Whats your best joke?

[cksurfdude]

For any wine lovers...

 

[Jmikecpa]

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[bens197]

Mr. & Mrs. Jones were the neighborhood mayors.  Nothing happened within their sleepy little cul-de-sac without their knowing.  One night in the middle of the fall, Mrs. Jones hears a lot of noise coming from across the street.  She looks beyond her yard and sees cars lined up from circle to the end of sight.  There is loud music, the smell of smoke and some empty beer bottles rolling down the driveway.  

She tells her husband who reluctantly tells her to go investigate.  She puts on her shoes and marches across the street and pounds on the door.  As the door slowly opens she sees nothing at her eyeline.  In the distance she sees a half dozen men and women wearing nothing but their underwear.

She glances down and sees a 12 year old wearing a robe, a beverage in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"YOUNG MAN, ARE YOUR PARENTS HOME?"

without missing a beat..."WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

[Kenny B]

 

[fixyurdivot]

Those are hilarious.  Really like this one.

[Kenny B]

7 minutes ago, fixyurdivot said:

Those are hilarious.  Really like this one.

I can relate to several... 

[josmi15]

Aah Herman’s Hermits!!!!


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[Rickp]

Aah Herman’s Hermits!!!!


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Don’t laugh, they were at The Villages a few years back.


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[Kenny B]

3 hours ago, Rickp said:

Don’t laugh, they were at The Villages a few years back.


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Residents??  

[Rickp]

Residents??  

There’re maybe too old. We didn’t go but I would imagine they needed walkers


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[cksurfdude]

This is one of those, "Insert Caption Here" ....

[Kenny B]

From years ago... how appropriate today!!

 

[cksurfdude]

18 minutes ago, Kenny B said:

From years ago... how appropriate today!!

HAH love "The Far Side"!!!

[Rickp]

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[cksurfdude]

 

Happy happy gobble day all!!

[cksurfdude]

[Kenny B]

 

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[tony@CIC]

 

4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

I was reading intently but didn't see the punchline coming


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[Rickp]

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[cksurfdude]

The Cowboy Joke.

So a cowboy walks into a bar (stop me if you've heard this one ) .. gets a beer .. starts chatting up the nearest honey who asks him about his garb.

Well, ma'am, this wide-brimmed hat protects from the sun beating down while I'm riding the range. This leather vest helps keep my body warm but my arms are free for swinging the rope and lassoing. These leather chaps keep my legs from getting cut up while galloping through the sagebrush chasing down the herd.

Ooooh, she murmurs approvingly.

And these Adidas on my feet - that's so folks don't mistake me for a gawddammm truck driver!!!

 

[TexasFloyd]

The Lone Ranger was captured by a group of unfriendly indians one day. They tied him to a stake and were gonna execute him. The chief said "we will give you one last wish" the Lone Ranger said "I'd like one last cigar please" They gave him one and he started puffing away while tied to the stake. The indians didn't notice that he was cleverly puffing big smoke signals up into the air. About fifteen minutes later they all heard a distant rumble. As it grew louder dust started to rise over a very nearby hill. Suddenly there was Tonto at the top of the hill and with him was 25 or so naked women on horseback on each side of him.

The Lone Ranger looked at him, rolled his eyes and shook his head and yelled.

"I SAID BIG POSSE YOU A$$HOLE!!"

 

 

[Kenny B]

Not sure is this is a joke or not... kinda makes sense!!

 

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, Leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.  You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat.  Enjoy it. Have one for me.  Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position  yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before  becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.  Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?   Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the  mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have  some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party  or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Happy Holidays Everyone!  A Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

[Rickp]

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[Kenny B]

4 hours ago, Rickp said:

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LOL!  Did @tommc23 send that to you?

[Rickp]

LOL!  Did [mention=72773]tommc23[/mention] send that to you?

No, I can’t wait until he sees it.
I had a English Pointer like that. Name was Fred, called him Derf.


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[tommc23]

2 hours ago, Kenny B said:

LOL!  Did @tommc23 send that to you?

Not my dog lol but it's a funny picture 

[GolfSpy BOS]

I hope y’all are ready

[Rickp]

Not my dog lol but it's a funny picture 

I knew it wouldn’t be one of yours.


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[cksurfdude]

20 hours ago, Rickp said:

Well.. technically.. he/she IS pointing ... I don't see a Retriever in the picture

[Rickp]

Well.. technically.. he/she IS pointing ... I don't see a Retriever in the picture

Very similar to what we called a “kennel point”.
Tommy should know what that is


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