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DarthGolfer

Whats your best joke?

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Stephen Wright?

I used to like Mitch Hedburg. I still do, but I used to too.

 

 

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I posted this on a different thread some time ago, apologies for those who have seen it before...
 
 
A man returns home early Sunday morning, looking disheveled, smelling of scotch and perfume, telltale lipstick on his unbuttoned collar and neck... only to be greeted in the kitchen by his irate wife - Where the He!! have you been, it is 7AM- you left for your Saturday round and never came home....????

 

He responds- "Honey, we have been married over 25 years, and you know I love you more than anything- and I cant lie to you. Yesterday at the club after my round I bumped into an old high school flame- we chatted for a while, had a few drinks, and all of a sudden I find myself back at her place- I really don't know what happened- but I will tell you this- it meant nothing to me. I am ashamed of what I did, and I ask your forgiveness...."

 

To which his wife says.......

 

 

 









Bull$h!t -you played 36 again, didn't you!!!!!

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It seems that a guy knew that his wife was extremely mad and upset with him, so he asked her what could he do to make her happy.  Well, she said, if I get up tomorrow and see something in the drive way that will go from 0 to 200 in seconds.  She got up the next morning and there it was sitting in the drive way--a bathroom scale.

 

A guy was a very religious man and lived strictly by his religious principles, so he thought he would ask God for a favor.  So he prayed to God-I love Hawaii, so would you build a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could drive there any time I wanted.  God replied, I am very disappointed in you, that is a very selfish request, I thought you would want something that glorified both you and me.  The guy apologized and then asked God for the ability to understand women, to know what makes them happy, to know how to please them.   To which God replied--How many lanes would you like on that bridge.

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A deacon is in the hospital and his preacher goes to visit him.

 

The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.

 

The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.

 

At his funeral, the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

 

The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose.

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. 

 

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. 

 

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted." 

 

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." 

 

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. 

 

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word. 

 

The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven." 

 

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me? 

 

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

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Old Doc plays nine holes every day and when he finishes he goes to the clubhouse and has an almond daiquiri. This has been going on for years and the bartender, Dick always has th drink ready for him. One day Dick sees the old Doc coming down the ninth hole and starts to prepare the drink. However he is out of almond and substitutes with hickory. The Doc comes in and takes a sip, looks at Dick and says, is that an almond daiquiri Dick? No, that's a hickory daiquiri Doc.

 

Feel free to groan...

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Three nuns were riding together and were in a horrific car accident and, unfortunately,  all three died.   At the gates of heaven all three asked to be admitted.  St. Peter said that all they had to do was answer a question correctly.   He asked the first nun-who was the first man.  To which the nun replied-Adam, the trumpets blasted, the lights flashed and the gates of heaven opened.  He asked the second nun-who was the first woman.  She replied-Eve, the trumpets blasted, the lights flashed and the gates of heaven opened.   Due to his quota, St. Peter figured he must ask some more difficult questions.   So he asked the third nun, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam.   The nun scratched her chin and said-boy, that's a hard one.  The trumpets blasted.................

 

God looked down at Adam and saw that he was lonely, so he knew he had to make a mate for Adam.   He called down to Adam and told him that he was going to put him to sleep, remove his right arm and make him the perfect mate.   Adam said, God, I really appreciate that but I am going to need my right arm, what can I get for a rib. 

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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"


A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?"



He walks away, but moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"


The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 36, and when 47 came up she just fainted!"


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A minister, a priest and a rabbi, being men of the cloth, became close friends.   During one of their many discussions, they agreed that relating to their respective flocks was easy, but debated who could best serve those outside their flocks.    So it was decided that they would go into the woods, each find a bear and see who best could tame it.   Later that evening, the minister and the priest saw each other in the ER.  Both were a bit banged up, but were OK.   The minister said, he found a bear, at first it was a struggle, but eventually he laid hands on it and prayed and the bear settled down.   The priest said, likewise, he found a bear and eventually was able to sprinkle holy water on it, blessed it and it settled down.  Not seeing their rabbi friend, they asked the nurse if he had been in the ER.   She told them that he was admitted to the ICU.   So they went to visit their friend.   The rabbi was pretty messed up, but could talk, so they asked him what happened.  The rabbi said, that he found a bear, but thinks if he had to do it again, perhaps, he would not have started with circumcision.

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What do you call an avocado that got ran over by the pope mobile?

 

Holy guacamole !

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

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What do you call an avocado that got ran over by the pope mobile?

 

Holy guacamole !

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using MyGolfSpy

Groan!!

 

 

Sent from my iPad using MyGolfSpy

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."

 

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"  "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."

 

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

ROFLMAO!!!

 

 

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That was pretty good Kenny

 

BigTazz

Chicks dig the LONG ball!

 

Follow me and #TeamLexi

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during the #CobraConnectChallenge

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Guy comes home from golfing and his wife asks how he played. He walks up to her and slaps across the face and say " I'm hitting everything fat"

 

 

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Not sure if this has been in this thread yet, but here goes....

 

---

Guy wakes up early Saturday morning, asks his wife:

"Golf or sex, honey?"

She says:

"Take a sweater."

---

 

Guy gets to the course, meets up with his buddies; one guy is at home (sex? no golf?) so it's a threesome. They get to the first tee and there's a single - and not just any single but a beautiful, stunning, statuesque very hot female golfer.

 

Naturally the three guys all very gallantly ask her to join their group, and then of course very admiringly and approvingly watch her tee off .. but WHACK!!! .. she **sh@nks** it directly into our guy!

 

He falls to the ground, doubled over in pain, his hands between his legs .. moaning and groaning. She drops her club and rushes over, very apologetic, and proceeds to unzip his fly and starts rubbing his balls.

 

"Does that feel any better?", she asks.

 

"Yes!” he replies, ”that feels great, but .. I think you broke my thumb!"

---

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Not sure if this has been in this thread yet, but here goes....

 

---

Guy wakes up early Saturday morning, asks his wife:

"Golf or sex, honey?"

She says:

"Take a sweater."

---

 

 

---

That's similar to the guy that shows up at the golf course.  His buddies said we thought you said that you couldn't play today because your wife had made plans for you.  He replied, Well she must have changed her mind because she told me to tie her to the bed and do whatever I wanted.

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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."

 

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."  The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.  WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.  His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

 

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"  "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Didn't see that one coming....Loved it!!  Will be telling this one tonight, I share a lot of these jokes with my Fiance and she says, "you guys sound like a bunch of old men sitting around the barber shop telling corny jokes" 

 

I told her that's not true at all......Some of the guys are actually quite young  :D

 

That's similar to the guy that shows up at the golf course.  His buddies said we thought you said that you couldn't play today because your wife had made plans for you.  He replied, Well she must have changed her mind because she told me to tie her to the bed and do whatever I wanted.

A Wahoo Classic that I never get tired of hearing you tell.   DDRyan has no idea what he's in for during our round next week.!!

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