Beak's New Rules of Golf

[Beakbryce]

That's right folks, the USGA\R&A have gone too far. Ball rollback indeed. Therefore, my new rules of golf. Please feel free to add your own rule/rules for those things for which you feel the USGA has screwed the pooch.

Those stodgy idiots have programmed us to feel bad about ourselves if we incorrectly interpret one of their disgustingly illogical and ungovernable rules. Let's get back to an enjoyable game. Have fun. Feel good about yourself. I love Scottish people to death, but let's remember that they started this whole rules thing because they wanted to bet on the outcome. Oh wait, you thought golf was a game just begging for rules, Not!

That isn't the game I want to play. Little sun, little exercise, feeling good, that's the ticket.

1. You can hit any ball club combo you can afford. If you feel compelled to play the "new" ball, instead of moving up a tee, tee up your second ball. 

2. Since the current rules involving hazards and out of bounds, lost balls are incredibly stupid by any form of logic, do this. If you can figure out where a ball crossed a hazard line, you ought to be able to figure that out for out of bounds. Additionally, one should be able to figure out the last place on the course a lost ball was seen. Here is the one rule. All bad areas are hazards or lost ball. No need for a provisional or a knee high drop. Place your ball at the nearest CONVENIENT point of relief where the ball was last seen and charge yourself a stroke. By convenient, I mean on the correct side of the cart path etc no closer to the hole. And for the sake of pace of play, don't drop on the cart path twice and mark the ball, and then further drop at the nearest USGA point of relief wasting everyone's time. Just move it to the spot your conscience or the buddy you have a dollar, dollar, dollar bet with says is mutually agreeable. C'mon man, this isn't rocket science. Life is about negotiation. Don't be above pointing out that your buddy has a plaque next to that OB on 15 that they hit every time and they might want some leeway on that drop.

3. Your ball is in a divit, sand filled or not. Dude, roll that thing. In fact, take a club length anywhere you want. Tree roots, gone. Divits, gone. Bad lies in a bunker? You have to stay in the bunker, but you can move or rake your ball position so you have the same lie that dork ahead of you had that didn't rake for you. Well, you have to stay in the bunker unless it is filled with water. Then you get free relief outside the bunker. 

4. No one ball rule. Hit your favorite ball when driving, subsequent shots, chipping, putting, whatever ball makes you happy for each endeavor. The ball manufacturers will thank you.

5. Sprinkler heads. Enough said.

6. Leaf covered fairways, don't get me started.

7. And remember, when you tell the spouse about your round, make yourself look good!

8. If playing a computer version of golf with a launch monitor, feel free to increase your drive/hit length by whatever percent allows YOU to play like RORY. Always keep this in mind, some day when Rory is 80 years old and can't hit his driver farther than his putter, he too will play by these much simpler rules! "The short ball WILL NOT affect the average golfer", indeed! "Play better" indeed! You talk a lot for a guy that doesn't even carry his own bag and figure out his own yardages and has a rules official there to make sure he does the right thing. JEEZ LOUISE. 

9. Last, there is no handicap system for regular golfers. Members at Merion, Firestone, etc., continue on your merry way. Handicap caters to the lost child in all of us. We either under or over report our true play. So don't trust it. Play mano a mano or beg for strokes or don't bet. Haven't played with someone who wants a wager, take them up on it or politely decline until you have played with them a 100 times. Really? Yes, a 100 times. Many people believe if they ain't cheatin they ain't tryin. Please remember to only bet what you can afford to lose. I think there is a phone number to call if your habit grows beyond that point. Check out any commercial in the next MNF game. No one wants to see a grown golfer cry.

 

[AvgGolferinPA]

Common sense rules for the rest of us.  Enjoy the round and keep moving forward.  

[Stuka44]

20 hours ago, Beakbryce said:

Those stodgy idiots have programmed us to feel bad about ourselves

Outstanding and well said.  Only a small percentage of golfers, will ever use their (which as you stated likely woefully inaccurate handicap) for ANYTHING, EVER!!!  Why do they care to burden the vast majority of us who care little for the rules, with a shorter golf ball, and ridiculous rules?    ANSWER:  Because deep down they still long for the time when the rules makers, could actually BAN  people from playing if you weren't a "gentleman" property owner, or in the upper class.  And relegate the rest of us to experience golf only through cutting the grass, because we would be considered ACTUALLY  a lower class of human being than those that make the rules.

That's why people so staunchly defend the rules, and are beside themselves with veiled anger when people suggest that their should be rules for money games, and the pro's and  handicap sanctioned events.   Otherwise the rules makers,  and organizations should spend, all of their spare time and money encouraging everyone else to ignore ALL of the rules and just have fun.  That's why I've said many times when these discussions come up.  Comments like "do what you want if you're just playing for fun, what happens if your playing for money on your weekend round (Who cares! If you are playing for money, and you've bet an amount of money against someone with a substantially higher handicap than you, and the match is going to come down to they  moved their ball out of a divot in the fairway, as the reason you lost,  then shame on you for making that bet, you can't afford to pay, when you should know that people lie about their handicaps, and theirs was likely inaccurate.  In the end comments like these are reflective of what I said above.  Deep down people who martyr themselves as strictly following the rules, believe they are just a TAD BIT MORE , ENTITLED, to play the game, and speak for the game.  IT'S A CLASS STRUGGLE! 

And not specifically mentioned by you.  LIFT, CLEAN, AND PLACE, AND FLUFF, AT ALL TIMES!!!!   Because for the vast majority of all golfers, the courses we play at the peak of good conditions,  are in drastically worse conditions than the conditions the pros will ever face when they get ball in hand. 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Stuka44

[ryan.mzzz]

22 hours ago, Beakbryce said:

That's right folks, the USGA\R&A have gone too far. Ball rollback indeed. Therefore, my new rules of golf. Please feel free to add your own rule/rules for those things for which you feel the USGA has screwed the pooch.

Those stodgy idiots have programmed us to feel bad about ourselves if we incorrectly interpret one of their disgustingly illogical and ungovernable rules. Let's get back to an enjoyable game. Have fun. Feel good about yourself. I love Scottish people to death, but let's remember that they started this whole rules thing because they wanted to bet on the outcome. Oh wait, you thought golf was a game just begging for rules, Not!

That isn't the game I want to play. Little sun, little exercise, feeling good, that's the ticket.

1. You can hit any ball club combo you can afford. If you feel compelled to play the "new" ball, instead of moving up a tee, tee up your second ball. 

2. Since the current rules involving hazards and out of bounds, lost balls are incredibly stupid by any form of logic, do this. If you can figure out where a ball crossed a hazard line, you ought to be able to figure that out for out of bounds. Additionally, one should be able to figure out the last place on the course a lost ball was seen. Here is the one rule. All bad areas are hazards or lost ball. No need for a provisional or a knee high drop. Place your ball at the nearest CONVENIENT point of relief where the ball was last seen and charge yourself a stroke. By convenient, I mean on the correct side of the cart path etc no closer to the hole. And for the sake of pace of play, don't drop on the cart path twice and mark the ball, and then further drop at the nearest USGA point of relief wasting everyone's time. Just move it to the spot your conscience or the buddy you have a dollar, dollar, dollar bet with says is mutually agreeable. C'mon man, this isn't rocket science. Life is about negotiation. Don't be above pointing out that your buddy has a plaque next to that OB on 15 that they hit every time and they might want some leeway on that drop.

3. Your ball is in a divit, sand filled or not. Dude, roll that thing. In fact, take a club length anywhere you want. Tree roots, gone. Divits, gone. Bad lies in a bunker? You have to stay in the bunker, but you can move or rake your ball position so you have the same lie that dork ahead of you had that didn't rake for you. Well, you have to stay in the bunker unless it is filled with water. Then you get free relief outside the bunker. 

4. No one ball rule. Hit your favorite ball when driving, subsequent shots, chipping, putting, whatever ball makes you happy for each endeavor. The ball manufacturers will thank you.

5. Sprinkler heads. Enough said.

6. Leaf covered fairways, don't get me started.

7. And remember, when you tell the spouse about your round, make yourself look good!

8. If playing a computer version of golf with a launch monitor, feel free to increase your drive/hit length by whatever percent allows YOU to play like RORY. Always keep this in mind, some day when Rory is 80 years old and can't hit his driver farther than his putter, he too will play by these much simpler rules! "The short ball WILL NOT affect the average golfer", indeed! "Play better" indeed! You talk a lot for a guy that doesn't even carry his own bag and figure out his own yardages and has a rules official there to make sure he does the right thing. JEEZ LOUISE. 

9. Last, there is no handicap system for regular golfers. Members at Merion, Firestone, etc., continue on your merry way. Handicap caters to the lost child in all of us. We either under or over report our true play. So don't trust it. Play mano a mano or beg for strokes or don't bet. Haven't played with someone who wants a wager, take them up on it or politely decline until you have played with them a 100 times. Really? Yes, a 100 times. Many people believe if they ain't cheatin they ain't tryin. Please remember to only bet what you can afford to lose. I think there is a phone number to call if your habit grows beyond that point. Check out any commercial in the next MNF game. No one wants to see a grown golfer cry.

 

 

2 hours ago, Stuka44 said:

Outstanding and well said.  Only a small percentage of golfers, will ever use their (which as you stated likely woefully inaccurate handicap) for ANYTHING, EVER!!!  Why do they care to burden the vast majority of us who care little for the rules, with a shorter golf ball, and ridiculous rules?    ANSWER:  Because deep down they still long for the time when the rules makers, could actually BAN  people from playing if you weren't a "gentleman" property owner, or in the upper class.  And relegate the rest of us to experience golf only through cutting the grass, because we would be considered ACTUALLY  a lower class of human being than those that make the rules.

That's why people so staunchly defend the rules, and are beside themselves with veiled anger when people suggest that their should be rules for money games, and the pro's and  handicap sanctioned events.   Otherwise the rules makers,  and organizations should spend, all of their spare time and money encouraging everyone else to ignore ALL of the rules and just have fun.  That's why I've said many times when these discussions come up.  Comments like "do what you want if you're just playing for fun, what happens if your playing for money on your weekend round (Who cares! If you are playing for money, and you've bet an amount of money against someone with a substantially higher handicap than you, and the match is going to come down to they  moved their ball out of a divot in the fairway, as the reason you lost,  then shame on you for making that bet, you can't afford to pay, when you should know that people lie about their handicaps, and theirs was likely inaccurate.  In the end comments like these are reflective of what I said above.  Deep down people who martyr themselves as strictly following the rules, believe they are just a TAD BIT MORE , ENTITLED, to play the game, and speak for the game.  IT'S A CLASS STRUGGLE! 

And not specifically mentioned by you.  LIFT, CLEAN, AND PLACE, AND FLUFF, AT ALL TIMES!!!!   Because for the vast majority of all golfers, the courses we play at the peak of good conditions,  are in drastically worse conditions than the conditions the pros will ever face when they get ball in hand. 

i don’t agree with all of these points, but it would be nice to have a simplified rules system that most golfers could be expected to know and be governed by. the rules of golf are currently like a software click through agreement. nobody’s ever read them, much less follows them on the course. sure, there are a few biggies that everyone knows, but so many golfers know such a small percentage of the rulebook that they can’t be said to be “following the rules.” this is the number one problem to enjoying social golf for me, having never been a tournament golfer. golf would be far more enjoyable with less rules so that, like playing crazy eight’s or spades, golfers actually played by the rules the entire time we’re playing.