Whats your best joke?

[steveone]

Above comic was from Edward Steed, gotta give credits.

Below is an xkcd variation on the, Hard of Hearing Genie.

[chisag]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[hohjoe]

[Donn lost in San Diego]

can someone point me to the one about the gal trying to board the bus in a tight skirt with a zipper?

 

[chisag]

22 hours ago, Donn lost in San Diego said:

can someone point me to the one about the gal trying to board the bus in a tight skirt with a zipper?

 

 

... I am the one that posted that joke so if you scroll back and only look for my avatar you should be able to find it. 

[Kenny B]

[Rickp]

1 hour ago, Kenny B said:

Definitely not D for me!!

[Kenny B]

1 minute ago, Rickp said:

Definitely not D for me!!

Strange... SWMBO said that was the only answer I should give!!  

[Rickp]

3 minutes ago, Kenny B said:

Strange... SWMBO said that was the only answer I should give!!  

Well she knows that’s what we think but don’t say out loud!

[cksurfdude]

29 minutes ago, Kenny B said:

Strange... SWMBO said that was the only answer I should give!!  

Yes, strangely enough I also get in trouble if I'm _not_ finishing off the leftovers!

(..she always makes "extra", as in yes we need leftovers, plus you never know when one of the kids is gonna stop by so we need to be prepared for that....)

[rkj427]

Appropriate for those who have to deal with "fall clean-up"

 

[tony@CIC]

2 hours ago, Kenny B said:

Strange... SWMBO said that was the only answer I should give!!  

I believe the correct answer depend on which word she puts emphasis on. 

For instance Did YOU eat the leftovers is a lot different than Did you eat the leftovers. 

[cksurfdude]

2 minutes ago, tony@CIC said:

For instance Did YOU did the leftovers is a lot different than Did you eat the leftovers. 

Haha that reminds me of...

"Commas Save Lives"

1. Did you eat, Grandma?

vs

2. Did you eat Grandma?

[chisag]

6 hours ago, Kenny B said:

 

 

... Reminds me of this excellent and very appropriate commercial:

 

 

[chisag]

41 minutes ago, EasyPutter said:

The reason why we do not use a suspension system for fresh vegetables on a boat is we do not want to spring a leek.

 

... Well if we are gonna do bad puns (aren't they all bad?) here is a loooong bad pun for you:


A church had a handyman for many years and he finally passed away. He did so many jobs the church decided to break them up and hire several people to do them all. The church put an ad in the newspaper to hire a church bell ringer. After a day or two the priest heard a knock at the front door. Upon opening the door, he sees a young man. The young fellow says, “Yes, I’m here for the bell ringing position.” The priest asks, “Do you have any experience?” “No,” he responds, “but I’m a fast learner.” So the priest decides to try him out. The priest takes the young man in tow and up the stairs to the bell tower they go. The priest figures he ought to show him how everything works. As they reach the top of the stairs, the priest turns around just in time to see the young man trip, stumble, stumble, stumble and go head first into the bell and fall down the shaft. The priest rushes down but it’s too late and the priest calls the police. As the ambulance is picking up the body the police officer is filling out the death report. After filling out the gender, approximate age, and physical description of the young man the office askes the priest, “What was the young man’s name?” The priest is shocked to realize during their entire conversation he never asked the man’s name so he replies to the officer, “You know, I never asked him his name, but his face rings a bell.”

The church replaces the ad in the paper and there comes a knock at the door. The priest opens the door and almost faints. There’s the same young man standing there. Noticing the priest’s surprise, the young man quickly says, “Of father, I’m sorry to surprise you but the other fellow was my twin brother.” The priest recovers and the young man says, “I’m here for the bell ringing job.” Once again, the priest asks if he has any experience and he doesn’t so the priest says we might as well go up the bell tower and I can show you how everything works. They talk as they climb the stairs and at the top the priest turns around and to his shock, he sees this young man trip and he stumbles all the way to the bell and smacks it head first and down the shaft he goes. The priest in disbelief rushes down but, once again, it’s too late. The call is made and the police arrive and start taking down information. They fill out all the basic information and then turn to the priest to ask for the young man’s name. The priest is horrified to realize he did not ask this guy’s name either. In response to the policeman’s inquiry, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get his name, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
 

[alfriday101]

The kamikaze flight instructor told his students, "Pay attention, I'm only going to tell you this once."

[Reesedw]

On 9/15/2022 at 12:42 PM, rkj427 said:

Appropriate for those who have to deal with "fall clean-up"

 

SWMBO's name is LORI.. Not Edna.. lol.. She also gives me a list to get done before Hunting season.. 

[CarlH]

[hohjoe]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside, and asked,

"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy."

Do you understand what matters are whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire,

or call him a jerk. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,

it's not a stupid decision or that the coach is a butt head is it?"

"No, coach."

"Good!", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”

[DawgDaddy]

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars.

They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a genealogist and writer to help them. Only one problem arose: how to handle great uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair. The writer said she could handle the story tactfully.

When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read: Great uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

[Kenny B]

Found this in my email inbox...

[DawgDaddy]

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?” He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.”

[cksurfdude]

A friend was on a trip in Europe and doing some off road biking where they came across this ...

YIKES!

Pretty funny, but I replied "hmmm, if I'm reading it right, that penalty seems a little severe..."

A day or two later he sent me this one ...

(..now if they started doing that on golf courses... )

[DawgDaddy]

Two men in their twenties are sitting at the bar talking.

One of the guys remarks to the other, “Boy you look really tired!”

His friend replies, “Dude, I’m exhausted, the girl I’ve been dating wants sex all the time! three, four sometimes even six times a night! She wakes me up at all hours. I just don’t know what to do!”

A fellow, in his seventies, is sitting a few bar stools down from them overhears their conversation. He looked over at the two men, and showing the wisdom of his age says,

“Marry her.

That’ll put an end to that nonsense!”
 

[DawgDaddy]

The Murphy brothers were having a drink in their favorite pub.

Frank told his brother "Me and the Missus had an awful fight last night. But finally she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Oh yeah, what did she say?"

She said "Frank Murphy, you come out from under that bed!"

[GolfSpy_APH]

Why did man invent curling?

 

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

[Kenny B]

This is posted at Saddleback Golf Club in Firestone, CO

 

[Kenny B]

The West Richland Police Department post this on their Facebook page:

We get a lot of animals inside city limits since outside the Tri-Cities, it's pretty rural.  WRPD says to just live them alone and let them wander back to their natural areas.

My wife posted this as a comment on their Facebook page...  

 

[steveone]

A woman goes to a fortune teller:

As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the soothsayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to her. Her hands began to shake and her throat felt like a desert as she barely managed to croak out the question on her mind.

“Will I be acquitted?”

[steveone]

Latest Ukrainian attack on Russian navy.