Golf Joke for 2017.

[cksurfdude]

"They say"... a picture is worth 1,000 words....

 

 

[DawgDaddy]

A social worker from Chicago recently transferred to rural Alabama and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" she asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.
"But," protested the social worker, (thinking that surely she will need to intervene in this situation) "are you never together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

[DawgDaddy]

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining and criticizing throughout the process. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "Nine, but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. 
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[DawgDaddy]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

[DawgDaddy]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. 

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. 

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communication was on a cellular phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket. He told me before we took off he had the tower on speed dial. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!" 

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone. 

"Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is to not panic. Remain calm!" 

He began his series of questions: 

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me." 

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?" 

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me." 

Tower: "Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast. So how do you know you're flying upside down?" 

Aircraft: “Because the crap that was in my pants is running out of my shirt collar."

[DawgDaddy]

My wife went to the fortune teller yesterday! You know the one on 441 next to Flash Foods! In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news to her: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. 

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing, she steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

[DawgDaddy]

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if
not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
" Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a check for $10)
Dr. Young: "But this check is only for $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[cksurfdude]

^ excellent!

(both story and moral)

 

Reminds me of the one about the two bulls....

 

One beautiful Spring day an old bull and a young stud bull are standing on a hill, surveying their herd of nice fat heifers.

 

The young bull starts stamping up and down, snorting and showing off his strength and says, "Let's run down there and F*** one of them lovely young gals!"

 

The old bull turns slowly, looks at the impatient youngster, and starts to speak: "Well .. how about if we just sorta stroll down there and F*** them all?"

[ole gray]

^ excellent!

(both story and moral)

 

Reminds me of the one about the two bulls....

 

One beautiful Spring day an old bull and a young stud bull are standing on a hill, surveying their herd of nice fat heifers.

 

The young bull starts stamping up and down, snorting and showing off his strength and says, "Let's run down there and F*** one of them lovely young gals!"

 

The old bull turns slowly, looks at the impatient youngster, and starts to speak: "Well .. how about if we just sorta stroll down there and F*** them all?"

Hell yea! Old bull is cooking with Crisco

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

[DawgDaddy]

This morning I stopped at the gas station and noticed two police officers looking at this lady who was talking on her cellphone, smoking, and putting gas in her car at the same time.

I'm thinking to myself, she is crazy! She's about to blow us all up!

I had cash, so I go inside to pay for my gas. As I'm paying, I hear somebody scream “LOOK OUTSIDE!”… the woman's arm was on fire!!!

She's running around screaming, waving her arm, and basically just going crazy!! I go outside. The police are holding her on the ground putting the fire out. I started pumping my gas and saw the police cuffing her.

Some dude pumping his gas yelled “AWE HECK NO!! WHY ARE Y'ALL CUFFING HER?” Like her catching her arm on fire wasn't punishment enough…

I kid you not, the cops looked him dead in the eye and said, “FOR WAVING A FIREARM…”

[DawgDaddy]

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." 

 

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" 

 

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." 

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. 

 

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." 

 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" 

 

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30." 

 

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" 

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

[Kenny B]

 

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." 

 

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" 

 

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." 

 

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. 

 

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." 

 

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" 

 

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30." 

 

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" 

 

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

I'm 70, so.......

[tony@CIC]

I'm 70 as well. Planning on programming my body clock so I can wake up at 5:45 every morning in anticipation of hitting 80

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

[fozcycle]

I shared that one with my wife and her 3 sisters, ages 72, 76, 80 and 82.......they all loved it!

 

 

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[Jmikecpa]

Bill and Ralph stepped up to the first tee box.

 

Bill said, “Hey, guess what!? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

 

Ralph replied enthusiastically, “What a great trade!”

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

[ole gray]

Bill and Ralph stepped up to the first tee box.

 

Bill said, “Hey, guess what!? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”

 

Ralph replied enthusiastically, “What a great trade!”

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

 

 

My wife (plays a heap better than I do) would beat my arse like a red headed step child  

[Jiro]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer go out for a round of golf. They quickly find that the group ahead of them is the slowest group they have ever seen.

At the turn they go in to pick up some more drinks. "How is the round going?" asks the bartender. They tell him about the group in front of them. "Oh yes, that is a group of four blind firefighters. A couple of years ago we had a fire fire in the clubhouse and those four bravely fought the fire and kept it from burning to the ground but were blinded while fighting the fire. We let them play for free whenever they like."

Filled with compassion the priest says, "So sorry to hear that. We'll buy them a round of drinks and I'll keep them in my prayers."

The doctor likewise says, "I'll keep an ear out for any new developments on the medical front. Someday we may be able to help them."

The engineer says, "Why not restricted them to only playing at night. There, problem solved."

 

(For my fellow engineers out there).

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

[DawgDaddy]

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:

"WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN"

 

Husband texts back:

"GENTLY POUR SOME WARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER"

 

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"LAPTOP REALLY BUGGERED NOW!"

[cksurfdude]

OK, we haven't had a new.joke in here for a while so here's one I got via email....

 

--- ---

A  circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer wanted' and two people show up.

 

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.

 

 The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  This is one ferocious lion.  He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."

 

 "Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

 The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

 

 She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

 

 The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.  As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.

 

 The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.  He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

 

 The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!!  He says, "That's amazing!  I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

 

 He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top what you just saw in there?"

 

 The tough old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

--- ---