Whats your best joke?

[bens197]

Terry goes for a massage after a long week of work. It's his first time and has several thoughts going through his head on the drive there.

 

He arrives and meets Gordon, his masseuse for the next 90 minutes. Before Terry can show pause he shakes Gordon's hand to which he felt as if he just put it in a vice.

 

Terry grabs his robe and gets comfortable in the room.

 

Gordon begins to gently apply pressure and moves around Terry to offer a very relaxing experience. Gordon begins to focus on Terry's shoulders and asks how he feels so far?

 

Terry says Gordon, I have to be honest. I didn't know what to think. I was nervous having a man massage me in such an intimate setting. While we're on the subject, can I ask you a question?

 

Gordon obliges...

 

Gordon, is it normal to get an erection during a massage?

 

Gordon says, yes of course it's normal.

 

Terry quickly replies, can you do me a favor then and take it out of my face.

 

 

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[DawgDaddy]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.  She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

 

 On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

 'About 32,' is the reply.'

 

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

 

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'

 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches them.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonald's.'

[cksurfdude]

I (now 71) was having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that I just can't take my eyes off her.

 

After a short while, the girl notices my staring, and approaches me. Before I had time to apologize, the girl looks me deep in the eyes and says in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, I ask her what her condition is.

She said: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"

I took a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

I whip out my wallet and put ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand. Then I look her square in the eyes, and say slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

 

(Our needs change as we get older)

Love it!!!

BTW... Can you send her over to my house? I need some yard work done....

[Jmikecpa]

Terry goes for a massage after a long week of work. It's his first time and has several thoughts going through his head on the drive there.

 

He arrives and meets Gordon, his masseuse for the next 90 minutes. Before Terry can show pause he shakes Gordon's hand to which he felt as if he just put it in a vice.

 

Terry grabs his robe and gets comfortable in the room.

 

Gordon begins to gently apply pressure and moves around Terry to offer a very relaxing experience. Gordon begins to focus on Terry's shoulders and asks how he feels so far?

 

Terry says Gordon, I have to be honest. I didn't know what to think. I was nervous having a man massage me in such an intimate setting. While we're on the subject, can I ask you a question?

 

Gordon obliges...

 

Gordon, is it normal to get an erection during a massage?

 

Gordon says, yes of course it's normal.

 

Terry quickly replies, can you do me a favor then and take it out of my face.

 

 

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That is why I always ask for Cindy when I go to the spa at work.

 

 

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[Kenny B]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

 

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!    

                                       

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

 

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

 

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see

 

"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch  

                                         

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

 

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

 

They were all hypnotized.

 

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

 

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"SH!T," shouted Claude.

 

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

[DawgDaddy]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

 

"Of, course, child. What may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you; I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[Jmikecpa]

Guy shows up on the first tee as a single and joins a threesome of retired gentlemen and he was asked to join.  Gets up and crushes a tee shot down the fairway right handed.  Plays well the entire day, shoots even par and is asked back the next day for a 9am tee time. He accepts and says that he will try to make it on time but may be 10 minutes late.

 

He shows up right on time the next day and proceeds to get up and stripe his first drive left handed.  Again plays well and shoots even par for the day and is asked back to play at 9am the next day.  He accepts and then says he may again be 10 minutes late. 

 

He shows up the next day right on time and proceeds to hit a great tee ball right handed.  One of the guys in the group asks him how he decides whether to play right handed or left handed.  He said when I get up in the morning if my wife is laying on her right side I play right handed and if she is on her left side I play left handed.  Another guy asks what if she is flat on her back?

 

He responded, that is when I will be 10 minutes late.

[PING Apologist #9]

Not long after an attempted assassination on his life back in the early 80's, Pope John Paul II was issued what became known as the "Popemobile". It was a modified car that was equipped with a bullet-proof "bubble" that allowed the Pope to be driven through crowds of his faithful and still be seen from any angle safely. That car was only used in parades and was not the main mode of transportation during visits to other countries. For that, the Pope rode in an armored limousine with blacked-out windows much like most high ranking diplomats, heads-of-state & presidents always do.

 

Back when he came to visit the United States in the 1990's, and while being driven from New York to a secondary stop, his limo driver wound up falling ill thus jeopardizing the tight schedule set up for all the subsequent stops. Let's face it, not just anybody could drive the Pope around. So the Pope himself insisted he take the limo to the next stop while a replacement driver was flown in from the Vatican. So reluctantly off they went.

 

Now the Pope hadn't driven in many years and somehow, he took a wrong turn later that night and was separated from the rest of his staff and security people. Alone on a little 2-way road somewhere in New Jersey, his limo was spotted by a State trooper who was suspicious of a black limo driving at 25-mph, not maintaining its lane and with no headlights on. After pulling the car over, the trooper walked up to the drivers door ready to give his rant on the unsafe driving he had witnessed and was at the ready with his ticket book. But as soon as the driver's window rolled down, the trooper, with the blood draining from his face, instantly knew who it was and his mind went blank with shock. All he could muster was: "Er, pardon me Your Holiness...ahem....I need to go and radio this in."

In a daze, the trooper returned to his car, stumbled in and fumbled for his radio microphone...

 

"Ahhh, Central? This is Car-54. I have a problem."

"Are you OK Car-54? Do you need back-up?"

Beginning to shake a bit the trooper replied:

"No! No...I'm OK, but I'm a little confused on procedure here. I....I've pulled over someone very important!"

"A VIP? Who is it Car-54? Did you pull over the Sheriff?"

Shaking some more and staring in constant shock at the driver window of the limo, he said:

"Oh no, not the Sheriff. No, no, he's more important than the Sheriff"

"Oh crap! Is it the Governor?"

Starting to sweat now the trooper blurted back:

"No it's not the damn Governor! I'm tellin' ya, this guy has way more clout than the damn Governor!"

"Hell, is it the President of the United States??? Say it ain't so Car-54!"

The trooper, now near collapse mustered:

"Negative on POTUS! No, no, no! Way more important than the President!"

After what seemed like an hour, but in reality was only a moment of contemplation at Central, the dispatcher finally asked:

"54...If it ain't the Sheriff, Governor or even someone as important than the damn President, who the Hell could it be?!!! Who is more important than the President of the United States?" "Car-54? Do you copy?!!"

The trooper, now soaked in sweat and with tears rolling down his face and shaking uncontrollably was able, just barely able to reply one last time:

"Central, I don't know who I pulled over, but all I can tell you is that the Pope is his driver!"

[No3PuttLaLa]

A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save a precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he said “here is ze dog keep him varm and dry him off and he vill be fine”

I said “are you a vet?”

He replied “Vet?... I'm fucking soaking”

 

 

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[kardboard.kid]

A german tourist jumped in the freezing water to save a precious little dog who was drowning, after he climbed out he said “here is ze dog keep him varm and dry him off and he vill be fine”

I said “are you a vet?”

He replied “Vet?... I'm fucking soaking”

 

 

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Vunderful

 

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[AH1980MN]

Vunderful

 

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Wunderbar!

[tony@CIC]

 

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not still in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..

 

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him..

 

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

 

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

 

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

 

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

 

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

 

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago, When we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' He says solemnly.

 

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

 

'Yes, I do' she replies.

 

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

 

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

 

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he

shoved the shotgun in my face and said,

 

'Either you Marry my daughter or I will send you to prison

 

for 20 years?'

 

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

 

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

 

'I would have gotten out today.'

 

 

 

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[tony@CIC]

My wife and I went to the Wisconsin Agricultural State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR ' 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' 

 

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.' 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' 

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.' 

 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[cksurfdude]

My wife and I went to the Wisconsin Agricultural State Fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

 

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

 

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

 

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

 

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

 

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

 

 

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a GOOD one!!!

[ddryan]

A sixty year old man awakes in a hospital bed, the doctor standing next to him says “ Well there Mr Smith... glad to see you awake. . You probably don't remember but you were in a very serious automobile accident. You have been in a medically induced coma for a week while we treated your injuries. You are lucky to be alive. We were able to save your arms and legs...”. The doctor pauses for a moment ...and looks away... “...But...”

 

“But WHAT” asks Smith...

 

“Well” says the doctor, “unfortunately we were unable to save your penis. It was severed and lost in the accident.”

 

Smith looked at the doctor, a bit confused... “I lost what???”

 

“Yes, you no longer have a penis. But, modern medicine has some miraculous capabilities- we can rebuild your manhood and make you almost as good as new...

“This medical procedure is expensive, costing about one thousand dollars per inch. Luckily your insurance company has provided a settlement check for nine thousand dollars.”

 

“Well” said Smith, “I think...”

 

The doctor interrupted Smith and said “Before you decide, you really need to discuss this with your wife. If you choose a different size than before the accident you could create issues with your wife - so I strongly urge you to discuss this fully with her before you decide. I will be back in the morning and we can discuss your choice tomorrow.”

 

The following morning the doctor greets Smith. “Have you discussed the insurance settlement with your wife?” He asks.

 

Smith looks at the doctor and says

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Yes.......we've decided we are getting new granite countertops in the kitchen.....”

 

 

 

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[tony@CIC]

 

Two medical students were walking along the street 

when they saw an old man   Walking with his legs spread 

apart.

​  ​

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.  

 

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.  

Those people walk just like that."  

​

 

​

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki 

Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just 

as we learned in class."  

 

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. 

They approached him

​ ​

And one of the students said to him,

 

"We're medical students and couldn't help  But notice the

way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you 

might have..  Could you tell us what it is?"

 

The old man said,

​ ​

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you 

two fine medical students think."

​ â€‹

 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."   

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."  

 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

 

The old man said,

 

 

​ ​

"Well, I thought it was GAS 

- but I was wrong, too!"

[RoverRick]

This is not a joke, but a true funny story.

 

I had a girlfriend who lived in England, and she came over for a visit. I took her golfing with me one night. She had never been before and I was explaining the game, trying to get her interested.

 

On the fifth hole, I hit a great drive but it rolled into the rough. I drove the cart over where I thought the ball was and we began looking for it. As we were rolling slowly she said "Oh, Here's a ball!" excited she found it.

 

I said "Is that my Pro V1?" She said "No" and we continued to look. Finally I said, "It has to be here, it was going right where you saw that other ball,"

 

She said, "That wasn't your ball, it was a Titleist."  :lol:

 

But she pronounced it Tit-lee-ist.

 

I bought her a set of clubs, and then married her, and played in a couples scramble with her last weekend.

 

But to this day, I play Titleeist golf balls.

[Kenny B]

Man Killed on Golf Course

 

A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee. The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time.

 

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another 10 feet and finally hacked it another 5 feet.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, "I guess all those f...ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

 

One of the men immediately responded, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"  He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 63.

[Colcur]

This is cleaned up the best I can. 

 

A man was watching golf.  His wife kept bugging him to go out and do something, so he gave her his credit card to keep her quiet, and told her to go shopping. 

 

The wife goes to an antique store and browses around.  Eventually she finds an old, plain, and shoddy full length mirror.  She inquires as to the price.  The proprietor tells her it is $10,000.00.  She ask as to why a mirror in such bad shape was so expensive.  The proprietor tells her it is a magic mirror that will grant any wish as long as it rhymes.  To spite her husband for ignoring her, she buys the mirror and once home she hangs it on the back of the bedroom door.

 

She yells for her husband to come look at what she bought for $10,000.00.  He jumps off the couch and runs into the bedroom.  The wife shows him the old mirror and he cannot believe she paid so much.  She informs him it is a magic and mirror and proceeds to show him what it will do.

 

She steps up to the mirror and says, " Mirror, Mirror, on the door, make my breast a 44."  There is a snapping and popping sound and she stands there with breasts now measuring 44.  She tells her husband she is going shopping again because she needs new clothes and proceeds to leave.

 

The husband stands there in disbelief, shaking his head, muttering under his breath.  Then an idea comes to him!  He steps up to the mirror and says, "Mirror, Mirror, on the door, make my member touch the floor."

 

AND

 

His legs fell off!

[cksurfdude]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

 

I was a very happy man.

 

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

 

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister. 

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

 

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.

 

It had to be deliberate.

 

Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

 

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

 

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

 

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law put down his shotgun and hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that

 

you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.' 

 

And the moral of this story is:

 

Always keep your condoms in your car !

 

--------

[Kenny B]

Bass Pro Shop Blind Cashier

 

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.  She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.  A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.  She says, "Excuse me. sir.  Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

 

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."  She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. 

 

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10lb test line.  It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for $20."

 

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.  I'll take it!"

 

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 

"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.

​She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.  At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

 

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20?  How'd you get $34.50?"

 

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."  She didn't say a thing....just paid the bill!!!

[tony@CIC]

Need some help please

[No3PuttLaLa]

My pops sent this to me the other day:

 

You ever golf with anyone that takes just for f-ing ever on the tee box? Like an audition or something?

 

I played with a guy that saw a funeral procession and took off his damn hat and stood there in reverence for 10 minutes while the funeral party drove by.

 

I thought the two of ladies behind us were going to have to play through.

 

When he finally puts his hat back on and addressed the ball, I asked, what did you know them?

 

He said yeah....I was married to her for 28 years!!

 

 

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[No3PuttLaLa]

Why don't chicken breasts have nipples?

 

 

Cause if you freeze them they'd poke a hole in the package!

 

 

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[Har in the Hat]

why was 6 afraid of 7?

 

because 7 eight 9

[perseveringgolfer]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

 

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible"

 

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman he thought "what the hell....I'll treat her"

 

So they walked past it again!

[perseveringgolfer]

This is not a joke, but a true funny story.

 

I had a girlfriend who lived in England, and she came over for a visit. I took her golfing with me one night. She had never been before and I was explaining the game, trying to get her interested.

 

On the fifth hole, I hit a great drive but it rolled into the rough. I drove the cart over where I thought the ball was and we began looking for it. As we were rolling slowly she said "Oh, Here's a ball!" excited she found it.

 

I said "Is that my Pro V1?" She said "No" and we continued to look. Finally I said, "It has to be here, it was going right where you saw that other ball,"

 

She said, "That wasn't your ball, it was a Titleist."  :lol:

 

But she pronounced it Tit-lee-ist.

 

I bought her a set of clubs, and then married her, and played in a couples scramble with her last weekend.

 

But to this day, I play Titleeist golf balls.

also a true story with an ex who one night while walking her home in a beautiful orange sunset she asked "is the Sun orange now as it's cooling down at night?"

 

 

The relationship didnt last....it was fun while it did though

[poprocksncoke]

Did you hear about the 2 artist that had a competition?

 

 

It was a draw.................

[Har in the Hat]

why was 6 afraid of 7?

 

Because 7 was a registered six-offender

[cnosil]

why was 6 afraid of 7?

 

Because 7 was a registered six-offender

I heard it was because 7 ate 9