Mr. 82

Ok, now he’s really screwing with me.

My friend has a sick sense of humor. For the past year or so, both of us have become fans of mocking Bryson DeChambeau; mostly because we think he’s a giant toolbag. When Bryson huffs and puffs before hitting a drive we’ll text each other something like, “HULK SMASH!!!” When Bryson hits one in the woods we say, “HULK SAD!” When Bryson misses a putt we say, “HULK ANGRY!” Basically we enjoy mocking him because, well, he’s easy to make fun of. Anyway, he kept telling me he got me a Christmas present, and was all excited. He kept telling me it was delayed, and I was like, ok, whatever. Wasn’t really looking for or wanting anything anyways. So I show up this morning and he hands me this and says, “Merry Christmas!” And he tells me that I have to display this in the house. Like I said, sick sense of humor.

So we tee off this morning behind a threesome. It’s cart path only, as we got a ton of rain yesterday. So when it’s cart path only I just walk. I think it’s more walking from the cart to your ball on every shot, versus down the fairway. Anyway, I’m walking down the 3rd hole, about 100 yards from the tee and there is a brand new AVX just sitting there. Cool! So I scoop it up and stick it in my pocket. We get to the 6th hole and same thing, a brand new AVX about 100 yards from the tee box. Cool! Another $4 nugget in my pocket. I’m walking towards the 13th green and notice a ball in the creek. I grab my wedge and scoop this one out and sure enough it’s another AVX! So in the course of walking 18 holes I picked up an entirely new sleeve of Titleist AVX! I found about 3 other balls as well, but I think the dude in front of me was just too lazy to walk out into the middle of the fairway for a missed tee shot. Thanks for the donations, dude!

Gotta love Spaulding. A great balance to the most uptight judge in modern history.

Well, it really wasn't nerves, it was borderline stupidity. The 11th hole is a par 5, where I ripped a drive down the middle, and then smoked a 4 wood to the front fringe in two. I essentially had an eagle putt to a back right pin. I overcompensated on the fringe putt and putted the ball off the back of the green, which left me with a devilish uphill chip back to the pin, which was tucked tighter than virgin ***** against the back of the green. So I've got to flop something and hope it stops and doesn't take the massive slope that will send the ball towards the front of the green. I actually pull off the chip for the most part and it trickles about 6-7 feet below the hole. But I still two-putt for the bogey. In front of the green in two, walk off with bogey. I was pretty much done after that colossal lesson in horrible course management. Lesson learned - don't get greedy and want the eagle so bad as to cause a complete meltdown on the hole going forward. I don't think I could have played that hole any worse after two glorious shots to get to the green in two.

I keep score on my Garmin GPS watch, and it tells you how many over or under you are. But at that point it wasn't too hard for me to figure out. I had two bogeys and two birdies on the front nine, and made a nice up and down for par on 10 from the bunker. But yeah, I get where you are going with this. Ignorance is bliss they always say.

When you work and work and work, and you go out and play and all that work seemingly evaporates on the first hole when you slice a drive into the bunker. Oh no, but it's not good enough to be in the bunker, it has to come to rest right over the back lip, so you can't even get your club on the ball without taking some ridiculously stupid swing. So you take your best swipe at it in the back of the bunker and you barely move the ball towards the front of the bunker. Now it's sort of resting to where the front lip will force you to play a really high lofted club just to get out of the bunker. So you club up and pop it out, leaving yourself in the rough with some ridiculous lie about 30 yards in front of the green. You make your best effort at the chip, but the ball is so buried, and so muddy that you chunk it about 10 yards. Now you've got a tight lie to a front pin. Well, with your memory fresh from chunking your last shot, you overcompensate and blade your next wedge shot over the green, into the pine straw underneath the trees behind the green. Screw it you say, I've had enough of this impossible hole that I've dug for myself. So you huff and you puff your way towards the tree. Your ball is seated up against the tree now, so that you can't even take a full swing, and you'll be luck to get it on the green. Impossible you say! You take one big angry swipe at the ball and you top it and it bounces about 5 yards ahead of you into the rough again. You're still off the green and in nasty rough. Screw it you say, and grab your putter. You're so mad at this point that you just swipe at the ball and you let it rip. Once again your ball takes off and it seemingly looks back at you and laughs as it skips across the green like a virgin on prom night and ends up in the greenside bunker on the other side of the green. No, no, no. This cannot be possible. Your ball comes to rest against the back lip of the bunker, essentially unplayable. Your blood pressure is boiling now. You haven't even finished the first hole, and you've long ago lost track of how many strokes you've taken on this hellish hole. You look at your ball; you're ready to explode. You break your putter shaft over your knee, and you bend over, pick up your ball, and throw it in the woods. You march off in a huff towards the cart. "My ball's in pocket," you quietly say to your playing partners. Your group finishes out the hole while you quietly stew in the cart. Your buddy puts his clubs in his bag, and sits down in the cart next to you and asks, "what should I put down for your score on that hole?" "Give me a five."

Did I say anything about cheating or tuck rule or whatever? I was just talking about the ridiculous run of owning the AFC East for the last 20 years. I grew up in the Orange Bowl watching the Dolphins in Miami every Sunday, back when the Patriots were a doormat and an easy two victories for the Dolphins every year. Now that Brady is gone, and we've settled the debate over who was more responsible for the Patriots dynasty, I can enjoy watching that insufferable prick Belichick go 7-9 every year, and be mediocre like he was in Cleveland when he didn't have a HOF QB bailing him out all the time. Remember, NE was struggling with Bledsoe as QB before Brady accidentally got his chance due to injury and the rest being history. And I honestly hope Buffalo spends the next 5-6 years pounding on New England twice a year. I hope Josh Allen is the next Tom Brady and that Buffalo goes on a mammoth run to make New England a doormat and as much of a joke as the Jets have been. I'm hopeful that the Dolphins have their QB in Tua and that they make the AFC East competitive again. Hell, I hope the Jets figure something out and become a competitive threat. Frankly, I hope the Bills, Dolphins and Jets are all destroying the rest of the NFL every year and 3 losses won't win you that division between the 3 of them. Because if that happens I'll be happy knowing that New England will be lucky to win 4 games a year. That would be the only satisfactory outcome for me for the next 10-20 years. You had 20 years of ridiculous success. Now it's time to pay the piper and spend some time in the cellar in the fetal position every Sunday night after another embarrassing loss.

That would be my comeback, if I were an Eagles player and I saw the Giants players complaining about Philly tanking the last game. YOU WON 6 GAMES GIANTS FANS! YOU SUCK JUST AS BAD AS THE REST OF YOUR CRAPPY DIVISION RIVALS!!!

where's the largest sarcastic eye roll emoticon I can find. New England and the Patriots can miss the playoffs for the next 20 years and go 0-16 every year from now on, and it still wouldn't satisfy me. Belichick and the Patriots are one of the reasons I really lost interest in the NFL - LACK OF PARITY. I'm glad you are happy for the Bills though. Between them and Cleveland, I hope one of them goes to the Super Bowl.

The whole NFC Least is a dumpster fire.

Well, when you are even par through 10 holes, and then bogey 6 of the next 7 holes, it's definitely staggering home.

When you're walking 18 holes on New Years Day, in shorts [because it's 77 degrees], and that golf shirt your daughter got you for Christmas, and your buddy snaps a pic of you walking the fairway without you knowing it. Good times. And has anyone ever come up with the idea of shooting a lower score than the temperature outside? Not a tough ask in the heat of summer, but in fall, winter and spring, this might present a unique challenge. (And no, I was not able to accomplish it yesterday, as I staggered home to a depressing 78).