Whats your best joke?

[Big moose]

A man walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm, his wife turns around and he says here's the pig I've been f******. His wife laughs and says that's not a pig you moron . He looks up at her and says I wasn't talking to you. 

[Big moose]

A guy walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, does that viagra stuff really work. The pharmacist says oh yeah I take it. The guy asks him are you able to get it over the counter, the pharmacist says only if I take 2.

[hohjoe]

Two similarly dressed blondes walk into a tanning salon and the receptionist asked, “are you sisters?” One blonde giggles and said “no, we aren’t even Catholic.”

 

[cksurfdude]

Warning: NSFW; un-PC language.

But funny (..I think ...)

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Co5OGJdjyZG/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

[DawgDaddy]

Since I retired, I have been very busy over the past 10 years working on my golf game. This year I decided to put my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I'm very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. The cost of the book will only be $4.96. Here's the Table of Contents from the new book, "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I've gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of my golfing partners.
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1
- How to properly line up your Fourth putt.
Chapter 2
- How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.
Chapter 3
- How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in a bunker.
Chapter 4
- How to get more distance off the Shank.
Chapter 5
- When to give the Ranger the finger.
Chapter 6
- Using your shadow on the Greens to confuse your opponent.
Chapter 7
- When to implement Handicap Management.
Chapter 8
- Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.
Chapter 9
- How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post ... Undetected.
Chapter 10
- How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
Chapter 11
- How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
Chapter 12
- Why your spouse doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13
- How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.
Chapter 14
- How to relax when you are hitting three off the Tee.
Chapter 15
- When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.
Chapter 16
- God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.
Chapter 17
- When to re-grip your Ball Retriever.
Chapter 18
- Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.
Chapter 19
- Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
Hopefully you will find this book intriguing and purchase a copy and considering my next book will be on bowling.

[cksurfdude]

For all you guys who, umm, WFH but really go out for a golf round .. this one's titled "Wife Called"

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CnuGsLahYfI/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

[Big moose]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, you want to see something really special? The bartender says yeah, sure. The guy reaches under his coat and pulls out a little piano, a little bench and a little man about a foot tall, he sits down and plays the piano. The bartender asks where did you get that?? he said he found a bottle with a genie in it and he got 3 wishes. The bartender said what did you wish for. He said he wanted a billion dollars, opens his coat and it's full of money, and I wanted a chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce limo. The bartender says well what was your third wish, and the guy says it sure as hell wasn't a 12 inch pianist. 

[DawgDaddy]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

[Rickp]

1 minute ago, DawgDaddy said:

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

Oldie but a goodie..

[Shankster]

My 9 year old got me this morning with his new joke book.  Two semi-golf related.

1. Why are so many people afraid of grass?  Because it is full of blades. 

2. How does a tree get on the internet? By Logging On.

[tony@CIC]

1 hour ago, Shankster said:

My 9 year old got me this morning with his new joke book.  Two semi-golf related.

1. Why are so many people afraid of grass?  Because it is full of blades. 

2. How does a tree get on the internet? By Logging On.

Groan emoji 

[Rickp]

2 hours ago, Shankster said:

My 9 year old got me this morning with his new joke book.  Two semi-golf related.

1. Why are so many people afraid of grass?  Because it is full of blades. 

2. How does a tree get on the internet? By Logging On.

 

19 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

Groan emoji 

Double that

[cksurfdude]

6 hours ago, Shankster said:

1. Why are so many people afraid of grass?  Because it is full of blades. 

2. How does a tree get on the internet? By Logging On.

 

4 hours ago, tony@CIC said:

Groan emoji 

 

3 hours ago, Rickp said:

 

Double that

..oh you old curmudgeons those are pretty good!!! 

 

@Shankster -

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

A: Well. If you hadn't been so fresh .. we wouldn't have gotten into this .. (wait for it......) .. jam! 

[Rickp]

3 minutes ago, cksurfdude said:

 

 

..oh you old curmudgeons those are pretty good!!! 

 

@Shankster -

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?

A: Well. If you hadn't been so fresh .. we wouldn't have gotten into this .. (wait for it......) .. jam! 

Kids have great jokes!

[chisag]

7 hours ago, Rickp said:

Kids have great jokes!

 

... So many that were hilarious when we were kids. This was one of my favorites from elementary school:

In days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren't invented

They laid their load beside the road to keep the flies contented. 

... Just killed with 6-8 yr olds! 

[ChuckZ]

Golfer stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean.  A driver comes up on the beach and starts taking off the wet suit slowly and he realizes it is a beautiful young lady.  She asks him if he wants to play around.  He having been on this island for a month and going crazy said of course, one question.  Do you have a set of clubs in that wet suit?

[ChuckZ]

My best joke I tell at social events for obvious reasons.  Ever hear of a shark eating a lawyer?  Never, out of professional courtesy.  

[tony@CIC]

51 minutes ago, ChuckZ said:

My best joke I tell at social events for obvious reasons.  Ever hear of a shark eating a lawyer?  Never, out of professional courtesy.  

We need more lawyer jokes like: What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean?

A good start 

[chisag]

6 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

We need more lawyer jokes

 

Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
 
New Jersey had first choice. 

[ChuckZ]

44 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

We need more lawyer jokes like: What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the Ocean?

A good start 

Think I stirred up a hornets nest.....could be fun and interesting.....all my friends who are attorneys and Judges, love it......