her hands began to shake and her throat felt like a desert as she barely managed to croak out the question on her mind. “Will I be acquitted?”
  7. Above comic was from Edward Steed, gotta give credits. Below is an xkcd variation on the, Hard of Hearing Genie.
  8. Why you don't give Surprise parties for squids.
  9. An old man goes to a sperm bank to offer a donation. The receptionist tells him “Sorry, you’re too old” but the old guy insists. “Give me your largest jar” he says “I’ll fill it to the top” Eventually, the receptionist agrees. So the old guy goes behind the curtain … the receptionist waits… and waits … and waits. Several hours go past. Eventually, she goes to see what's wrong. She opens the curtain, and there she finds the old guy, red faced, out of breath. “It's no good” he pants. "I can’t do it. I tried it with my left hand. I tried it with my right hand. I pulled it. I pushed it. I twisted it clockwise. I twisted it anticlockwise. I shook it. I turned it this way. I turned it that way. I even hit it against the wall a few times, but I just can’t do it… I just can’t get this friggin jar open
  10. Some quick ones and groaners: What’s the oldest you can be to get a circumcision? I need to know the cut-off date. My friend told me, “You have a Bachelor’s, a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.” That was a third degree burn. Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn’t working. Americans are getting stronger: 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries. Today, a 5 year-old can carry them! There’s two types of people in the world - Those who proofread their posts, and those who do. I spotted my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just …too much history between us. I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered “Did you know it’s National Orgasm Day?” “Oh, what a pity,” she yawned, turning away. "Right in the middle of National Headache Week!” I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them. I love being a mailman.
  11. Fred came home to find his best friend and wife in bed. Fred pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em. Next morning, his friend Paul went down to the jail to see him. Paul, “Fred, don’t take it so hard, It could have been worse” Fred, “What you mean, it could have been worse? Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could have been worse?” Paul, “Yeah, baby. It could have been worse.” Fred, “What you mean?” Paul, “Hell, if you’d have came home Thursday instead of Friday, you’d have gotten me too.”
  12. A woman and her 13-year-old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls were standing by the roadside. The Boy asked, “Mommy, what are all those women doing? His Mother replied, “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from work.” The Taxi driver turned around and said, “Why don’t you tell him the truth?. Little boy, they are prostitutes, they sleep with men for money." The Boy’s eyes got wide and asked, “Mommy, is that true?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver replied, “Yes.!!” After a few minutes, the boy asked, “Mommy, what happens to the babies those women have?” She replied, “Most of them become Taxi drivers."
  13. A few weeks back, Chamblee hinted that winnings were draws against the contract amount. This was vehemently denied by LIV and some of the players. At the hearing, "However, in presenting the case for Talor Gooch, Hudson Swafford and Matt Jones on why the players, suspended by the PGA Tour for joining LIV, should be granted emergency relief to compete in the PGA Tour's FedEx Cup Playoffs, one of the players' lawyers said that the money allegedly won during LIV Golf events is "recouped against the LIV contracts.” And, "Later in the hearing, microphones picked up LIV Golf’s lawyers discussing the admission among themselves near the end of the hearing. Although the entire conversation was not audible, one of the legal representatives can be heard mentioning “Chamblee.” All the contracts with LIV are state secrets it seems. https://www.golfdigest.com/story/liv-golf-lawyer-prize-money?itm_source=parsely-api
  14. Congrats to all. 24 [twenty-four] players tied at 53 under par with a variety of golfers. Wow.
  15. I will crush this contest like I did the last one. [not very well - I think I hit 12th place after day two and faded]. But this time for sure. My access to all the advanced metrics, weather vs. start time, players in a group most likely to skull each other [Daly and DeChambeau, Tringale as referee] and magic 8 ball will be invincible. Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner. Just glad I don't have to put up any money on my picks Thanks for the contest MGS. Quick story. Played the Old Course in 2010 and again in 2012. In the later round, our group was well ahead of the trailing party on 17 [road hole]. They weren't in sight as we finished 17 and 18 is alway slow with the obligatory pictures [bridge, clubhouse, group behind green...]. Grabbed a wedge and sprinted over to the wall/road behind 17. The caddies immediately picked up on what I was doing. I duplicated Miguel Ángel Jiménez's shot from 2010. Got it on the green in good shape but missed the putt - boo. Pro tip - these bank shots come off with tremendous back spin - the ball hits the green and stops.
  16. I waded through all the post last night and this morning. I saw nothing about LIV winnings. My understanding (possibly wrong) was that the first tournament winner, Schwartzel did not in fact get $4 million ~. It was a draw from his contract amount. The bonus and team money may have been actual checks but winnings are a draw from upfront compensation. DJ got a reported $125 million but contracts/compensation with LIV are opaque. My opinion - complaints about too much work, upset work/life/family balance are BS for the mid-tier and higher rated golfers. They already could pick and choose weeks to play, 15 tourneys minimum is not onerous. Sucks to be away from home/family. They should try nine deployments to Middle East/Afghanistan, 24/7, 16+ hours a day. The others guys never yelled - FORE! when there was incoming. /my opinion.
  17. PGA charities receive more money from the golf tournaments than what the NFL, NBA, MLB, and NHL combined contribute. Not many millionaire/billionaire folks in owning/governing positions. The impact on local charities is huge, like Christmas sales for small local businesses. My picks are in, more of a dartboard throw. I won't be watching (I basically never watch - I play golf or with the youngsters in my family).
  18. Yes, the stock car races. Joe Tinty's stadium, 1948 to 1981. It was loud. Some history - sorry about straying from golf. http://www.catamountstadium.com/plainvillestadium.html
  19. I'm truly a geezer. I grew up in Plainville. My dad's machine shop was in Berlin, just about on the turnpike. Dad's secretary's husband was the member. He and I played lots of golf at Edgewood in the summer when I was back from college. He was one of those short but straight hitters who could chip and putt you to death. My game involved exploring the countryside - you know - taking unusual and challenging lines. The road/fairway less traveled.
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