TheWahoo

Thanks, we do have a good time don't we.

Making the green but a long way from the hole "You're dancing but it is a long song with an ugly woman".

In many locales a shot that barely gets off the ground is called a "worm burner", where I come from its known as a "snake raper".
 
A "Shakespeare" putt is impossible to read.
 
A "Rock Hudson" is a shot that appears to be straight, but it ain't.
 
"Driving an Escalade" means that you can't drive 300 yards.

"Arafat"--its ugly and ends up buried in the sand.
 
 Not a "Clinton"-- a drive close to a hazard but not in it--it means you are still just laying one.

Seeing some new members from Texas, I am reminded of the following story:
 
A Texan passed away and St. Peter was giving him a tour of heaven.   In downtown heaven the streets were paved with gold and Peter asked what do you think of them.   The Texan replied, they're really nice but we had better streets in Texas.   Peter took him in to one of heaven's neighborhoods where there was one mansion after another.  Peter said what do you think of them.   The Texan replied, they are really nice homes, but we had better ones in Texas.  Long story short, no matter what Peter showed the Texan he claimed it was better in Texas.   So finally,  Peter took him to the very edge of heaven and told him to look over the edge.  Well the Texan saw the flames of hell just a lapping.  So Peter says what do you think of that.   The Texan replied, I don't know, but we got a guy named Red that will put that darn fire out for ya.

A very attractive brunette showed up at her doctor's office.   When the doctor asked what was her problem she stated that her whole body hurt, no matter where she touched it hurt.  He asked her to show him, and sure enough where ever she touched her body she yelp with pain.   The doctor said to her, you died your hair didn't you, you are actually a blonde.   She asked, how did you know?  He said because your finger is broken.      

Several years ago, a club to which I was a member hosted what was then known as the Futures Tour (now the Symetra Tour).   On Monday and Tuesday of tournament week, several of the ladies would play with members for course knowledge.   I had the absolute pleasure of enjoying a round with Erica Blasberg.   Erica was an extremely attractive young lady and ever so pleasant.   A couple of years afterward, she committed suicide.   While my time with her was brief, she gave no indications that she would ever even consider suicide.  Given her appearance and personality, I could only see a bight future for her.   One can never truly know what's going through the mind of another or what event may occur in another's life to cause such an action.  

Given my computer illiteracy, I'm very happy that I can write this post.    This morning I opened the site using the means that I typically do, when I saw that things were different.   My first thought was "this ain't good, I'm going to miss my spy buddies".   Then I saw the registration or account creation in the corner of the screen.   So I figured I'd just re-up so to speak.  When I typed in my screen name, I got a message that it was in use.   My thought was "of course it is that's me.    So then I just pressed the function next to it and sure enough my info appeared with remember me checked.   That was good, because I would never have remembered my password.  So I hit enter and here I am.    While I succeeded more of less by accident, I, never the less, am proud of myself, because I didn't panic and  kept trying I made it here.   Again, I am really happy posting this,  because I would have missed my buds here and I didn't let a darn computer defeat me.

I know from my youth that one should have an empty coffee can with which to collect and store bacon grease.   Most things taste great when cooked in bacon grease.

I have none because they require the use of a needle.   I need anesthesia to get a flu shot.

Given my computer illiteracy, I'm very happy that I can write this post.    This morning I opened the site using the means that I typically do, when I saw that things were different.   My first thought was "this ain't good, I'm going to miss my spy buddies".   Then I saw the registration or account creation in the corner of the screen.   So I figured I'd just re-up so to speak.  When I typed in my screen name, I got a message that it was in use.   My thought was "of course it is that's me.    So then I just pressed the function next to it and sure enough my info appeared with remember me checked.   That was good, because I would never have remembered my password.  So I hit enter and here I am.    While I succeeded more of less by accident, I, never the less, am proud of myself, because I didn't panic and  kept trying I made it here.   Again, I am really happy posting this,  because I would have missed my buds here and I didn't let a darn computer defeat me.

I know from my youth that one should have an empty coffee can with which to collect and store bacon grease.   Most things taste great when cooked in bacon grease.

A couple of Canadian buds came to the US on a snowbird golf trip.   Unfortunately, one of them took ill and had to be admitted into a hospital.   Upon leaving  his room after treating him, a nurse reported to a fellow nurse.   That Canadian patient has Swan tattooed on his pecker.   Well, the other nurse couldn't resist going in to see.  A while later, she comes out and says:  That tattoo doesn't say Swan, it says Saskatchewan.  

That reminds me of the story of the guy that would ask the Pharmacist to cut his Viagra into quarters.   The Pharmacist stated that it would weaken its potency.  The guy replied--I'm just trying not to piss on my shoes. 
Using Viagra is a lot like going to Disney World-one must wait an hour for a 3 minute ride.  
Many nursing homes give their male residents a nightly Viagra-it keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis and was driving down the road with it still in her hand.   So she threw it out of the car window.  It just so happened that two good ole boys in a pick-up truck were following her and it hit their windshield.   The driver turns to his buddy and asks:  "Bubba, did ya see the pecker on that bug". 

Sometimes, I find it good, helpful and safer that I am a digital illiterate and do not use social media.
The wife of a friend, forwarded him a selfie of herself, with the question :  "Does this dress make my butt look bigger?"
My bud, responded:  Noo
It seems that his autocorrecting feature changed it to :  Moo

A man and his blonde wife operated a cattle ranch and their bull died.   Having only $500 available to purchase another, he told his blonde wife, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for that price.  If I can I will send you a telegram."   He found a bull for $499, having $1 remaining he goes to telegraph office and discovers that it costs $1 per word.   So he was trying to figure out how to tell his wife to bring the truck and trailer.   Finally, he tells the telegraph operator to just send the word, "comfortable".   Skeptical, the telegraph operator asks "How will she know to come with the trailer."   The man replies: "My wife is a blonde so she reads very slowly: "Come for ta bull".

It's important to understand that there is a difference between old coot wisdom and country wisdom.   We've got country wisdom that we learned as youngsters.  

The discussion in the rant thread reminded me of this story:
 
A guy hit his ball in the yard of a residence.  When he went to retrieve the ball, the home owner came out and yelled "get off my lawn".   When he returned to his buds, he related the incident.   His buds asked, so what did you do.   He said, "oh, I just threw another ball in his yard, because every dick should have two balls."

A guy calls his boss, to let him know that he was not feeling well and was going to take a sick day.    The boss said that he understood and told him that whenever he has a similar condition, he gets his wife to have oral sex with him and that solves the problem.   A little after noon, the guy shows up for work.   The boss says-I see you took my advice.   The guy responds, yes I did, boss, and may I say that you have a really nice house.

Another Johnny story.   The teacher told him to use the word fascinate in a sentence.   He replied, I went to a movie and found it fascinating.  The teacher said that's close and related but I specifically said just fascinate.  He replied, my sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her  boobs are so big that she can only fasten eight.

A country good ole boy always wanted to take a cruise.   He saved for years and finally was able to afford an inexpensive cruise.   As fate would have it, the ship sank, but the good old boy made it safely to a nearby island.   The island was totally deserted except of a single female sheep and a rather large dog.  As time when on, the sheep looked more and more better to him.   But every time he wanted to pleasure himself with the sheep, the dog would attack him.   On day, a rather attractive shapely young lady swam to the island as a result of her boat sinking as well.  Seeing him, she said how glad she was and stated the she would do anything, absolutely anything, he may want.  He replied--oh good, would you mind watching that dog for a few minutes for me.

While I cannot confirm, this was reported to me as a true story:
 
A farmer in order to get some additional funds, rented a corner of his property to a billboard company.   The corner rented was right next to the driveway to a mental health facility.   The facility requested that the billboard be removed or changed.   It seems that the company using the billboard was a coffee company-Chock full a nuts.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
 
One less drunk.

Dawg, that's similar to the guy that had several dead geese and was stopped by the game warden.   The warden asked if he had the proper license.  To which the guy said yes.   The warden picked up a goose and stuck his finger up its butt and said, this is a Maryland goose do you have a Maryland license.  The guy showed him his Maryland license.   The warden picked up another goose and again stuck his finger up its butt,--this is a Delaware goose do you have a Delaware license..  The guy showed him his Delaware license.  Again, the warden pickup a goose and again stuck his finger up its butt--this is a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia license.  Again, the guy showed him his Virginia license.   The warden then asked the guy-where are you from?   The guy dropped his pants and said, let's see if you can tell me.
 
 
An old farmer needed some money, so he decided to sell his best hunting dog.  A guy shows up to by the dog but wanted to know how good the dog really was.  So the farmer told the dog to go into to left woods and see how many rabbits are in there.   The dog comes back and taps the ground 6 times with his paw.   The farmer said that means there are 6 rabbits in those woods.  The guy says, oh sure, that dog could have tapped any number.  So the farmer sent the dog into the right woods, it returned and tapped the ground 8 times.   The farmer says, that means there are 8 rabbits in those woods.   Again, the guy was not accepting it.   So the farmer sent the dog into the field.  The dog returned with a stick in his mouth and started humping the guys leg.  The guy asked what does that mean.  The farmer replied--that means there are more !@#$ing rabbits in that field than you can shake a stick at.