Whats your best joke?

[chisag]

I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see" and walked away.

He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked her. She said, "I'll see" and walked away. She never came back either.

I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.

They were both in Aisle C.

[DawgDaddy]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can’t believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, “What are you doing here?” “I’m just waiting to get paid,” responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks “How much money do you make a week?” A little surprised, the young fellow replies, “I make about $300 a week. Why?” The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.” The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?” From across the room comes a voice, “Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200.”

[tony@CIC]

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I am 83 years old and I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order. So when I got to the first window.
I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the queue and start all over again,
Don't blow your horn at old people, they have been around a long time.

[EasyPutter]

Bubba is walking home from the bar late one night and sees the outline of a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars," she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before and decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So, he goes into the bushes and joins her.

They're “engaged” for a few minutes when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.

"What's going on here?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife!" Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face."

[chisag]

During a sermon, a pastor announced:

"If you know your wife is controlling you, move to the left."

All the men in the church moved to the left except one man.

The pastor was happy there was at least one strong man, and asked him:

"How come your wife can't control you?"

The man quietly replied, "It's my wife who told me not to move."

[Middler]

Joke Of The Day

Bob was an excellent golfer. He hit the ball a mile. The only problem was he was losing his vision and could never find his ball.

One day upon complaining about his predicament, his wife said, “Take my dad with you, he has eyes like a hawk.”

“Are you crazy?” Bob said. “Your dad is 88 years old.”

“That may be true, but he can still see for miles,” she responded.

Bob figured it’s worth a try, so the next day Bob went out to play golf with Jack, his father-in-law.

On the first tee, he crushed his drive and as usual, had no idea where it went.

“Jack, did you see that drive?” Bob asked.

Jack said, “Sure did! Saw it land, bounce three times and come to a stop”

Bob thought that this was going be great. They jump in the cart and Bob said, “OK, Jack, where is it?”

Jack looks at him with a blank stare and said, “I forgot.”

[tony@CIC]

Ron was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really angry.

She told him, 'tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway
that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!'

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

[tdroma98]

Young couple has been dating a few months & finally decided they were going to do it.  
Girlfriend looks at boyfriend & says tonight after dinner we'll do it, wink wink. 

That afternoon the boyfriend is excited, was walking downtown & decides to go into a pharmacy, he wants to be prepared for the date & buy a condom.  
He walks up to the pharmacist and asks; sir can I buy just one condom, I have a hot date tonight & we might have sex for the first time?
Pharmacist says yes son & sells him a condom. 
Boyfriend thinks about it and says to Pharmacist, you know she's really hot, can I buy 1 more condom?  
Pharmacist smiles & sells him one more condom. 

Later that evening, boyfriend is over at his girlfriends house for dinner and sitting at the dinner table, the girlfriend says to boyfriend, before we eat we like to say a prayer.  She says to boyfriend: Since you're our guest, Why don't you lead us in a prayer? 

The boyfriends agrees and starts praying and praying and praying and praying and praying. Finally, he says Amen. 

Girlfriend looks at him and says: I didn't realize you were such a religious person? 

Boyfriend says:  I didn't realize your father is a Pharmacist!! 

[chisag]

[Bulldog]

A burglar breaks into a house.  As he's creeping around with a flashlight, he hears a voice saying, "Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are watching you."  He freezes.  The voice repeats, "Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are watching you."  He slowly shines the flashlight in the direction of the voice and is surprised to see a parrot on a perch.  He goes over to the parrot and asks, "What's your name?"  The parrot replies, "My name is Moses."  The burglar says, "What kind of idiot would name a parrot Moses?"  The parrot replies, "The same kind of idiot that would name his rottweilers Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.

[DawgDaddy]

Someone stole my neighbors garden gnomes. They've asked everyone to be on the lookout, but I'm not gonna help. I've decided to let Bye Gnomes be Bye Gnomes.

[tony@CIC]

31 minutes ago, DawgDaddy said:

Someone stole my neighbors garden gnomes. They've asked everyone to be on the lookout, but I'm not gonna help. I've decided to let Bye Gnomes be Bye Gnomes.

[tony@CIC]

Love, Lust and Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over w ho gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed

[Rickp]

54 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

Need a Groan Emoji 

[chisag]

3 hours ago, DawgDaddy said:

Someone stole my neighbors garden gnomes. They've asked everyone to be on the lookout, but I'm not gonna help. I've decided to let Bye Gnomes be Bye Gnomes.

 

... Not a joke but I played with a couple that lived on the North Course at Eagle Ridge in Galena IL. They had some neighbors move in and they put out 2 ceramic deer that looked very fake and this couple thought they were atrocious and destroyed the natural beauty, especially since real deer were in abundance. So they bought 2 of those plastic pink flamingos and put them in the corner near the fake deer. That ought show them! About a week later their neighbors had bought FOUR of the same pink flamingos and put them with the deer. 

[JohnSmalls]

1 hour ago, chisag said:

 

... Not a joke but I played with a couple that lived on the North Course at Eagle Ridge in Galena IL. They had some neighbors move in and they put out 2 ceramic deer that looked very fake and this couple thought they were atrocious and destroyed the natural beauty, especially since real deer were in abundance. So they bought 2 of those plastic pink flamingos and put them in the corner near the fake deer. That ought show them! About a week later their neighbors had bought FOUR of the same pink flamingos and put them with the deer. 

I thought you were going to say that the deer were...how do you say this? Strategically rearranged in a one...behind the other format.

[Bang60]

I think this is very funny I've got that answer lots

[Headhammer]

For those aging oenophiles like myself.

 

[tony@CIC]

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

 

[DawgDaddy]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

[tony@CIC]

[Bang60]

A mate sent me this and it's priceless

 

Applies here in NZ btw...

[DawgDaddy]

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

[billpierce]

A husband comes home from golf after dark. His wife asks where he has been. He says that after his 8am round he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. He went back to her place for a cool drink and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon.

His wife says: “You S.O.B. You played 36 holes, didn’t you?”

[JohnSmalls]

On 8/16/2023 at 8:37 AM, tony@CIC said:

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

 

My dad worked in Mexico a bit when I was a kid and I remember him howling after telling this joke after coming home from a work trip.  Has been a while since I've heard it, but it's still a good one!

[DawgDaddy]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”

[Vegan_Golfer_PNW]

What do you get when Ironman and Water woman have a child?

 

Rust

[Siamese Moose]

The most useless job in the world is the autoworker at BMW who installs turn signals.

[DawgDaddy]

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas…

She opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, the nun held the glass to her lips.

Mother drank a little…. Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “please give us some wisdom before you die.”

She raised herself up in bed and whispered, “Don’t sell that cow!”

[tony@CIC]