Whats your best joke?

[CarlH 5,366]

[Kenny B 25,271]

 

[ole gray 16,706]

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[tony@CIC 18,711]

Why didn't I learn this 50 yrs ago. 

[Kenny B 25,271]

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. 
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. 
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. 
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"  
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." 
"I'm here to feed the alligator." 

[Kor.A.Door 5,842]

[Kenny B 25,271]

[tony@CIC 18,711]

[tony@CIC 18,711]

The Dead Cow Lecture


This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

 

 

 

[tony@CIC 18,711]

 

 

[tony@CIC 18,711]

And another golf joke: 

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.

Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

 

 

[Bob Pegram 7]

I golfer has the opportunity of a lifetime. He gets to play St. Andrews. As it happens he struggle with bad shots. Toward the end of the round he says in that he wants to drown himself. The St. Andrews caddie says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

(Supposedly a true story).

[CarlH 5,366]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart’. The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.

[g-off 39]

three putts are like masturbation, it's embarrassing but you know you will do it again

[Rickp 22,320]

I think you both are exaggerating... slightly. 
 
In my world this is common 
 

Looks familiar, very familiar


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[tony@CIC 18,711]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

 

 

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

 

 

[CarlH 5,366]

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

 

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

[Kenny B 25,271]

43 minutes ago, CarlH said:

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me"

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes.

She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

 

"I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."

Now that's funny!!  Same post @tony@CIC posted just above!!!!!

[the great spinks 51]

This guy at the bar gets so drunk he pukes on his own shirt...

then the guy says to the bartender, "Oh no! My wife is gonna kill me when she finds out that I got so drunk I puked on my own shirt!" The bartender replies, "Hold on buddy, here's what you do. Take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife that some "other" guy puked on your shirt but gave you ten dollars for the cleaning bill." "That's awesome." he says. Later on when he gets home his wife looks at his shirt and at him and he says, "It's not what you think. Some other guy at the bar got so drunk he puked on my shirt, but he gave me ten dollars for the cleaning bill." He hands her the bill. "Honey, this is twenty dollars." she says. He responds, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. That guy...also s*** in my pants."

 

Bob Einstein was the best.

[tony@CIC 18,711]

Three fat old guys in Speedo's lying on pool lounge chairs outside their condo building in Miami. Chatting about their working days.

First guy says: I built my business in NYC for 40 years. Started with nothing. No silver spoon for me, no sir. Then one day --- a massive plant explosion one night took it all away from me. Horrible day. But lucky for me the insurance covered it all and now I am down here in Miami enjoying the good life.

Second guys says: 52 years. 52 years I built my company in Philly. Banks tried to take it away when times got tough, but I was tougher. Hung on and built a successful business and did really well. Then one day in late December -- the fire. Took it all away. 52 years and down to ashes. Tragic. But no one hurt, and my insurance was good too. So here I am sitting by the pool living a good retirement.

Third guy says: I had a great business in Jersey. Took over from my dad. Almost 60 years we toiled at the business through tough times and great times. Dad was gone for only 5 years when the flood hit. Wiped it out. 60 years gone in one flash flood. But... our insurance policy was solid. So doing well down here in Miami.

They sit quietly for a few minutes sipping their drinks, then the first guy says:
"How do you start a flood?"